Our hearts are hurting and breaking every day. Weddings and funerals postponed, loved ones struggling alone at home or in a hospital. You’re feeling lonely and missing the ease of connecting with others that you took for granted.
Experiencing the Power of Self-Compassion
If you’ve read my blogs and listened to my podcast, you know that I encourage practicing self-compassion, especially if you’ve got an inner critic that shows up to make sure you’re aware of all your faults and possible missteps.
I love self-compassion work so much that last week I shared some practical self-compassion exercises in my guest blog—Using Self-Compassion to Reduce Anxiety—for Sharon Martin’s Happily Imperfect blog on Psych Central.
Beginning My Journey Toward Self-Compassion
I learned about Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion when I was just starting out as a therapist. I remember having lunch with my supervisor and she mentioned self-compassion and Dr. Neff’s work. I’d just bought a CD with her self-compassion training and was excited to better understand how to bring meditation and mindful awareness into my life, with compassion.
Since then, I joined 50 other people for a week-long training workshop with Kristen Neff and Chris Germer, diving deeper into the practice.
The work has changed my life, and that’s not an exaggeration. I know myself better, I have a better relationship with my inner critic, and I’ve learned to be kinder to myself and others.
Experiencing Unexpected Benefits
That’s the hidden gem in the self-compassion practice. The practice helps us feel more connected to ourselves and all other living beings. When we open ourselves up to the concept that we all struggle at times—because we’re human—we learn to offer kindness instead of judgment to ourselves and to others who are struggling.
The practice has helped me feel more in tune with myself. It has allowed me to build a kind, loving relationship with me. And I’ve learned to trust myself in ways I never did before. I also feel more connected to the people in my life and more empathetic and accepting of others.
Sharing the Wisdom of Self-Compasion
Because the practice has helped me feel less anxious and more comfortable in knowing myself, I’m creating a program with self-compassion at its core to help women build a more loving and open relationship with themselves. I’ll keep you up to date and share some of what the program will offer as I’m building it, so keep an eye on this space!
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety contact me!
How To Recognize Stress When You're Stuck At Home
I experience anxiety, I’m an introvert and I recognized later in life that I’m also a highly sensitive person (HSP), so it’s not surprising that I usually spend a good amount of time alone. With the current physical distancing and stay-at-home restrictions here in my home state of Maryland, the pace of my days is a little slower and I’m spending even more time at home.
I’m not a big fan of exercising in a gym with a lot of other sweaty people. Stadium music events stress me out, and shopping at a crowded mall or store isn’t my idea of fun. So, although this time of enforced quarantine is really hard, being at home is not a problem for me.
Make no mistake—I miss traveling, seeing my kids, my family and my friends and being able to go out without worrying about the virus. But I recognize that some time spent alone is actually good for my emotional state.
Stress and anxiety as background noise
Unfortunately, I’m not spending more time at home by choice. Although I’m not dying to go to the gym, I’d like to be able to go to a store without worrying about coming home contaminated. That feeling of powerlessness can add an underlying level of stress to my life.
I’ve taken up journaling each night before bed. Lately I’ve noticed a low level of anxiety that’s with me at the end of each day. It’s as if my body is saying, “There’s another day/week/weekend ahead where you have to be alert and careful. Stay on guard.”
It’s not surprising that some nights that I feel like I dream all night long and others where I toss and turn or wake up in the middle of the night. Fortunately I sleep soundly some nights, but I’m always tired when I wake, so I know my body is holding on to stress all the time.
Tips For Managing Stress In Troubling Times
If you can relate to my experience, or even if you’re feeling pretty good, you can incorporate a few things into your life to help you better manage the constant underlying stress of living in a time of crisis.
Be kind to yourself. I’ve seen people posting on social media that this as a period of increased creativity and productivity—but if you’re not feeling productive or creative right now, know that you’re not alone. Stress and anxiety make it very hard to find the mental energy and mindset for anything other than survival. So, be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you are where you are, and that you’re doing the best that you can right now.
