Feeling Stuck and Unfulfilled: Longing for Deeper Connection

Woman in nature by @marcospradobr for Unsplash

This blog post was originally written for my newsletter.

Midlife is a wonderful time for reflection. We’ve made it here. We’re looking back at where we came from and ahead to what’s next.

And for highly sensitive women in midlife, you’re particularly attuned to your inner life and emotional experiences. But instead of feeling freeing, midlife can be overwhelming if you’re feeling unfulfilled, out of alignment, or just burned out.

As I began my midlife journey, I wanted to feel more aligned and comfortable with myself. I knew something needed to change but each step I took never felt like enough.

I had spent my life focusing on other’s needs at the expense of my own. And I’d built a life of putting my feelings to the side—or burying them—so I didn’t even know what was missing. I just knew something was.

Maybe you’ve been there. Taking art classes, yoga classes, starting new exercise routines, trying a new religion, a new church, taking self-enrichment classes and courses, accumulating and reading self-help books.

I’ve been there.

Because nothing I did filled me up in the way I’d hoped, I thought that maybe I’d always feel this way.  That I was the problem.

I was really good at seeing all of my weaknesses.  And as I reminded myself again and again about my deficiencies, I felt the hurt deeply within me.

But I know now that I’m not broken. And I want you to know, you’re not the problem. You. Are. Not. Broken.

If the people in your life didn’t understand and support your highly sensitive traits, you learned early on to keep your needs to a minimum. Or you kept them out of sight.

But when we put our needs aside because we’re told we’re “too much,” we continue to get overwhelmed, stressed, and feel like we’re the problem.

Ironically, I’ve learned the that my search for alignment didn’t have to go any further than myself. The thing that was missing in all of this was me. A healthy, loving, caring relationship with myself.

When you take the steps toward a nurturing compassionate relationship with you and all your parts, you find the gifts that make you, you.

• You’ll begin to make choices that align with your energy and values

• You’ll create space and time for reflecting and recharging

• You’ll trust your intuition. And it will become your best ally

If you’re longing to feel more aligned and you’d like a space to process and reflect on where you’re stuck, and ways to move towards fulfillment I’d love to support you.

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Elizabeth Cush (LCPC) is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a women’s life coach, and business owner in Annapolis, MD where she hosts Awaken Your Wise Woman a podcast for women who want to live more fully and authentically. She loves helping women reconnect with themselves so that they can live with more purpose. Her coaching work is focused on self-compassion practices, healthy boundaries and making the care of Self a priority.  She’s worked in the mental health field for over 15 years, is a certified clinical trauma professional and she incorporates mindfulness and meditation into her psychotherapy and coaching work.

Expressive Arts Approaches for Managing Anxiety

Painting with water colors

Guest Post by: Reina Lombardi

Have you ever felt so tired that you couldn’t wait to get in bed only for your brain to fire up as soon as your head hit the pillow? Had your thoughts swirling around one after another about every interaction that occurred that day? What didn’t get done, what could have been done better, what needs to be done tomorrow, the calls you forgot to make, and so on and so forth. This is just one example of how anxiety has presented itself within my life. The consequence of which is often crippling fatigue due to lack of sleep and a negative impact on my level of alertness and ability to function during the day.

Creating Art with Mindful Attention

One of the tools that I have always turned to for life’s stressors is artmaking and journaling. I don’t consider myself to be particularly skillful at either; rather, I approach them as an opportunity to express and release the energy bound within. Practicing letting go of judgement about the outcome of creative practices is an exercise in self-compassion.  It is one that helps us to find value in the process of creating rather than from the end product. It forces one to learn to let go of judging and attributing value based upon one’s ability to produce something “good”.

Mindfulness activities emphasize focusing all of our sensory awareness to what we are experiencing in the present moment without judgement – we simply observe. We can do anything mindfully. Try doing a task you don’t care for while bringing full attention to all of your senses as you are doing it. This can alter our perception of the task itself. It can also help us shift from a feeling of dread to one of tolerance and maybe even appreciation. When we engage in activities mindfully and immerse ourselves in the present moment, we are unable to review incidents from the past or those we are concerned about getting right in future.  It is the construction of meaning about the past and possible outcomes of the future where anxious thinking resides. The act of creation can be a wonderful tool for developing mindfulness.

