Elizabeth's Blog
Find Calm in the Worry
So far, 2021 is feeling a lot like 2020. The new year can’t suddenly change what’s happening. I’m feeling all kinds of things about the assault on Capitol Hill by our fellow country people, about the virus’s seemingly unchecked spread throughout the world, and about the rising death tolls.
My feelings of relief and hope around the inauguration and our new President, Joe Biden, and Vice President, Kamala Harris, have filled me up in a way I wasn’t expecting. Hearing the President honor all the lives lost to COVID-19 and encouraging us to work to unify the country brought me to tears.
Although we still face a lot of uncertainty, even with a new president in charge, and so much is still beyond our control, we do have choices.
When we live in the worry of what was or what might be, we lose touch with where we are right now. Even though things feel out of control or worrisome, a lot of lovely things are happening in this moment. And we miss them when the worry consumes us. So, what can we do to feel more grounded and present in our lives?
Last week on the podcast I shared some mindfulness practices to help us feel more present and grounded. I’ve shared a few of these in my newsletter, and if you don’t already get it, you can sign up here, and please forward this blog to someone who might need a little help to bring more mindfulness into their lives.
When we’re being mindful, we’re bringing our full attention to our sensory experience, to our five senses. You can choose to focus on one—what you see, smell, taste, touch, or hear—or you can focus on a combination of senses. We call the thing you’re focused on your anchor.
Because you’re human, your attention can easily get pulled away to your thoughts and worries. When it does shift away from your focus, because it will, gently, kindly bring it back to the “anchor” you’ve chosen.
Below are a few mindful exercises you can do whenever you have a few minutes. The more you practice mindfulness, the easier it is to pull back from the worry and stress about things you can’t control and be with what is.
On a side note, mindfulness isn’t about seeing the world or our lives through rose-colored glasses. It’s about learning to be with whatever our present-moment experience is.
I hope these mindfulness exercises or practices will help you move more mindfully into the springtime.
Mindful journaling can be great way to process feelings and be creative at the same time.
Set aside some time for journaling each day. I prefer right before I go to bed but it can be any time that works for you.
Take a moment before you begin writing and check in with how you’re feeling. Are you relaxed and at ease? Are you feeling stressed or anxious? Are there worries and thoughts going round and round in your head?
Write down what you’re feeling, and what that feeling looks like in your body. Give yourself the freedom to write and draw whatever comes to mind.
Can you allow the feeling to be there, without trying to change it?
When you sense that you’ve captured the feelings, thank yourself for taking the time to notice all that showed up for you today.
I’ve shared some prompts for managing anxiety at Upfinch.com. When you sign up, use the code WORRIERS at checkout for 15 percent off the life of your subscription.
On a warm sunny day, step outside and stand in the grass or on the ground. If it’s warm enough, take off your shoes and socks.
Close your eyes, or gaze softly in front of you. Bring your attention to the bottoms of your feet and where they make contact with the ground beneath you.
Imagine your feet are firmly rooted into the earth below, like a tree. Feel the energy of the earth rising up through your body.
Take a few slow, deep breaths, keeping your focus on your feet.
Stand like this for as long as it’s comfortable. When you’re ready, slowly move your body, open your eyes and refocus your gaze.
If at any time throughout your day you’re feeling stressed, notice your feet on the ground and the feeling of being rooted to the earth.
Pause what you're doing and take a moment to notice where you are. Name all the different colors that you can see. You can name them aloud or silently to yourself.
One of my favorite ways to meditate and be mindful is by tuning in to the sounds around me. As you sit quietly, try to hear as many different sounds as possible. There might be people talking nearby, dogs barking, the wind blowing the tress, birds chirping….
Close your eyes and let the sounds come and go without focusing on any one of them. When your attention gets pulled in one direction, gently bring yourself back to all the sounds washing over you. You can set a timer for three to five minutes or do it for as long as you like.
When the time is up, open your eyes, take a deep breath and go on with your day.
Sometimes it’s hard to get motivated to walk when it’s cold and gray, but walking in the winter can be a sensory-filled experience that can warm your heart.
Bundle up and take yourself to a park or nature preserve or take a walk in your neighborhood.
Before you begin your walk, pause and take a deep breath. Feel your feet on the ground. Rock back on your heels and then up to your toes if this feels comfortable.
Remind yourself that while you’re walking, you’re going to tune into your sensory experience.
Take some time with each of your five senses. First notice the smell of the earth, leaves, the air. How many different odors do you smell?
Then look around and bring an awareness to all the colors and shapes you can see as you’re walking.
Notice where your feet make contact with the earth and the clothes on your skin. Do you feel cold or warm? Which parts of you feel warm or cold? Notice your body moving and your breath as you inhale and exhale.
Now notice all the different sounds that come and go. Do you hear the wind? Maybe you hear birds chirping or ducks and geese flying past. Maybe you hear small animals scurrying through the underbrush.
If you have water with you, take a sip and notice the taste and how it feels in your mouth.
Allow all of your senses to come alive as you walk.
Mindfulness has helped me to feel more present with all of my feelings and experiences. For example, being fully present for those moments when I come downstairs from my office and Elvis (my dog) greets me as if I’ve been gone for days brings me so much joy. I’m able to soak up his love and let the worries be. It helps me be reminded that even in the struggle there can be ease and connection.
If you’d like more tips for being mindful in everyday life, you can sign-up for the newsletter and get my meditation and mindfulness guides for FREE!
I’m excited about this collaboration and happy to share that Upfinch is sponsoring the Woman Worriers podcast for the month of January. When you subscribe to the Upfinch platform, the first month is free, and they’re offering Woman Worriers podcast listeners and newsletter subscribers a 15-percent discount off their monthly subscription when you enter the coupon code “WORRIERS” at check-out!
>> You can find the guides here.
>> And sign up for your 15% discount here.
The journals are private and never accessed by humans or software.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety contact me!
We humans tend to see and remember the negative more than the positive. Researchers call it “negative bias.” We recall more bad memories than good ones. When we worry about the future or past, it’s the negative stuff that comes to mind.
Our negative bias is perfectly normal if you consider how it came about. Our ancestors needed to survive living in the wild, so their brains were always scanning the environment for danger. If they hadn’t, they would have been be eaten by a lion or tiger, so it was useful to be looking for all the possible bad stuff. But we no longer have wild animals stalking us, so our brains find other things—everyday things—to see as dangerous.
Our worries are usually about things we can’t control: Not getting enough “Likes” on social media,” not being invited to the neighbor’s holiday party, or what others think about our clothes, or haircut, or how we behaved.
But worrying about the bad all the time can color how we see and experience what’s happening right now, too. If we’re stuck in negative thinking, we might not notice an opportunity to get a hug, or the array of colors when the sun sets, or the breeze on our face, or the smell or the earth after a rainstorm, or the warmth of our home after we’ve been outside in the cold.
