Elizabeth's Blog
Find Calm in the Worry
Woman in nature by @marcospradobr for Unsplash
This blog post was originally written for my newsletter.
Midlife is a wonderful time for reflection. We’ve made it here. We’re looking back at where we came from and ahead to what’s next.
And for highly sensitive women in midlife, you’re particularly attuned to your inner life and emotional experiences. But instead of feeling freeing, midlife can be overwhelming if you’re feeling unfulfilled, out of alignment, or just burned out.
As I began my midlife journey, I wanted to feel more aligned and comfortable with myself. I knew something needed to change but each step I took never felt like enough.
I had spent my life focusing on other’s needs at the expense of my own. And I’d built a life of putting my feelings to the side—or burying them—so I didn’t even know what was missing. I just knew something was.
Maybe you’ve been there. Taking art classes, yoga classes, starting new exercise routines, trying a new religion, a new church, taking self-enrichment classes and courses, accumulating and reading self-help books.
I’ve been there.
I was really good at seeing all of my weaknesses. And as I reminded myself again and again about my deficiencies, I felt the hurt deeply within me.
But I know now that I’m not broken. And I want you to know, you’re not the problem. You. Are. Not. Broken.
If the people in your life didn’t understand and support your highly sensitive traits, you learned early on to keep your needs to a minimum. Or you kept them out of sight.
But when we put our needs aside because we’re told we’re “too much,” we continue to get overwhelmed, stressed, and feel like we’re the problem.
Ironically, I’ve learned the that my search for alignment didn’t have to go any further than myself. The thing that was missing in all of this was me. A healthy, loving, caring relationship with myself.
You’ll begin to make choices that align with your energy and values
You’ll create space and time for reflecting and recharging
You’ll trust your intuition. And it will become your best ally
If you’re longing to feel more aligned and you’d like a space to process and reflect on where you’re stuck, and ways to move towards fulfillment I’d love to support you.
Elizabeth Cush (LCPC) is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a women’s life coach, and business owner in Annapolis, MD where she hosts Awaken Your Wise Woman a podcast for women who want to live more fully and authentically. She loves helping women reconnect with themselves so that they can live with more purpose. Her coaching work is focused on self-compassion practices, healthy boundaries and making the care of Self a priority. She’s worked in the mental health field for over 15 years, is a certified clinical trauma professional and she incorporates mindfulness and meditation into her psychotherapy and coaching work.
Painting with water colors
Guest Post by: Reina Lombardi
Have you ever felt so tired that you couldn’t wait to get in bed only for your brain to fire up as soon as your head hit the pillow? Had your thoughts swirling around one after another about every interaction that occurred that day? What didn’t get done, what could have been done better, what needs to be done tomorrow, the calls you forgot to make, and so on and so forth. This is just one example of how anxiety has presented itself within my life. The consequence of which is often crippling fatigue due to lack of sleep and a negative impact on my level of alertness and ability to function during the day.
One of the tools that I have always turned to for life’s stressors is artmaking and journaling. I don’t consider myself to be particularly skillful at either; rather, I approach them as an opportunity to express and release the energy bound within. Practicing letting go of judgement about the outcome of creative practices is an exercise in self-compassion. It is one that helps us to find value in the process of creating rather than from the end product. It forces one to learn to let go of judging and attributing value based upon one’s ability to produce something “good”.
Mindfulness activities emphasize focusing all of our sensory awareness to what we are experiencing in the present moment without judgement – we simply observe. We can do anything mindfully. Try doing a task you don’t care for while bringing full attention to all of your senses as you are doing it. This can alter our perception of the task itself. It can also help us shift from a feeling of dread to one of tolerance and maybe even appreciation. When we engage in activities mindfully and immerse ourselves in the present moment, we are unable to review incidents from the past or those we are concerned about getting right in future. It is the construction of meaning about the past and possible outcomes of the future where anxious thinking resides. The act of creation can be a wonderful tool for developing mindfulness.