Bring in some self-compassion

Self-compassion is the act of nurturing and caring for oneself when they feel distressed, disappointed or in pain. It has been positively linked in multiple studies as an effective strategy for anxiety reduction. [i]  Mindfulness, even when brief techniques are taught, has also been effective towards reducing anxiety. [ii] We can practice both mindfulness and self-compassion when we create art. This can become a place for rehearsing these skills in order to generalize them in other areas of our lives. In addition, structured art-making itself has been found to lower levels of the stress hormone Cortisol after just 45 minutes of creating.[iii]

Three Expressive Arts Activities

1. Paint to Music. I start by finding some relaxing music. I prefer to find music sung in languages with which I am not fluent or without lyrics at all for this exercise. Meditation music is excellent for this process. I don’t want my thinking brain to get activated by the lyrics. I set out a palette of watercolor paints, heavy weight cold-pressed paper, several brushes, a cup of water and paper towels for blotting. Then I turn on the music and paint to the music. I allow the music to guide me in the selection of colors and the brush. I make marks according to the tempo and sounds of the music. As I described earlier, I do my best to focus all of my sensory awareness on the experience of doing. I find watercolor to be the best paint medium for this process, but you could also try gouache or acrylic to determine which media works best for you.

2. Sensory-focused expressive journaling. In order to maximize getting myself into a relaxed state I begin by imagining or remembering a place and time where I felt extremely centered and relaxed. For me, this is inevitably somewhere in nature. I then begin to write in as much detail describing every sensory experience associated with the image in my mind. What colors are around me? What smells? What sounds? What does the temperature feel like? What was the weather – windy, hot and humid, snowing? I spend as long as it takes to capture every detail of being in the relaxed state.

Our brains don’t discriminate between real and perceived stimuli. This is why our nervous system becomes activated when we watch a scary movie. In this exercise we are capitalizing on this process to immerse ourselves in a relaxing picture. This results in our nervous system responding as if we really were laying out on the warm windy salty shoreline of a Caribbean Island against a backdrop of crystal clear aquamarine waves, listening to the squawks of the birds, the rustling of the palms blowing in the wind and the soft crunch of steps in the white sand from people strolling by.

3. Mandala drawings. Draw or trace a circle on a piece of paper. Freely create on the paper using line, shape and color. It is okay to create within the circle or outside the circle. Sometimes, I enjoy creating symmetrical patterns. Other times, I utilize words of affirmation within the circle. Other occasions, I might draw a realistic image within the circle. I just allow my hand to begin and see what flows. There are no rules.

The origin of the mandala is from the ancient Hindu language Sanskrit and means “circle.”  Mandalas are common imagery throughout human history and prevalent in multiple spiritual and religious traditions. The circle represents the completion of a cycle or a state of being whole. In nature it is a basic foundation of geometry and can found everywhere – sun, moon, earth, eggs, atoms, cells, etc… The circle is considered to be a sacred form. Creating within the circle can feel centering and offer a means of connecting within.

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References

[i] Egan, S.J., Rees, C.S., Delalande, J. et al. A Review of Self-Compassion as an Active Ingredient in the Prevention and Treatment of Anxiety and Depression in Young People. Adm Policy Ment Health 49, 385–403 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10488-021-01170-2

[ii] Call, D., Miron, L., & Orcutt, H. (2014). Effectiveness of brief mindfulness techniques in reducing symptoms of anxiety and stress. Mindfulness, 5(6), 658-668.

[iii] Kaimal, G., Ray, K., & Muniz, J. (2016). Reduction of cortisol levels and participants' responses following art making. Art therapy, 33(2), 74-80.

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Reina Lombardi, ATR-BC, ATCS, LMHC-QS is the owner of Florida Art Therapy Services, LLC in Fort Myers Florida, and the host of the Creative Psychotherapist Podcast.

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Elizabeth Cush (LCPC) is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a women’s life coach, and business owner in Annapolis, MD where she hosts Awaken Your Wise Woman a podcast for women who want to live more fully and authentically. She loves helping women reconnect with themselves so that they can live with more purpose. Her coaching work is focused on self-compassion practices, healthy boundaries and making the care of Self a priority.  She’s worked in the mental health field for over 15 years, is a certified clinical trauma professional and she incorporates mindfulness and meditation into her psychotherapy and coaching work.