The amazing thing is we can intentionally bring in the positives of everyday life. Doing so can shift our mood. We can go from being depressed or grumpy to feeling hopeful or upbeat. The more we focus on what’s good and joyful, the more our overall outlook on life begins to shift.
Now, I’m no Pollyanna. I know that things are particularly hard right now with COVID still running rampant and the dark cold days of winter upon us, and with social justice struggles continuing throughout the world, I also know there are still good things that we can shift our attention to when while still acknowledging the negative things that are going on.
The key to this practice is practice! Because we’re so hardwired to gravitate towards possible negative outcomes and memories, we need to consciously bring in the positive, notice the joy and remember good results and experiences.
Notice the worrying. Each time you find yourself focusing on your worries, take a moment to pause. You can say to yourself, “I was stuck in the bad and now I’m going to notice something good.” Then bring your attention to small accomplishments you’ve had that day, or good memories. The idea is to come up with at least one positive thing.
Bring in more joy. Take time in your day to notice what inspires you or brings a sense of joy and awe. For me, a beautiful sunset or sunrise, the warmth of the sun shining on the water, or the unconditional love that my dog Elvis has for me, all can leave me feeling awed by the earth’s beauty and the depth of emotion I feel.
Practice gratitude. What are you thankful or grateful for? Each day it can be something new. Maybe you’re grateful to have a job, or to have gotten out of bed even though you’re tired, or that your mom or a friend called unexpectedly, and it cheered you up.
The idea is to make practicing gratitude a part of your day. Journaling can help make it a more intentional experience. Sharing the things you’re grateful for with others has an even bigger impact on you and them.
Smile. Some meditations encourage you smile with your eye or smile like the Buddha. They suggest it because just the act of smiling makes us feel joyful and happier. So the next time you’re feeling a bit down, try smiling, even if you don’t feel like it.
Appreciate your body. We are so hard on ourselves about our weight or fitness. Bodies naturally come in all shapes and sizes. They carry and support us throughout our days, 365 days each year, for years and years. That’s pretty amazing! So, take a moment to thank your body for being an amazing organism that does so many things naturally, without your even needing to think about it.
Enjoy!
The stress of the holidays and the cold dark days of winter can make it easy to get stuck in a negative thinking loop. I hope these tips will help you find the joy and splendor of the holidays, of the season and in your life.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety contact me!
The holidays are coming! Here in the United States, Thanksgiving is right around the corner and all the other winter celebrations are soon to follow. I’ve come to love the holiday season because it means spending time with family, eating good food and enjoying social gatherings—but it wasn’t always that way.
I can remember as a child having HUGE expectations for what I felt the holiday “should be.” Most of the time life didn’t meet my expectations. Things were usually pretty good, but I wanted things to be perfect. In my fantasy, I’d get all the gifts I asked for, my siblings wouldn’t tease me, we’d bake pies and cookies and no one would get yelled at or get in trouble. We’d be the perfect family celebrating the perfect Christmas. As you might expect, I was often left feeling disappointed.
Perfectionism and having high expectations are a couple of ways we try to manage our anxiety about things we can’t control. We tell ourselves that if nothing goes wrong, then we won’t feel bad, things won’t be uncomfortable, nothing will derail the holiday spirit.
The unspoken expectations are especially hard for us and our relationships. We want others to know what we need, but we might not know how to ask. Then, when our expectations aren’t acknowledged or met, we feel hurt, unseen, underappreciated…. But how can others meet our expectations if they know nothing about them?
If we hope that the people in our lives who care about us will be able to intuit—just know—what we need, we’re giving them a lot of credit for mind reading or picking up on subtle or passive clues. Most people aren’t that attuned or gifted!
I’ve found that for holidays and celebrations to feel enjoyable and less stressful, it’s up to me to know what I want and need, and to share that with others. I’m working to be in the moment so I can experience what’s happening right now (managing my expectations) and asking for help when I need it (asking for what I need).
Take some time to listen to You. What expectations do you have? What are your hopes?
Ask yourself in the moment, are my expectations realistic? Am I sharing my expectations with others?
When you’re feeling resentful, underappreciated, frustrated or unseen, ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Maybe you need help setting the table, or shopping for your partner’s mother’s gift. Who can you ask for help?
When you’re tired, overwhelmed or stressed, ask yourself, “What can I give to Me right now?” Maybe it’s rest, or a drink of water or hot tea. Maybe it’s pausing and taking a deep breath. Maybe you need a hug. Can you find a way to give yourself what you need in this moment?
Take some time to savor the good. Can you see colorful leaves on the trees or ground? Or snow sparkling in the sunlight? Did your child or pet snuggle up next to you just as when you were about to go do more—and did that allow you to pause and connect for a moment? Or maybe you noticed you were tired and went to bed early instead of scrolling social media. Try to be present with that good feeling for a few minutes.
You may feel holiday stress, because the holidays are stressful and we’re all carrying a lot more additional stress coming into the holidays this year. Still, when we manage our expectations and we voice our needs to ourselves and others, we can reduce the stress and enjoy the moments that are happening all the time, right now.
If you’ve listened to the Woman Worriers podcast, or read some of my blogs, you know that I credit my mindfulness and meditation practice for helping me manage my anxiety, stress and feelings of overwhelm.
Before I started meditating, I was sure I’d never be able to clear my mind of worry and thoughts. Although I’d heard others talk about the benefits of meditation, I was skeptical that it would do anything for me.
I wasn’t sure I could sit quietly for very long. And then to try to clear my mind of any thoughts or worries? Forget it! But I’ve learned there’s so much more to a mindful meditation practice.
Meditation and mindfulness are not a magic pills that take the anxiety away; rather they’re practices that help you become more aware of your anxious feelings. Meditation and mindfulness can help you get to know your inner self—your more genuine self—with more clarity, and they can bring more ease into your daily life.
As I read more and listened to mindfulness and meditation teachers’ presentations, I got curious. A therapist I was seeing at the time loaned me the book Wherever You Go, There You Are by John Kabat-Zinn, and I was intrigued. I began exploring other resources and talking to more people about how I could get started.
My regular practice began when I purchased Self-compassion Step by Step by Kristen Neff and Meditation and Psychotherapy by Tara Brach, from Sounds True. These CDs of educational talks include meditations that you can follow along with during the teachings.
With those purchases I also received a free CD of guided meditations. It was a sample of seven or eight meditations with different teachers. I copied the CD into my iTunes and used it regularly.
By listening to the CDs, I learned that mindful meditation isn’t about clearing your mind of worries and thoughts, it’s about being aware of where your mind goes—all the time. It’s normal for our mind to wander, and we can learn how to bring our attention and focus back to an anchor, like our breath or sounds or a mantra. I like to think of it this way: Each time I bring my mind back from wherever it went, I’m teaching my brain what it feels like to live in the present moment, instead of being stuck in the worry and stress.