Self-compassion is the act of nurturing and caring for oneself when they feel distressed, disappointed or in pain. It has been positively linked in multiple studies as an effective strategy for anxiety reduction. [i] Mindfulness, even when brief techniques are taught, has also been effective towards reducing anxiety. [ii] We can practice both mindfulness and self-compassion when we create art. This can become a place for rehearsing these skills in order to generalize them in other areas of our lives. In addition, structured art-making itself has been found to lower levels of the stress hormone Cortisol after just 45 minutes of creating.[iii]
1. Paint to Music. I start by finding some relaxing music. I prefer to find music sung in languages with which I am not fluent or without lyrics at all for this exercise. Meditation music is excellent for this process. I don’t want my thinking brain to get activated by the lyrics. I set out a palette of watercolor paints, heavy weight cold-pressed paper, several brushes, a cup of water and paper towels for blotting. Then I turn on the music and paint to the music. I allow the music to guide me in the selection of colors and the brush. I make marks according to the tempo and sounds of the music. As I described earlier, I do my best to focus all of my sensory awareness on the experience of doing. I find watercolor to be the best paint medium for this process, but you could also try gouache or acrylic to determine which media works best for you.
2. Sensory-focused expressive journaling. In order to maximize getting myself into a relaxed state I begin by imagining or remembering a place and time where I felt extremely centered and relaxed. For me, this is inevitably somewhere in nature. I then begin to write in as much detail describing every sensory experience associated with the image in my mind. What colors are around me? What smells? What sounds? What does the temperature feel like? What was the weather – windy, hot and humid, snowing? I spend as long as it takes to capture every detail of being in the relaxed state.
Our brains don’t discriminate between real and perceived stimuli. This is why our nervous system becomes activated when we watch a scary movie. In this exercise we are capitalizing on this process to immerse ourselves in a relaxing picture. This results in our nervous system responding as if we really were laying out on the warm windy salty shoreline of a Caribbean Island against a backdrop of crystal clear aquamarine waves, listening to the squawks of the birds, the rustling of the palms blowing in the wind and the soft crunch of steps in the white sand from people strolling by.
3. Mandala drawings. Draw or trace a circle on a piece of paper. Freely create on the paper using line, shape and color. It is okay to create within the circle or outside the circle. Sometimes, I enjoy creating symmetrical patterns. Other times, I utilize words of affirmation within the circle. Other occasions, I might draw a realistic image within the circle. I just allow my hand to begin and see what flows. There are no rules.
The origin of the mandala is from the ancient Hindu language Sanskrit and means “circle.” Mandalas are common imagery throughout human history and prevalent in multiple spiritual and religious traditions. The circle represents the completion of a cycle or a state of being whole. In nature it is a basic foundation of geometry and can found everywhere – sun, moon, earth, eggs, atoms, cells, etc… The circle is considered to be a sacred form. Creating within the circle can feel centering and offer a means of connecting within.
References
[i] Egan, S.J., Rees, C.S., Delalande, J. et al. A Review of Self-Compassion as an Active Ingredient in the Prevention and Treatment of Anxiety and Depression in Young People. Adm Policy Ment Health 49, 385–403 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10488-021-01170-2
[ii] Call, D., Miron, L., & Orcutt, H. (2014). Effectiveness of brief mindfulness techniques in reducing symptoms of anxiety and stress. Mindfulness, 5(6), 658-668.
[iii] Kaimal, G., Ray, K., & Muniz, J. (2016). Reduction of cortisol levels and participants' responses following art making. Art therapy, 33(2), 74-80.
Reina Lombardi, ATR-BC, ATCS, LMHC-QS is the owner of Florida Art Therapy Services, LLC in Fort Myers Florida, and the host of the Creative Psychotherapist Podcast.
Elizabeth Cush (LCPC) is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a women’s life coach, and business owner in Annapolis, MD where she hosts Awaken Your Wise Woman a podcast for women who want to live more fully and authentically. She loves helping women reconnect with themselves so that they can live with more purpose. Her coaching work is focused on self-compassion practices, healthy boundaries and making the care of Self a priority. She’s worked in the mental health field for over 15 years, is a certified clinical trauma professional and she incorporates mindfulness and meditation into her psychotherapy and coaching work.