The Power of Practicing Gratitude

Now is the season for feeling thankful and grateful, but maybe we should be practicing gratitude every day.

The post “Giving thanks can make you happier” on Harvard Medical School’s Harvard Health Publishing website, notes that, ““In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.”

That’s pretty strong evidence for taking time to be grateful—but how do we do that? And can it help us in other ways?

Here are some suggestions to get you started on feeling gratitude each day:

Start a Gratitude Journal. Take some time in your day to journal something you’re grateful for.  It doesn’t matter when you do it, but try to schedule that time or mentally reserve it for journaling. If journaling isn’t your thing, use the time to think about what you’re grateful for each day.

Keep it Simple. Being grateful for small things is as effective as making bigger gestures of gratitude. When I walk, I like to remind myself to pick a few things to be grateful for, like the sun on my face or seeing a squirrel scamper up a tree.

Get creative. Artwork, singing, writing, and dance or movement can be fun ways to express gratitude. 

Share Your Gratitude. The research also shows that when we share what we’re grateful for with others, the positive effects of the practice increase. So, from time to time, share what you’re grateful for with your kids, a partner, friends, family, coworkers, or even a stranger.

Notice the Sensations that Arise. Take a moment and feel in your body and mind what happens when you allow yourself to feel—inside— the joy, awe or appreciation each day. When I take a moment to pause and let the grateful feelings seep in, I feel a warmth in my chest. I can even get choked up when I allow that feeling fully into my heart.

A gratitude practice becomes part of your life

It might feel forced at first, but when you continue to focus on gratitude each day, you’ll start to notice feeling grateful at random times, too.

I find that gratitude and mindfulness practices can complement each other. When I’m mindful of my surroundings I’m also feeling grateful for the things I’m noticing, like the sound of the wind in the tress, or the feeling of my dog’s soft ears, or the way the sun makes shadows on the walls in my home.

You can bring gratitude into your life in a way that fits you and your lifestyle, so that it becomes a natural part of how you move through the world.

If you think someone would benefit from a gratitude practice, please share this with them! Together, we can make the world a little more positive, resilient and connected.

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Image from @abdullam at Unsplash.com

Elizabeth Cush (LCPC) is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a women’s life coach, and business owner in Annapolis, MD where she hosts Awaken Your Wise Woman a podcast for women who want to live more fully and authentically. She loves helping women reconnect with themselves so that they can live with more purpose. Her coaching work is focused on self-compassion practices, healthy boundaries and making the care of Self a priority.  She’s worked in the mental health field for over 15 years, is a certified clinical trauma professional and she incorporates mindfulness and meditation into her psychotherapy and coaching work.

What's Your Body Telling You About Anxiety?

When you struggle with anxiety, sometimes you might wonder why you even get anxious in the first place. What purpose does it serve? And why does it make you feel so bad?

Over the years, while struggling to manage my own anxiety, I’ve learned that signs that I’m uncomfortable often show up before the anxiety is running full tilt. It might be a feeling of pressure in my chest. Sometimes my throat feels like it’s full of sand, or my belly feels hollow (like I have a pit in my stomach), depending on what’s making me uncomfortable and anxious.

My mindfulness practice has allowed me to be more aware of my body’s sensations in the moment when stressful things are happening (or I’m interpreting that the events are stressful). My body signals me long before I’m fully aware that the situation is overwhelming or triggering.

Where Do You Feel Anxiety?

I ask clients to tune into their physical reactions when they’re talking about something stressful or difficult. When I ask, “Where do you feel that in your body?” they can often point or place their hand right where they feel it. Or is I ask, “What physical feelings do you have when your anxiety shows up?” Some clients can identify exactly where anxiety lives in them. For others, it’s a little harder to figure out, but usually clients at least have a general sense of some internal sensations.

Many times the body signals come before the anxiety is fully recognizable. Basically your body is telling you that you’re feeling something, usually something uncomfortable. It’s alerting you, wanting your attention and letting you know it’s time to tune in, it’s time to listen, it’s time to take care of yourself.