The courses I purchased through Sounds True taught me how to use meditation in sessions with clients because they taught me how tolerate my own difficult feelings by using self-compassion practices. I can say wholeheartedly that the work of Tara Brach and Kristen Neff have impacted my client’s lives just as their teachings have changed my relationship with myself in very meaningful ways.
At the beginning of my journey with mindfulness, I moved in and out of meditation, sometimes practicing regularly, and at other times not practicing at all. When you’re learning on your own, without a group, it can be hard. It’s so easy to get caught up in something else.
Although I don’t use the free meditations that I got from Sounds True anymore, I do practice regularly. And I notice it when I don’t. I feel as if something is missing, and y body yearns to get back to the practice. I’ve taken some amazing courses, joined meditation groups, interviewed meditation teachers and bought lots of books to help me sustain the work.
I was honored to talk with Tami Simon, the founder of Sounds True, on the Woman Worriers podcast. We explored what inspired her to create the platform, how her journey has helped her to find a sense of belonging in the world and the universe, and how she sees the company moving forward.
I respect and value the resources that Sounds True offers and decided recently to team up with them, so the Woman Worriers podcast is now an affiliate partner. If you use my link, a portion of the proceeds from anything you purchase will go to fund the podcast.
I love podcasting and it takes time, energy and money to continue to do it well, and to offer you a meaningful experience, with good sound and careful editing. With support from other resources, like Sounds True and Audible, I can continue to do the work I love and share it with the world!
Here’s the link to use to check out what Sounds True has to offer and to support the Woman Worriers podcast: https://www.soundstrue.com/store/#ecush
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety contact me!
This is a post about racism and learning to be anti-racist. Specifically, it’s about me, a white woman who’s trying to unlearn and call attention to all the subtle racism that is so deeply embedded in me and in our culture.
I’m writing this because I’m a mother, a business owner and a therapist who knows what it’s like to be caught up in the worry. I’m a white woman who’s been caught up in the worries about not knowing what to say, saying the wrong thing, and feeling the shame and guilt of not saying anything when I see racism in my life, in my community, my country and in the world.
I’m learning to ground myself in our collective humanness, my desire to have all voices heard and the goal that everyone should be valued for who they are and not what they look like, not by their gender, how they worship, or who they love. I want to make my voice heard, to speak up and advocate for anti-racism and change even though it feels hard, and I might not always get it right. I know it's important to keep trying and that my not always perfect voice matters.
I was raised by liberal white parents in the city of Philadelphia, attended a Quaker high school and I’d describe myself as a liberal, anti-racist, white woman. I haven’t been loud about my beliefs, but I’ve mostly felt comfortable where I was, until I wasn’t comfortable anymore.
With the most recent deaths of black women and men, particularly Breonna Taylor and George Floyd, and the protests and demonstrations that have risen up around the world, I was reminded of the protests in Baltimore in 2015. That April, Freddie Gray died in police custody after being handcuffed and recklessly driven around the city in the back of a police van.
My son is a journalist and he was assigned the job of reporting on those protests for his New York City employer. I was terrified of him being in the middle of the violence. I worried he would be hurt because he was a white man out on the streets in the midst of Black protesters.
More recent conversations with my anti-racism teacher about my fear and worry for his safety— because of the color of his skin— made me reflect about what it would be like to send my sons out into the world—EVERY DAY– with that same level of fear. I realized what it felt like to fear that they would be harassed, bullied, demeaned, and physically hurt because of the color of their skin. It was one thing to spend a few days worried about my son, but I recognized how awful it would be to live with that fear, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year…and knowing that the police, who were supposed to protect me and my children, might also be a threat to our safety.
As I said at the beginning, I’m a liberal white woman and, for a long time, that sense that I’m an open-minded person felt like enough. It was comfortable. I knew what I believed and stood for, and it felt like that was enough.
Because of the anti-racist education I’ve been doing over the last few years, I’ve experienced a growing awareness that the “comfortable place” is no longer very comfortable. I realize that staying in that comfortable place means that I’m choosing to live with the comfort that my white privilege affords me and therefore I’m ignoring the suffering that White privilege causes Black people and all people of color.
I now recognize that by staying comfortable and quiet I'm perpetuating the systems that keep racism in place. And I’m very uncomfortable with that. I want and feel compelled to do more and I know it will feel uncomfortable. It’s time to trust my voice, my intuition, my inner warrior, myself.
But, before I felt ready and able to trust my inner voice and my inner warrior, I sought help. I reached out to Black women for guidance, and I was gently told that I needed to do my own work first and foremost.
It took me some time to realize my mistake. I was asking a Black woman to educate me, for free, so that I could be a better white person. Because of my internalized racism, I didn’t recognize that what I did was racist. I expected they would want to help me be a better white person, and didn’t consider the harm of my request. Our history is rooted in white people’s expectation that Black people should provide white people services for free, with little regard for their needs.
I was perpetuating Black trauma without even realizing my mistake. I wanted to “do” anti-racism right and was already being told that I was already doing it wrong, and that felt terrible.
That’s the thing about internalized racism. It’s so deeply ingrained in us—all white people—that we don’t see it unless we're looking closely at our unconscious biases, those things we assume or believe about others without even realizing it—i.e.large groups of Black people aren’t safe for white people or that Black people are responsible for helping us eliminate racism.
And, it’s not our fault as individuals. White people are not “bad people” because we have deeply ingrained racist beliefs. We were raised and live in a country that was built on a white patriarchal paradigm. The ways of the system become our ways - until we decide to make change.
After I realized my mistake, I did my own research, bought books, read, followed and shared posts from women of color on social media. I searched for articles and read news on racism in America. I attended events at art museums that featured minority artists and then paid for a course and mentoring offered by a woman of color.
Don’t ask Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) to tell you how to be less racist. If you want guidance, pay a person of color who specializes in anti-racism work to mentor and support you.
Find ways to ground yourself. Get calm and make space to notice and feel your feelings before talking. Identify your values, the things that matter most to you, and use them as a guide for where to put your energy.
Listen, and explore—with compassion—your own biases and internalized racism
Listen and process when a person of color points out your racist or white-centered words, actions or assumptions.
Be willing to apologize when you get it wrong.
If needed, process your feelings with another white person who is doing the same work or a Black mentor who is being compensated for their work.
Expose yourself to and purchase art, music, and literature created by POC.
Go to restaurants, church services, or other events where you’re the minority.
Buy from and support businesses owned by POC.
Financially support causes that are working to dismantle the racist underpinnings of our country.
Join community social change groups.
I’m still learning and practicing how to address racism when I see and hear it in the moment.