Be kind to yourself 2.0. You might also find that you’re falling back into old roles, habits or behaviors you thought you’d changed or modified. Know that it’s not unusual for this to happen. We can easily revert back to old ways of coping with our stress because those old ways of being and doing worked in the past to help us feels better.
I’ve been comfort eating—consuming more carbs than usual—and it is comforting! You might be drinking, using other substances or eating more or less than usual. Or maybe you’re on your phone or other screen more than you’d like to be, or ignoring your kids, or playing more video games than usual to help you relax. Try being kind to yourself in this time, no matter what. We’re in a state of crisis, and adding harsh self-criticism to the mix will only make you feel worse.
Get some fresh air. Being inside might feel safer or less scary, but your body craves nature to help it balance and reset. Find a place where you can feel the ground under your feet, wiggle your toes and stand barefoot if possible, so you can really feel connected to the earth. Imagine you are rooted to the ground, like a tree. Take a few slow deep breaths and notice the air as it enters and leaves your body. Allow yourself to be here for a few minutes before moving on to whatever is next.
Set aside five minutes each day to journal. Taking pen to paper can calm your nervous system without you having to do anything else other than write or draw. Here are a few prompts to get you started:
What’s happening in my body right now? Get curious and use words or images to describe how your body feels right now.
What did I do today? It doesn’t have to be profound. Write as much or as little detail as you like.
How am I feeling right now? Tired? Anxious? Relaxed? Write how you’re feeling and try not to judge a feeling as “good” or “bad.” If you find you’re judging your feelings, journal a reminder that everyone has all the feelings all the time.
Let it flow. Write about whatever comes to mind.
Make note of three things you’re grateful for that day. They can be big things or small ones, like seeing the sun shining through the window. Research shows that gratitude practices can reduce depression and anxious feelings.
Laugh out loud. Watch a TV show, YouTube video or Instagram post that gets you laughing out loud. Laughter relieves the stress response, massages your internal organs and can stimulate your circulation and relax your muscles. So get those laughter juices flowing!
We will move through this. Taking care of yourself while we do is good for your body and mind.
Are you doing some fun, outside the box, creative things to de-stress? I’d love to hear about them and include them in a podcast episode!
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!
Setting Intentions For the New Year
The beginning of each new year feels like it brings pressure to do something big, to make changes, to be different. Vision boards, resolution lists, intention setting, manifesting… We have so many options to create change. I’m sure there are more.
For the last few years I’ve made a list of new-year intentions. I wrote down things I’d like more of in my life. Last year I also participated in a Best Year Ever class, where I mapped out what I wanted to accomplish over the course of the year. That was very helpful, but I found I tried to do all the things I’d mapped out right away! Then I forgot to go back and see what was left on the list as the year progressed.
In the past, because I’m a business owner, my goals tend to sway towards work rather than personal goals. I ended up feeling overwhelmed by all the things I added to my to-do list. Although my business is very important to me, I’ve recognized this past year that my personal goals get put aside or remain undone because I minimize their importance when I’m deciding how to spend my time and energy.
“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns...We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”
It’s important to make yourself a priority
When we put more emphasis on work, or other people’s needs and we don’t honor what we need it can lead to burn-out and us feeling frustrated, exhausted, angry and resentful. Not the best way to spend the first year of a new decade!
When you’ve lived much of your life putting other’s needs first—and that can happen at work as well as at home— it can be hard to do things differently. It definitely takes a bit more effort and a lot of positive self-talk, self-compassion and self-awareness to be mindful of and meet our own needs.
Making yourself a priority can feel selfish, mean, and very uncomfortable, but it’s important. If we’re not paying attention and attending to our needs, who else is going to do it?
It’s also easy to fall back into our old behaviors when we’re stressed. They’re called patterns for a reason! We’ve been taking care of everyone else’s needs for a long time. Change takes time.