Now is the season for feeling thankful and grateful, but maybe we should be practicing gratitude every day.
The post “Giving thanks can make you happier” on Harvard Medical School’s Harvard Health Publishing website, notes that, ““In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.”
That’s pretty strong evidence for taking time to be grateful—but how do we do that? And can it help us in other ways?
Start a Gratitude Journal. Take some time in your day to journal something you’re grateful for. It doesn’t matter when you do it, but try to schedule that time or mentally reserve it for journaling. If journaling isn’t your thing, use the time to think about what you’re grateful for each day.
Keep it Simple. Being grateful for small things is as effective as making bigger gestures of gratitude. When I walk, I like to remind myself to pick a few things to be grateful for, like the sun on my face or seeing a squirrel scamper up a tree.
Get creative. Artwork, singing, writing, and dance or movement can be fun ways to express gratitude.
Share Your Gratitude. The research also shows that when we share what we’re grateful for with others, the positive effects of the practice increase. So, from time to time, share what you’re grateful for with your kids, a partner, friends, family, coworkers, or even a stranger.
Notice the Sensations that Arise. Take a moment and feel in your body and mind what happens when you allow yourself to feel—inside— the joy, awe or appreciation each day. When I take a moment to pause and let the grateful feelings seep in, I feel a warmth in my chest. I can even get choked up when I allow that feeling fully into my heart.
It might feel forced at first, but when you continue to focus on gratitude each day, you’ll start to notice feeling grateful at random times, too.
I find that gratitude and mindfulness practices can complement each other. When I’m mindful of my surroundings I’m also feeling grateful for the things I’m noticing, like the sound of the wind in the tress, or the feeling of my dog’s soft ears, or the way the sun makes shadows on the walls in my home.
You can bring gratitude into your life in a way that fits you and your lifestyle, so that it becomes a natural part of how you move through the world.
If you think someone would benefit from a gratitude practice, please share this with them! Together, we can make the world a little more positive, resilient and connected.
Image from @abdullam at Unsplash.com
Elizabeth Cush (LCPC) is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a women’s life coach, and business owner in Annapolis, MD where she hosts Awaken Your Wise Woman a podcast for women who want to live more fully and authentically. She loves helping women reconnect with themselves so that they can live with more purpose. Her coaching work is focused on self-compassion practices, healthy boundaries and making the care of Self a priority. She’s worked in the mental health field for over 15 years, is a certified clinical trauma professional and she incorporates mindfulness and meditation into her psychotherapy and coaching work.
Do you journal? Journaling is the practice of writing down whatever is in your head. You can journal daily, weekly, or whenever you feel the urge. A journal can be a place to offload and explore your worries and stress. A place to navigate your inner landscape, a place to record your daily activities, your artwork, special events…You can make your journaling practice as unique as you are. I often recommend the practice to my clients as a way to relieve stress, but some have told me that it can be hard to know what to write. It doesn’t have to be that way.
I’ve had an off-and-on relationship with journaling. At times in my life I journaled every day; other times it was more sporadic or not at all. Recently, I came across a bunch of my old journals in a box in my basement. Some of them date back to middle school! That was more than 40 years ago.
There’s something comforting about knowing that my experiences are logged into notebooks that I can go back to anytime. And research shows that journaling improves our mental and physical well-being and our cognitive abilities.
I’ve come back to my journal this year. I was doing it occasionally, and when the pandemic struck, I took up nightly journaling to process my stress and anxieties before going to bed. I’ve enjoyed coming back to the daily ritual, and it calms my mind before sleep during these unsettling times.
These days you can find apps and online platforms that make journaling easier than ever.
A few weeks ago, the founder of the online journaling platform Upfinch contacted me. They were interested in collaborating, and we set up a phone call to talk about the possibilities. They shared their mission with me, and I was impressed:
If we don’t take time to consciously reflect on our lives, it will never occur. Instead of floating to the next temporary island of comfort, we should be clearly defining what we want and how to get there.