The journey and my work continues. I’m figuring out how to move out of the worry that ensnares white women trying to “do better” and instead be an anti-racism warrior. It’s not about being a “white savior” or doing the work to get accolades and say “look at me, see what a good white person I am.” As an anti-racism warrior, I’m seeking to be someone who is grounded, vulnerable, honest, imperfect and willing to apologize when I get it wrong. To know that I’ll make some mistakes and I’ll continue to speak up.
If you’re a white person who’d like to start your own journey here are some great books to get you started:
White Awake by Daniel Hill
So You Want to Talk About Racism by Ijeoma Oluo
My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem
White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo
Uprooting Racism: How White People Can work for Racial Justice by Paul Kivel
Stamped From the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibram X. Kendi
Me and White Supremacy by Layla F Saad
And even when you start doing the inner work, you’ll make mistakes, missteps, stay quiet when you want to speak up, say the wrong thing, and probably feel really uncomfortable at least some of the time. In spite of that — and because of all that — it’s important to keep at it, to stay grounded in the process, and give voice to your inner warrior who longs to speak up for justice and equality.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety contact me!
If you’ve read my blogs and listened to my podcast, you know that I encourage practicing self-compassion, especially if you’ve got an inner critic that shows up to make sure you’re aware of all your faults and possible missteps.
I love self-compassion work so much that last week I shared some practical self-compassion exercises in my guest blog—Using Self-Compassion to Reduce Anxiety—for Sharon Martin’s Happily Imperfect blog on Psych Central.
I learned about Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion when I was just starting out as a therapist. I remember having lunch with my supervisor and she mentioned self-compassion and Dr. Neff’s work. I’d just bought a CD with her self-compassion training and was excited to better understand how to bring meditation and mindful awareness into my life, with compassion.
Since then, I joined 50 other people for a week-long training workshop with Kristen Neff and Chris Germer, diving deeper into the practice.
The work has changed my life, and that’s not an exaggeration. I know myself better, I have a better relationship with my inner critic, and I’ve learned to be kinder to myself and others.
That’s the hidden gem in the self-compassion practice. The practice helps us feel more connected to ourselves and all other living beings. When we open ourselves up to the concept that we all struggle at times—because we’re human—we learn to offer kindness instead of judgment to ourselves and to others who are struggling.
The practice has helped me feel more in tune with myself. It has allowed me to build a kind, loving relationship with me. And I’ve learned to trust myself in ways I never did before. I also feel more connected to the people in my life and more empathetic and accepting of others.
Sharing the Wisdom of Self-Compasion
Because the practice has helped me feel less anxious and more comfortable in knowing myself, I’m creating a program with self-compassion at its core to help women build a more loving and open relationship with themselves. I’ll keep you up to date and share some of what the program will offer as I’m building it, so keep an eye on this space!
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety contact me!
I experience anxiety, I’m an introvert and I recognized later in life that I’m also a highly sensitive person (HSP), so it’s not surprising that I usually spend a good amount of time alone. With the current physical distancing and stay-at-home restrictions here in my home state of Maryland, the pace of my days is a little slower and I’m spending even more time at home.
I’m not a big fan of exercising in a gym with a lot of other sweaty people. Stadium music events stress me out, and shopping at a crowded mall or store isn’t my idea of fun. So, although this time of enforced quarantine is really hard, being at home is not a problem for me.
Make no mistake—I miss traveling, seeing my kids, my family and my friends and being able to go out without worrying about the virus. But I recognize that some time spent alone is actually good for my emotional state.
Unfortunately, I’m not spending more time at home by choice. Although I’m not dying to go to the gym, I’d like to be able to go to a store without worrying about coming home contaminated. That feeling of powerlessness can add an underlying level of stress to my life.
I’ve taken up journaling each night before bed. Lately I’ve noticed a low level of anxiety that’s with me at the end of each day. It’s as if my body is saying, “There’s another day/week/weekend ahead where you have to be alert and careful. Stay on guard.”
It’s not surprising that some nights that I feel like I dream all night long and others where I toss and turn or wake up in the middle of the night. Fortunately I sleep soundly some nights, but I’m always tired when I wake, so I know my body is holding on to stress all the time.
If you can relate to my experience, or even if you’re feeling pretty good, you can incorporate a few things into your life to help you better manage the constant underlying stress of living in a time of crisis.
Be kind to yourself. I’ve seen people posting on social media that this as a period of increased creativity and productivity—but if you’re not feeling productive or creative right now, know that you’re not alone. Stress and anxiety make it very hard to find the mental energy and mindset for anything other than survival. So, be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you are where you are, and that you’re doing the best that you can right now.
Be kind to yourself 2.0. You might also find that you’re falling back into old roles, habits or behaviors you thought you’d changed or modified. Know that it’s not unusual for this to happen. We can easily revert back to old ways of coping with our stress because those old ways of being and doing worked in the past to help us feels better.
I’ve been comfort eating—consuming more carbs than usual—and it is comforting! You might be drinking, using other substances or eating more or less than usual. Or maybe you’re on your phone or other screen more than you’d like to be, or ignoring your kids, or playing more video games than usual to help you relax. Try being kind to yourself in this time, no matter what. We’re in a state of crisis, and adding harsh self-criticism to the mix will only make you feel worse.
Get some fresh air. Being inside might feel safer or less scary, but your body craves nature to help it balance and reset. Find a place where you can feel the ground under your feet, wiggle your toes and stand barefoot if possible, so you can really feel connected to the earth. Imagine you are rooted to the ground, like a tree. Take a few slow deep breaths and notice the air as it enters and leaves your body. Allow yourself to be here for a few minutes before moving on to whatever is next.
Set aside five minutes each day to journal. Taking pen to paper can calm your nervous system without you having to do anything else other than write or draw. Here are a few prompts to get you started:
What’s happening in my body right now? Get curious and use words or images to describe how your body feels right now.
What did I do today? It doesn’t have to be profound. Write as much or as little detail as you like.
How am I feeling right now? Tired? Anxious? Relaxed? Write how you’re feeling and try not to judge a feeling as “good” or “bad.” If you find you’re judging your feelings, journal a reminder that everyone has all the feelings all the time.
Let it flow. Write about whatever comes to mind.
Make note of three things you’re grateful for that day. They can be big things or small ones, like seeing the sun shining through the window. Research shows that gratitude practices can reduce depression and anxious feelings.
Laugh out loud. Watch a TV show, YouTube video or Instagram post that gets you laughing out loud. Laughter relieves the stress response, massages your internal organs and can stimulate your circulation and relax your muscles. So get those laughter juices flowing!
We will move through this. Taking care of yourself while we do is good for your body and mind.
Are you doing some fun, outside the box, creative things to de-stress? I’d love to hear about them and include them in a podcast episode!
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!
The coronavirus, or COVID-19, is all over the news. Everywhere, we see evidence of people’s fears about the virus. Hand sanitizer is hard to find. Organizers are cancelling conferences and events. When I traveled to the west coast last weekend, I saw many people at the airport wearing masks over their nose and mouth.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the reported cases have ranged from mild symptoms to severe illness and, in some instances, death. Symptoms may appear from two days to two weeks after a person is exposed to the virus. Symptoms include fever, cough and shortness of breath.