I’d love to dedicate this year to the Self, and I hope you’ll join me. Taking care of You and making You a priority doesn’t have to be a grand gesture or enormous shift. It’s small steps, like checking in with yourself a few times a day and asking, “What do I need right now?” The answer might surprise you.
3 tips for taking care of your needs
Here are some other ideas to help you move into the new year with compassion and love for yourself:
·Make time to meditate each day.
Two to three minutes of mindful meditation every day can help you get to know yourself and your body in a deeper way.Be in nature.
Connecting with the natural world helps us feel more grounded and calm. When you’re in a more grounded place it’s easier to tune into You.Offer yourself the compassion and kindness you would give to friends.
We can change our relationship with ourselves if we can find some space for kindness.
No matter how you mark the new year, I hope you’ll take some time for you in 2020!
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself This Holiday Season
Between working, preparing for the holidays, maybe taking care of family or friends and doing the everyday things that need to get done, chances are you haven’t been doing a great job of taking care of yourself.
Sometimes we’re so used to caring for others that we’re not fully aware that we’re neglecting ourselves. How do we know we’re not taking good care of ourselves? Here are a few signs that it’s time to give yourself the gift of some self-care—and some suggestions for how to do it.
1. You’re exhausted all the time.
It’s normal to feel more tired than usual during the holidays, when we’re extra busy—but if you’re having a hard time getting out of bed or staying awake throughout the day, you might be over-stressing your system.
Our body and brain need rest to reset each day. If you’re not sleeping well, try taking some time to rest. Lying down for 10-15 minutes without doing anything—even if you don’t sleep—can help your body recharge.
2. You hate the holiday season.
For some of us, the holiday season isn’t filled with joy and laughter. Maybe your memories of past holidays weren’t great, or maybe the idea of seeing some family members leaves you feeling stressed. Whatever the reason, it’s okay not to love this time of year, but it’s all the more reason to do things that you do enjoy! Take some time to watch a movie, listen to music, prepare a good meal, travel, hang with friends or take a walk in nature. Do things that nourish you.
If you do have to spend time with people who leave you feeling less than joyful, set some limits on how much time you need to be there. Maybe have separate transportation so you can leave when you’re ready. Maybe you stay for one day instead of a whole week. Think ahead and remind yourself that setting limits can be very healthy and good for us!
3. You frequently feel resentment, anger or frustration this time of year.
If you’re the kind of person who always puts other people’s needs ahead of your own, if you’re a people pleaser or a constant caregiver, the holidays can bring up a lot of stuff! We can get overwhelmed easily and feel resentful and underappreciated. Life is busy enough without the holidays, so adding more to the to-do list can feel like a burden.
People pleasers and people who gravitate toward caregiving for others often have a hard time asking for help, taking time for themselves and saying “no.” But when there’s so much to do this time of year, the best way you can care for yourself is to set some realistic limits on your time and energy. Take some time to consider how you can support yourself. Don’t say “yes” right away. Pause and ask yourself if this next thing will over-stress you. Could family or friends help with whatever needs doing?
What’s are your clues that tell you it’s time to tune in to yourself? You can give yourself so many gifts:
Paying attention to your needs
Taking time to rest
Nourishing your body
Doing the things you love
Setting boundaries
Asking for help when possible
You also can check out more ways to manage holiday stress on episode 83 of the podcast.
Here’s hoping your holiday is filled with whatever self-care you need!
Do We Really Need A Meme To Tell Us How We Feel?
Last week I shared the meme shown above on my Woman Worriers Instagram and Facebook pages. It’s titled What I Tell Myself When I’m Discouraged. I liked it because I know how hard I can be on myself when I’m feeling down. It’s easy to forget to be kind to myself when things aren’t going well and I feel discouraged.
When I feel discouraged, the nice things I could say to myself aren’t always the first words that come to me. It’s way to easier to treat myself harshly. I tell myself things that I would never say to someone else.