Tune Into Your Anxiety Through Your Body

So how do we learn to tune into our body so we can hear what it wants us to know?

Start a mindfulness practice. Mindfulness helps you become more aware of yourself — your reactions, your thoughts, your feelings and what’s happening inside your body. If you haven’t already recognized the patterns, you might begin to notice that when certain thoughts or feelings enter your consciousness, your body reacts to those thoughts and feelings in particular ways.

Practice yoga, tai chi or another form of movement. They help you learn to focus on the different parts of your body.

Start a meditation practice. Body scan meditations guide you from head to toe (or toe to head), gradually moving your non-judgmental awareness from one body part to another. It helps fine-tune your focus as you practice the meditation. It also brings an awareness of how your body holds stress and how the stress might change as you bring a conscious awareness to it.

Take a moment to pause. When you’re anticipating a stressful event or encounter, take a minute to pause. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Check in with yourself and ask “Where am I feeling this in my body right now?” If tuning into your body is something new, you might need to do it a few times before you’re able to pinpoint where you feel the stress. That’s okay. Be patient and keep tuning in.

Work with a therapist. The right therapist — one who’s been trained in somatic, movement or body awareness therapies — can help you work toward a greater understanding of your body and help you learn why it reacts the way it does.

As with all new habits and skills, getting in touch with your physical reactions can take some time and practice. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself on this journey!

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger,  creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979. 

Photo by Tanja Heffner and by Caique Silva on  Unsplash

Exploring Women and Anxious Parents

It feels like Spring has been a long time in coming this year. We have a few nice days and then we return to rain and cooler temps. The weather seems to affect my mood so here’s hoping Spring is right around the corner! I’m ready to get outside and do some gardening.

Anxious Parents

Parents modeling how to manage anxiety helps kids manage their anxious feelings

This month my Good Therapy article, Does My Anxiety Affect My Kids? discusses how anxious parents’ behaviors might affect might their kids. As a young mom I knew that my anxiety was impacting my kids. I didn't know how to do things differently and I often felt guilty and blamed myself for any of their anxious behaviors.  In my article I share that there’s good news for anxious parents! Just as children can be influenced by a parent’s anxious behavior, modeling how to manage anxiety can help kids learn to cope with their own anxious feelings.

Anxious Women

I continue to explore women and anxiety in my Woman Worriers podcast. Last week I shared my thoughts on mindfulness and how it helps me manage my anxiety today.

This week on the podcast I talk with chronic illness and pain specialist Daniela Paolone, LMFT .  She shares her personal journey with me and explores how chronic illness and pain has impacted her client’s lives. I hope you’ll tune in and if you enjoy the episode please consider leaving an honest review!

You can find the Good Therapy article here and the podcast here. I hope you have a wonderful week!

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger,  host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979. 

Photo by Meghan Holmes on Unsplash

How Is Feeling Flawed Holding You Back From Being Your True Self?

Many of my clients come to me because they experience a lot of stress and anxiety and want help learning how to manage it more effectively. As therapy progresses, it becomes evident that the deeply held feelings they have about themselves create or trigger their anxiety.

Uncovering these self-perceptions often takes time because they’re usually unconscious, only showing themselves when the anxiety starts to ramp up. As we work together, those buried beliefs begin to appear.

Some of the common themes that I hear from my clients include:

The fatal flaw is just a feeling

• I am not enough.

• I will always disappoint those who care about me.

• I am unlovable.

• There’s something in me that’s broken or flawed.

• If they knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me.

• Others will never see me for who I really am.

If You Feel Flawed, You’re Not Alone

My clients are often surprised when I tell them that their experience is not unique. Many of my clients hold similar beliefs about themselves.

In fact, at times in my life I’ve struggled with feeling deeply flawed as well. I used to tell myself that there was something wrong with me. I thought it explained why I had difficulty creating meaningful connections with the people in my life.

Feeling this way can cause a lot of pain. My clients tell me they believe that feeling broken or flawed is just who they are, and that it’s unlikely to ever change. That leaves them feeling sad, lonely and different from others. Therapy helps them better understand what occurred in their life to make them feel that way, and then we work on incorporating strategies in daily life to help them connect to more deeply with their true selves.