COVID-19 is a lot like the flu except it’s a new virus—one that got transmitted from animals to humans—and we don’t have a vaccine yet. So that is a little frightening.
But, it’s hard to know how concerned we should be. Some news reports leave me worried and scared, and some leave me reassured and wondering why we’re all in a panic.
The hardest part of getting sick is that we have very little control over whether we get sick. Our lack of control can make the worry, stress and anxiety much worse. So, how do we manage our stress when we can’t control an outcome?
There’s no tool that can take the COVID-19 worries away. The virus is out there. But you can do a few things to help you feel more grounded and present, and hopefully reduce your stress in the moment.
The CDC recommends washing your hands as one of the best means of prevention—much better than wearing a mask. On the other hand, if you’re sick, wear a mask and keep your germs to yourself.
And you can make washing your hands a mindful moment. Experts recommend that you should wash your hands for at least 20 seconds to rid them of germs. As you’re counting down the time, listen to the water as is flows out of the faucet, smell the soap’s fragrance, watch it lather and notice the feeling of the lather in your hands. As you rinse your hands, watch the lather flow down the drain. When your minds goes to worries or stress about the coronavirus, bring your attention back to the sensations of washing your hands.
The CDC also recommends keeping your hands away your face. Let me tell you, this is really hard. I’ve caught myself picking something out of my teeth with my finger (I know, TMI) and rubbing my eyes without any thought to all to the germs that might be on my hands. Try not to judge yourself too harshly if you forget, too. We’re human and we have a lot of habits that aren’t easy to break.
A lot of information is flying around out there, so managing your information intake is important. I try not to check the news about the virus more than once a day, but someone or something can bring me news even when I’m not looking for it.
If you do hear disturbing facts or updates about the virus, remind yourself that there are some things that you can’t control and that you’re doing the best you can to control the things that are within your power to control.
A few deep breaths can calm your nervous system and boost your immune system. A few times a day—especially if you feel stressed—take three slow, deep breaths. Fill your lungs, back and belly when you inhale. As you exhale, let your breath out slowly, making a sighing noise—haaaaaahh.
From news reports, most hospitals and doctors’ offices want you to stay home if you’re sick, UNLESS you’re having difficulty breathing and/or your fever is very high.
If you do get sick, don’t panic. Most people who get the virus don’t die. Take care of yourself and do all the things you’d do if you got the flu. Drink a lot of fluids. Keep your fever down and get lots of rest so your body can heal.
If you have a compromised immune system or existing lung issues and you think you have COVID-19, communicate with your doctor so you can get the help you need.
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!
We work so hard to get things done, to check them off our list(s), to be productive that we forget to notice what it’s like to live our life.
We make “doing” a priority.
Then the universe shows up and says, “What if doing isn’t enough? Wouldn’t you like to be in your life instead of do your life?”
“You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”
About 15 years ago, I got stopped in my tracks. I’d been so busy taking care of others: the kids, the animals, the house, schoolwork, the chores…. Suddenly I realized I was missing something. I felt disconnected, untethered.
I was so out of touch with what I needed and wanted that I would freeze when given a choice like “pizza or Chinese?”
That’s when I started on my journey with a mindfulness and meditation practice. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t used to sitting quietly or taking notice of my sensory experience. I can remember telling my meditation coach, “I find that I tune out. I daydream, get lost in thought. I don’t think I’m meditating right.”
I worried that I might never get it “right.”
What it’s taken me some time to recognize is that it’s the noticing—when we’re drawn away to our thoughts, feelings, daydreams— that’s what matters. When we’re noticing and coming back to our breath and our body’s sensory experience, we’re practicing mindfulness.
The continued practice has helped me gain new insight into Me. It’s helped me feel more love and connection to all of me. All. Of. Me. The shadow and the light, the imperfections and the gifts. All of me.
It’s also helped me to feel more connected to everyone around me. My kids, my husband, my family, my dog, my clients, people I encounter in daily life…Because I feel a deeper connection inside me, it shines through on the outside.
Imagine if we could all show up and be seen.
I’m on a quest to make that happen! Come join me and women like us in the Women’s Mindfulness Circles that are starting next month!
Here’s what others have said about the Mindfulness Circles:
“Spending time with other women in a supportive, healthy environment, I realized how little I have that.”
“A chance to meet with other [women] who are experiencing similar challenges and be accountable to the group for trying new habits and practices.”
“[I enjoyed] sharing and talking about our experiences.”
What to know more? You can find it here.
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!
Some changes are coming to Progression Counseling and the Woman Worriers podcast! Don’t worry. They’re nothing huge—but they are changes.
Why is change so hard for us humans? You’d think we’d be biologically wired for change. After all, back in the day we’d need to be ready for whatever came our way: cold weather, lions, drought… But today we’re so resistant to making changes ourselves or when changes are made for us.
I think our worrying minds go into overdrive when we contemplate change. We think up all the possible bad things that might happen and then flesh out those stories so that they feel real, as if they actually happened.
Change can be uncomfortable. When we think about doing things differently, it can make us feel physically uncomfortable. That’s because unexpected changes can activate our fight/flight response. When our brain and body feel under attack from a perceived threat, our digestive system slows down and our heart rate increases as our body gets ready to fight or flee.
We don’t always like change, but it happens and we can’t change that! Most of the time, change isn’t something we can control. That’s the way life is. What we can change is our reaction to change. We can learn to tolerate the uncomfortableness that often accompanies change.
We can tune in and notice our body’s reactions to change by using mindfulness and meditation. Meditation trains us to notice the discomfort and stay with it. And although that might sound terrible, the feelings usually diminish. As they become less intense, we begin to feel less stressed.
Mindfulness helps us notice the thoughts, perceptions and interpretations that accompany our feelings about change. We can then get curious and look for other ways to interpret what’s happening. This helps to open us up to new possibilities and new ways of responding.
You learn from a neighbor that the store you love is changing management. You know the manager now, and go there because they carry all the things you love. But now you’re wondering about this new manager and what they might do to change things. Your body responds as if something really bad is about to happen.
You’re feeling upset or mad, so you decide to sit with that feeling for a moment. You take a few minutes to slowly breathe into the uncomfortable feelings that rise up in your body. You take a moment to honor whatever you’re feeling, without judgment. After a few minutes, you might notice that you’re feeling calmer.
You decide to get curious about your thoughts and perceptions about the change. You notice that you’re telling yourself that it will terrible for you, and you wonder, “What if it isn’t terrible?” You continue to get curious and imagine that the new manager might bring in some new stuff that you like, and maybe the new manager is just as nice as the old one.
You recognize that you can ask questions and find out more about the changes and then decide how you want to respond.