Their journaling prompts get you thinking about yourself and your goals, and they offer prompts to increase positive mental health. Within each category, their templates give you the space to describe your thoughts, stresses and worries. The prompts at Upfinch help you explore and gain a better understanding of yourself. They then take it a step further and prompt you to explore the ideas that can help you move forward.
The founders of Upfinch asked me to collaborate on the templates for anxious feelings and thoughts, and I’m honored to have my suggestions included on their platform!
I’m excited about this collaboration and happy to share that Upfinch is sponsoring the Woman Worriers podcast for the month of January. When you subscribe to the Upfinch platform, the first month is free, and they’re offering Woman Worriers podcast listeners and newsletter subscribers a 15-percent discount off their monthly subscription when you enter the coupon code “WORRIERS” at check-out!
>> You can find the guides here.
>> And sign up for your 15% discount here.
The journals are private and never accessed by humans or software.
People have shared with me that not knowing what to journal about stops them from starting. What stops you from journaling? Maybe 2021 is the year to get started or try a new way to do it.
Through journaling, let’s enter the New Year with new insights and more positive intentions!
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety contact me!
The holidays are coming! Here in the United States, Thanksgiving is right around the corner and all the other winter celebrations are soon to follow. I’ve come to love the holiday season because it means spending time with family, eating good food and enjoying social gatherings—but it wasn’t always that way.
I can remember as a child having HUGE expectations for what I felt the holiday “should be.” Most of the time life didn’t meet my expectations. Things were usually pretty good, but I wanted things to be perfect. In my fantasy, I’d get all the gifts I asked for, my siblings wouldn’t tease me, we’d bake pies and cookies and no one would get yelled at or get in trouble. We’d be the perfect family celebrating the perfect Christmas. As you might expect, I was often left feeling disappointed.
Perfectionism and having high expectations are a couple of ways we try to manage our anxiety about things we can’t control. We tell ourselves that if nothing goes wrong, then we won’t feel bad, things won’t be uncomfortable, nothing will derail the holiday spirit.
The unspoken expectations are especially hard for us and our relationships. We want others to know what we need, but we might not know how to ask. Then, when our expectations aren’t acknowledged or met, we feel hurt, unseen, underappreciated…. But how can others meet our expectations if they know nothing about them?
If we hope that the people in our lives who care about us will be able to intuit—just know—what we need, we’re giving them a lot of credit for mind reading or picking up on subtle or passive clues. Most people aren’t that attuned or gifted!
I’ve found that for holidays and celebrations to feel enjoyable and less stressful, it’s up to me to know what I want and need, and to share that with others. I’m working to be in the moment so I can experience what’s happening right now (managing my expectations) and asking for help when I need it (asking for what I need).
Take some time to listen to You. What expectations do you have? What are your hopes?
Ask yourself in the moment, are my expectations realistic? Am I sharing my expectations with others?
When you’re feeling resentful, underappreciated, frustrated or unseen, ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Maybe you need help setting the table, or shopping for your partner’s mother’s gift. Who can you ask for help?
When you’re tired, overwhelmed or stressed, ask yourself, “What can I give to Me right now?” Maybe it’s rest, or a drink of water or hot tea. Maybe it’s pausing and taking a deep breath. Maybe you need a hug. Can you find a way to give yourself what you need in this moment?
Take some time to savor the good. Can you see colorful leaves on the trees or ground? Or snow sparkling in the sunlight? Did your child or pet snuggle up next to you just as when you were about to go do more—and did that allow you to pause and connect for a moment? Or maybe you noticed you were tired and went to bed early instead of scrolling social media. Try to be present with that good feeling for a few minutes.
You may feel holiday stress, because the holidays are stressful and we’re all carrying a lot more additional stress coming into the holidays this year. Still, when we manage our expectations and we voice our needs to ourselves and others, we can reduce the stress and enjoy the moments that are happening all the time, right now.
Tired of anxiety and stress ruling your life? Are you ready to live with more ease and purpose? Start with your free Worried Woman’s Guide to Meditation here.
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