How To Handle The Feeling Of Being Flawed

In an article that Dr. Jonice Webb shared with me for this blog, she describes this experience as The Fatal Flaw. She describes “The Fatal Flaw: A deep-seated feeling that something is wrong with you. You are missing something that other people have. You are living life on the outside, looking in. You don’t quite fit in anywhere.”

Dr. Webb shares that “The Fatal Flaw is just a feeling.” In order to manage the feeling, we have to take charge. Here are some steps you can take that can help:

Talking about your feelings can help

• Notice when The Fatal Flaw shows up.

• Name the feeling when it happens.

• Talk about it with others. (This can be the hardest part but you might find that others feel the same way.)

• Be compassionate with yourself when you feel flawed, different or damaged.

• Seek therapy to help you begin to get more in touch with all of your feelings. Listening and understanding what you’re feeling and why helps to create a deeper connection with yourself. That connection with your self can lessen and often rid you of that fatally flawed feeling.

What I’ve learned in my own work and working with my clients is that learning to name, trust and truly feel your feelings helps you to feel more connected with your Self. If you’re constantly pushing away, ignoring or avoiding your feelings and thoughts, you’re never getting in touch with you, all of you — the good and the bad, the scared and the lonely, the excited or elated, the angry and the hurt — all of your beautifully imperfect parts.

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979. 

Photo by Naqi Shahid and  Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

Uncovering the Roots of Anxiety and Stress

Therapy can be a fascinating process. Some people compare it to peeling an onion. Each layer offers new insights and understanding. Case in point — many of my clients come to me because they want to learn how to manage their stress and anxiety more effectively. As therapy progresses it becomes evident that they’re not just stressed about what’s going on in their lives today. What triggers their anxiety are deeply rooted negative thoughts and feelings they have about themselves. These thoughts often determine the stories we tell ourselves about who we are.

Some of the deeply held negative beliefs that my clients have shared in sessions include:

• I am not enough.
• I don’t matter.
• I will always disappoint those who care about me.
• I am unlovable.
•  I am flawed.
• If they knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me.
• I should not be forgiven.

My clients are often surprised to learn that their situation is not unique. I’m not saying that each individual isn’t unique, but I have many clients who hold similar beliefs about themselves, because of their past experiences.

Doing the Deeper Work

Uncovering these beliefs often takes time because they’re unconscious, barely showing themselves when your anxiety starts to ramp up. As our work together progresses, trust begins to grow, and the deeper work begins. Sharing stories and impressions of past experiences in therapy can open the door to recognizing the messages you received growing up. Often, what I call the critical inner voice (or Negative Nelly), originates from experiences we had in those early years.

Because these messages are so painful and difficult to process, they’re often pushed down below the surface and bubble up through negative self-talk. That inner critic’s message can lead to anxious or depressed feelings. Therapy helps by bringing those negative messages to light. You can determine where they stem from, what drives them, and whether they are legitimate.

When Trauma and Emotional Neglect Aren’t Resolved

If you were emotionally, sexually or physically abused in childhood and that trauma wasn’t resolved or validated, it can leave you feeling inadequate or “less than” when you’re struggling. The same can be true if you were told to buck-up, to get over it, never show to when you’re hurt. These events and messages can also lead to being disconnected from your physical and emotional experience in adulthood, which makes it hard to know how you’re feeling. This can leave you uneasy or numb.

Mindfulness and Meditation Can Help

Mindfulness and meditation can help make you more aware of your negative thoughts and allow you to be more comfortable with your difficult feelings. Finding and practicing self-compassion also plays an important role in letting go of the negative self-talk that comes so easily when we make mistakes, or we embarrass ourselves through our actions or statements. Self-compassion acknowledges that we’re human and often make mistakes and that, although we all suffer, this too will pass. It also creates a space to offer yourself some support and comfort.

Therapy Can Make a Difference

If you’re suffering from trauma-related anxiety or depression, and it feels overwhelming, therapy can help. It’s important to find a therapist you feel comfortable sharing with and opening up to. You want someone who you feel will understand, empathize and support you in your journey forward. If you struggle with anxiety or depression that might be related to past trauma, please call me at 410-340-8469 to begin the journey to healing.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose.

Photos courtesy of Joshua Earle and Ashley Batz for Unsplash.com