Using mindfulness and meditation to tolerate uncomfortable feelings around change takes practice and lots of self-compassion. If you’d like some help getting started, you can sign-up for free meditation and mindfulness guides available from my updated website.
The changes I’m making will definitely NOT be life threatening. I’m streamlining my website and redoing my logos for both Progression Counseling and Woman Worriers. I’m also offering a new Worried Women’s guides for meditating and mindfulness that you can request for free!
I’ll be shifting the content of the bi-weekly blogs a bit, too. My plan is to have one longer blog each month on things that make me/us worry and how we can support each other and ourselves in this worrying time. Towards the end of the month, I’ll send out an update with all the podcast episodes that month and links for you to find out more.
I’m refining the podcast focus as well. I’m still working on how it will shift, but my plan is to be more intentional about the podcast mission and guests who support that mission. It had begun to feel scattershot—who the guests were, why I was interviewing them. I want to be clear about my reasons for inviting someone on the show and to communicate that to you, the audience.
This is a worrying world, and all female-identified people have plenty to worry about! So, we’ll be talking to warrior women who have learned to work with the worry, instead of running from it and to warrior women (and sometimes men) who are supporting and empowering worried women in their journeys. I’ll be sharing warrior women’s worries, whatever they might be.
If you think you’d be a good guest on the podcast, or you know someone, you can contact me here.
Remember: You always have a choice about my emails and I’d love for you to stick around to see what’s new!
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
The beginning of each new year feels like it brings pressure to do something big, to make changes, to be different. Vision boards, resolution lists, intention setting, manifesting… We have so many options to create change. I’m sure there are more.
For the last few years I’ve made a list of new-year intentions. I wrote down things I’d like more of in my life. Last year I also participated in a Best Year Ever class, where I mapped out what I wanted to accomplish over the course of the year. That was very helpful, but I found I tried to do all the things I’d mapped out right away! Then I forgot to go back and see what was left on the list as the year progressed.
In the past, because I’m a business owner, my goals tend to sway towards work rather than personal goals. I ended up feeling overwhelmed by all the things I added to my to-do list. Although my business is very important to me, I’ve recognized this past year that my personal goals get put aside or remain undone because I minimize their importance when I’m deciding how to spend my time and energy.
“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns...We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”
When we put more emphasis on work, or other people’s needs and we don’t honor what we need it can lead to burn-out and us feeling frustrated, exhausted, angry and resentful. Not the best way to spend the first year of a new decade!
When you’ve lived much of your life putting other’s needs first—and that can happen at work as well as at home— it can be hard to do things differently. It definitely takes a bit more effort and a lot of positive self-talk, self-compassion and self-awareness to be mindful of and meet our own needs.
Making yourself a priority can feel selfish, mean, and very uncomfortable, but it’s important. If we’re not paying attention and attending to our needs, who else is going to do it?
It’s also easy to fall back into our old behaviors when we’re stressed. They’re called patterns for a reason! We’ve been taking care of everyone else’s needs for a long time. Change takes time.
I’d love to dedicate this year to the Self, and I hope you’ll join me. Taking care of You and making You a priority doesn’t have to be a grand gesture or enormous shift. It’s small steps, like checking in with yourself a few times a day and asking, “What do I need right now?” The answer might surprise you.
Here are some other ideas to help you move into the new year with compassion and love for yourself:
·Make time to meditate each day.
Two to three minutes of mindful meditation every day can help you get to know yourself and your body in a deeper way.
Be in nature.
Connecting with the natural world helps us feel more grounded and calm. When you’re in a more grounded place it’s easier to tune into You.
Offer yourself the compassion and kindness you would give to friends.
We can change our relationship with ourselves if we can find some space for kindness.
No matter how you mark the new year, I hope you’ll take some time for you in 2020!
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Whether you’re celebrating a holiday or not, this time of year can feel really stressful. You usually see signs of Christmas everywhere you go. The music, the ads, the decorations can all feel like a little too much—or maybe a lot too much!
You might not be feeling much of the holiday spirit. This time of year can bring up painful memories and feelings of loss, loneliness and sorrow. If the holidays are difficult for you, know that you’re not alone. Although it might feel like the whole world is having a great time and you’re the only one not filled with holiday joy, know that others are struggling, too.
“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”
Mindfulness can help you get out of your head where the planning and scheduling, the sadness, the worry, and the distress all live. Mindfulness creates more space and awareness for what’s going on right here, right now. I wrote the blog post Staying Mindful Through the Holidays a couple of years ago because I know how hard it can be when the holidays feel overwhelming.
If the holidays are hard for you, or even if you absolutely love them, take some time to feel whatever it is you’re feeling without judgment. Take some time to be kind and compassionate with yourself.
My wish is that, over the next couple of weeks, you can also find some time to relax, take care of yourself, enjoy the people you love, and find small (and big) moments of gratitude and joy. Here’s another link to the post:
https://www.progressioncounseling.com/blog/staying-mindful-through-the-holidays
My recent podcast episode, How to be Mindful this Holiday Season offers even more tips.
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Between working, preparing for the holidays, maybe taking care of family or friends and doing the everyday things that need to get done, chances are you haven’t been doing a great job of taking care of yourself.
Sometimes we’re so used to caring for others that we’re not fully aware that we’re neglecting ourselves. How do we know we’re not taking good care of ourselves? Here are a few signs that it’s time to give yourself the gift of some self-care—and some suggestions for how to do it.
1. You’re exhausted all the time.
It’s normal to feel more tired than usual during the holidays, when we’re extra busy—but if you’re having a hard time getting out of bed or staying awake throughout the day, you might be over-stressing your system.
Our body and brain need rest to reset each day. If you’re not sleeping well, try taking some time to rest. Lying down for 10-15 minutes without doing anything—even if you don’t sleep—can help your body recharge.
2. You hate the holiday season.
For some of us, the holiday season isn’t filled with joy and laughter. Maybe your memories of past holidays weren’t great, or maybe the idea of seeing some family members leaves you feeling stressed. Whatever the reason, it’s okay not to love this time of year, but it’s all the more reason to do things that you do enjoy! Take some time to watch a movie, listen to music, prepare a good meal, travel, hang with friends or take a walk in nature. Do things that nourish you.
If you do have to spend time with people who leave you feeling less than joyful, set some limits on how much time you need to be there. Maybe have separate transportation so you can leave when you’re ready. Maybe you stay for one day instead of a whole week. Think ahead and remind yourself that setting limits can be very healthy and good for us!
3. You frequently feel resentment, anger or frustration this time of year.
If you’re the kind of person who always puts other people’s needs ahead of your own, if you’re a people pleaser or a constant caregiver, the holidays can bring up a lot of stuff! We can get overwhelmed easily and feel resentful and underappreciated. Life is busy enough without the holidays, so adding more to the to-do list can feel like a burden.
People pleasers and people who gravitate toward caregiving for others often have a hard time asking for help, taking time for themselves and saying “no.” But when there’s so much to do this time of year, the best way you can care for yourself is to set some realistic limits on your time and energy. Take some time to consider how you can support yourself. Don’t say “yes” right away. Pause and ask yourself if this next thing will over-stress you. Could family or friends help with whatever needs doing?
What’s are your clues that tell you it’s time to tune in to yourself? You can give yourself so many gifts:
Paying attention to your needs
Taking time to rest
Nourishing your body
Doing the things you love
Setting boundaries
Asking for help when possible
You also can check out more ways to manage holiday stress on episode 83 of the podcast.
Here’s hoping your holiday is filled with whatever self-care you need!
Trauma, especially childhood trauma, can have an impact on us long into adulthood. As I’ve shared in other blogs and on the Woman Worriers podcast, because of the childhood trauma I experienced, I struggled with anxiety for a long time.
Trauma doesn’t just impact our mental health; it impacts our physical health, too.
Studies show that the physical and mental health effects of being exposed to adverse childhood events (ACEs) can last a lifetime. In fact, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced this month that preventing ACEs could prevent many adult chronic health conditions.
Children who are exposed to ACEs learn to ignore and distance themselves from the uncomfortable feelings associated with those experiences when they’re left to cope with trauma on their own. It’s the only way to survive.
Coping by avoiding then becomes a part of how we manage stress and difficult life events in adulthood. The feelings and distress don’t just go away because we avoid or ignore them. They get stored in our brains, which we might experience as nightmares and flashbacks. They get stored in our body, and show up as anxiety, depression, stomachaches and headaches, along with a long list of other symptoms.
I got really good at ignoring my distressed emotional and physical feelings. I’d stay busy with friends, staying away from home often when things got tough. Then, when I entered adolescence, I turned to substances to help distance myself even further from the anxiety and the discomfort in my body.
“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.”
What I’ve come to understand that I didn’t know it at the time was that my traumatic experiences were stored deep inside my body. I’d gotten really good at distancing from my feelings, and the only signal that I was feeling something was my anxiety.
When my anxious feelings would bubble up it made me physically uncomfortable. My stomach would get upset, I’d get a tightness in my chest, I’d feel nervous about being around large groups of people. Using substances helped to keep those feelings and sensations at bay, at least for a short time.
I’m grateful that I’ve had mentors, colleagues and therapists who’ve helped me better understand and practice attending to my body when my anxiety shows up. Because it still shows up. Thankfully not as often, but it’s still a part of me.
I spoke with Danielle Ivins-Fishman about the tension and trauma release exercises last week on the podcast. I haven’t tried that form of bodywork, but with an expert practitioner it sounds pretty amazing.
Some other practices that can help you get in touch with your body and stress responses are:
Yoga
Intuitive movement
Drama therapy
Dance therapy
Mindful meditation
Massage
“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.”
Paying attention to my body’s sensations has made it easier for me to recognize when my stress and anxiety are first activated. I can then to respond with intention and compassion, instead of with avoidance or distraction.
When you’re attuned to the first inklings of distress, you can begin to take care of yourself in that moment, before the anxiety gets to a point where it feels like there’s no return.
Our body wants us to heal. If we’re listening to the physical signals it’s us sending us, we can actively work toward repairing the wounds we carry deep inside.
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!
I’d like to think that I can say what I need without concern, but the truth is that sometimes I keep quiet because I worry about how others will react. Am I a people pleaser? Sometimes!
Both men and women can be people pleasers but I think that, from an early age, women get subtle and not so subtle messages to put others’ needs first. That taking care of ourselves is selfish.
It’s okay to consider other people’s feelings when making decisions, but if your go-to response is to prioritize other people’s happiness over your own feelings, you’re not doing yourself any favors.
If your own needs weren’t valued or met when you were growing up, you internalize those messages. Maybe you were ignored when you cried or were hungry. Maybe you were told to be quiet or told that you complained too much. Maybe another family member’s needs were always a priority.
When family members struggle with mental health or substance use issues, the children in the family often end up taking care of the parent or sibling who’s struggling. Those kids learn very early that they must meet other people’s needs first in order to have peace and calm in the home. That message can become ingrained in the child’s psyche.
We then bring those early childhood messages into our adult relationships. We work hard at making sure everyone else is “happy” or taken care of and we ignore— or don’t even know—what we need.
Constantly caring for others’ needs can lead us to feel exhausted, unacknowledged, taken for granted, resentful and confused about why we struggle with anxiety or depression.
It can also create the feeling that we have to be perfect. There’s a part of us that feels if we can just get it all “right”—the house clean, others’ needs taken care of, the work done—then everyone will be happy. We might believe that if everyone is happy, then we can be happy, too. The reality is we’re probably not very happy if we’re not listening to our own needs.
I definitely struggle with trying to keep everyone else happy. I continue to work on recognizing when I’m ignoring what I need. The fear of making others angry or hurting their feelings drives my people-pleasing behaviors into high gear. And then the anxiety begins to bubble up….
The tension in my chest and constricted feeling in my throat are my body telling me that I have something that needs to be said. I have needs that parts of me really want me to share.
I know the feeling so well, and yet sometimes I still push it away. I busy myself to try to avoid feeling it until I can’t ignore it any longer because I’m lying awake at night when I’m exhausted and I should be sleeping.
I still worry about hurting others, making them angry or being ignored if I do share my feelings. But I’ve learned that tuning in to the parts of me that want to be heard, that need to be heard, helps me express my feelings.
When we give ourselves permission to be heard, we’re reinforcing that we can meet our own needs—that we don’t have to look to others to validate and voice our feelings. We learn that we can find joy, calm and contentment inside ourselves.
If you’ve struggled with figuring out what you need or trusting that you know what you need, therapy can help re-connect you with your Self. It provides a safe, non-judgmental place to look at the messages you internalized growing up. It gives you a space to hear your own voice and build the trust in your Self that might have gotten lost along the way.
Moms are often pushed to meet everyone else’s needs. This week on the Woman Worriers podcast I spoke with Doña Bumgarner, a life coach for moms, about how moms can learn how to meet their own needs while still meeting the needs of their family. You can find the interview here.
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!
Last week I shared the meme shown above on my Woman Worriers Instagram and Facebook pages. It’s titled What I Tell Myself When I’m Discouraged. I liked it because I know how hard I can be on myself when I’m feeling down. It’s easy to forget to be kind to myself when things aren’t going well and I feel discouraged.
When I feel discouraged, the nice things I could say to myself aren’t always the first words that come to me. It’s way to easier to treat myself harshly. I tell myself things that I would never say to someone else.
While I was away on vacation, the meme I shared blew up on my Facebook page. As of today it’s been shared over 800 times. 800 times! It’s my most popular post. I was kind of excited when I saw on my notifications that a post was being shared repeatedly. I’d just dropped a blog post and was hopeful that the content was really touching my followers.
As I looked more closely, I realized that it wasn’t the blog, but the meme that was being shared over and over again.
As I watched the number of “Shares” increase, I talked to my son about it. I was in awe that a meme could generate such a response. I told him how conflicted I felt in that moment about sharing the meme. I was excited that I was getting a lot of engagement about one of my posts, but I also felt like a fraud. I hadn’t created the meme myself; I’d just shared it from someone else’s feed. So, my most popular post that was shared again and again wasn’t even something that had truly come from me.
I work very hard to put together meaningful blog posts and great interviews for my podcast, and I create a lot of really good content. They might get a few shares and likes but none of my original content has ever been shared over 800 times. I realized, ironically, that I was feeling a little discouraged. A meme that I randomly re-shared had become my most popular content.
I’ve been home for a week since that conversation with my son. In that time, I’ve made a point to look through the shares and comments about the post. It obviously struck a chord with a wide variety of people. As I read through the comments on my original post and the shared posts, I saw how deeply the meme had touched others.
Most of the comments included the sentiment, “Thanks, I really needed this today!” In that moment I realized that no one cared about the authorship. It didn’t matter who created the meme. People shared and commented on it because the idea that we could be kind and compassionate with ourselves when we feel discouraged felt novel and it was welcomed with joy.
If we can be kind and compassionate towards others when they’re struggling, why is it so hard to say those same things to ourselves? Logically you’d think we’d be nice to ourselves. After all, we are our own constant companions. Shouldn’t we want to have a healthy healing relationship with Self?
But, in my experience we’re harder on ourselves than we would ever be with anyone else. I know I was actively questioning the value of my content when this meme started gaining popularity. Some of the things I was telling myself were not very kind.
We somehow believe that we don’t deserve kindness. We think that saying compassionate words to ourselves will somehow make us weak, or non-productive or lazy. But the harmful, shaming things we say to ourselves aren’t motivating us; they’re just making us feel bad.
We can learn to be more self-compassionate and kinder to ourselves, even when things aren’t going our way and we feel discouraged. It takes some practice, and it isn’t always easy, especially if we had very critical caregivers.
I still have some discomfort and worry about the popularity of a post that I shared but did not create. And I’d like to give credit where credit is due! I’m also recognizing, experiencing and feeling the joy of sharing the idea that we can, and should, offer ourselves kind and compassionate words when we feel discouraged.
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
On last week’s episode of the Woman Worriers podcast I talked about the practice of self-care and offered some small, simple ways to care for yourself. Even as I was writing up some notes for the recording, I was asking myself, “Am I the right person to tell others how they can better take care of themselves?”
Although today I’m much better at my own self-care, I didn’t always take great care of myself. There were times in my life that I drank too much, I wasn’t a very healthy eater and I was more concerned about taking care of others than paying attention to what I needed.
When we’re stressed or anxious, we tend to fall back into old patterns of behaviors. Chances are, the old patterns are things we did for a very long time. Sometimes that means we forget or choose not to care for ourselves, even when we know it’s good for us.
We now know that when we practice new behaviors we can create new pathways in the brain. It’s called neuroplasticity. However, we can easily revert back to our old ways of doing things when we feel overwhelmed or triggered. Those old neural pathways are well established, like deep ruts in a road. When life makes us stressed or anxious, we can get stuck back in those old ways of doing —or not doing— things.
This past weekend I took some time away from work to spend with family. I noticed that I was really tired when I got home. I had planned to take a day off to do the usual weekend things that help me prepare for the week ahead, but, I filled that first day back home with business instead of using it to rest. I was exhausted from travel but felt guilty when I thought about lying down, so I pushed myself until it was time for bed. Then —no surprise—it was hard for me to fall asleep!
Does that scenario sound familiar to you? We have lots of reasons to put off taking care of ourselves. What I see so often in my psychotherapy practice is that the clients who have a hard time prioritizing self-care had caregivers who didn’t take care of themselves, or parents who were too strict or who didn’t enforce rules, boundaries and expectations for their kids.
We learn how to take care of our needs, create boundaries, and do things we don’t want to do from our parents. In her very informative blog on childhood emotional neglect, Dr. Jonice Webb writes :
“Most people don’t realize that we humans are not born with the ability to structure ourselves. Nor are we born with a natural ability to make ourselves do what we don’t want to do. In fact, quite the opposite. We learn this skill from our parents. As a child, each time your parents called you in to dinner, interrupting your play with the neighbor kids, made you take a bath, clear the table, clean your room, brush your teeth, hang up your clothes, weed the garden or empty the dishwasher, they were teaching you the two most vital aspects of self-discipline: how to make yourself do what you don’t want to do; and how to stop yourself from doing what you do want to do.”
So, if your parents didn’t teach you when to stop playing and get a drink of water, to have a snack or a meal, or to go to bed, it’s very hard to reinforce those self-care activities now that you’re an adult. Making those behaviors a habit takes conscious effort and reinforcement. Even then, when we’re stressed, we might fall back into old patterns.
Having a parent who is always spending their energy and time on others’ needs can also make it hard for us to prioritize our own needs as adults. If you had overly strict parents or parents with narcissistic tendencies, you might have been taught that having your own needs was selfish or self-centered. You might have been shamed or made to feel guilty when you tried to get your needs met, so you learned that caring for yourself shouldn’t be a priority. The shame and guilt you carry with you from childhood can also make you feel very anxious when you do try to meet your own needs in adulthood.
But we can make changes. We can choose to do things differently. It might feel really hard at first, because those old patterns of behavior get triggered and are very ingrained in us. But through mindful awareness, continued practice and reinforcement, we can learn to take good care of ourselves.
Mindful awareness in daily life helps bring a focused attention to the present moment and gives you some insight into how your thoughts, feelings and behaviors impact your body and your mind. For instance, if you take a moment a few times throughout the day to ask yourself what you need in that moment, you might find that your body is telling you it’s hungry or thirsty. You might find that you’re extremely stressed and you need to take a few slow deep breaths to calm yourself.
You might find that you know what you need but have come up with reasons for not taking care of yourself. Reflect on these moments with compassion. When you can listen to the part of you that believes that taking care of yourself isn’t important, and you recognize that self-care sometimes makes you feel uncomfortable, you can often recognize that those feelings and beliefs are rooted in your past. That’s a moment of mindful awareness. That’s the moment you can choose to do things differently.
If you live in the greater Annapolis, Maryland, area, consider joining one of my mindfulness groups for women. I’d love to have you be a part of our group! You can find out more about the groups here.
You can also find more episodes of the Woman Worriers podcast here.
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!
Tired of anxiety and stress ruling your life? Are you ready to live with more ease and purpose? Start with your free Worried Woman’s Guide to Meditation here.
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