While I was away on vacation, the meme I shared blew up on my Facebook page. As of today it’s been shared over 800 times. 800 times! It’s my most popular post. I was kind of excited when I saw on my notifications that a post was being shared repeatedly. I’d just dropped a blog post and was hopeful that the content was really touching my followers.
As I looked more closely, I realized that it wasn’t the blog, but the meme that was being shared over and over again.
When Imposter Syndrome Strikes
As I watched the number of “Shares” increase, I talked to my son about it. I was in awe that a meme could generate such a response. I told him how conflicted I felt in that moment about sharing the meme. I was excited that I was getting a lot of engagement about one of my posts, but I also felt like a fraud. I hadn’t created the meme myself; I’d just shared it from someone else’s feed. So, my most popular post that was shared again and again wasn’t even something that had truly come from me.
I work very hard to put together meaningful blog posts and great interviews for my podcast, and I create a lot of really good content. They might get a few shares and likes but none of my original content has ever been shared over 800 times. I realized, ironically, that I was feeling a little discouraged. A meme that I randomly re-shared had become my most popular content.
Reflecting on Social Media Responses
I’ve been home for a week since that conversation with my son. In that time, I’ve made a point to look through the shares and comments about the post. It obviously struck a chord with a wide variety of people. As I read through the comments on my original post and the shared posts, I saw how deeply the meme had touched others.
Most of the comments included the sentiment, “Thanks, I really needed this today!” In that moment I realized that no one cared about the authorship. It didn’t matter who created the meme. People shared and commented on it because the idea that we could be kind and compassionate with ourselves when we feel discouraged felt novel and it was welcomed with joy.
Why Aren’t We Kinder To Ourselves?
If we can be kind and compassionate towards others when they’re struggling, why is it so hard to say those same things to ourselves? Logically you’d think we’d be nice to ourselves. After all, we are our own constant companions. Shouldn’t we want to have a healthy healing relationship with Self?
But, in my experience we’re harder on ourselves than we would ever be with anyone else. I know I was actively questioning the value of my content when this meme started gaining popularity. Some of the things I was telling myself were not very kind.
We somehow believe that we don’t deserve kindness. We think that saying compassionate words to ourselves will somehow make us weak, or non-productive or lazy. But the harmful, shaming things we say to ourselves aren’t motivating us; they’re just making us feel bad.
Share A Little Self-Compassion
We can learn to be more self-compassionate and kinder to ourselves, even when things aren’t going our way and we feel discouraged. It takes some practice, and it isn’t always easy, especially if we had very critical caregivers.
I still have some discomfort and worry about the popularity of a post that I shared but did not create. And I’d like to give credit where credit is due! I’m also recognizing, experiencing and feeling the joy of sharing the idea that we can, and should, offer ourselves kind and compassionate words when we feel discouraged.
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
My Interview With Tamara Powell
This week I had the pleasure and honor to be interviewed by Tamara Powell about the practice and the power of self-compassion. Tamara’s amazing podcast, Sacred Psychology, uses stories and interviews to take listeners “behind the veil of psychology to a place where neuroscience and spirituality go hand in hand.”
Imposter Syndrome
Because of my podcast I interview a lot of people, and I’ve been interviewed before for other podcasts but this time I was feeling some anxiety about this interview. Imposter syndrome snuck up on me and was whispering in my ear that I wasn’t “expert enough” to talk about self-compassion.
As you know I write and talk a lot about bringing more self-compassion in to our lives. The practice has helped me be kinder to myself; it’s helped me to quiet my inner critic and reduce some of my anxiety. So the anxiety over not being “enough” gave me the opportunity to practice what I preach! I took a moment to use my self-compassion tools and I think the interview went really well!
From Tamara’s website: “We do a deep dive on self-compassion: what it looks like, what it takes, problem solving our self-talk and finding some loving truths for ourselves.” I hope you enjoy it!
You can listen to the interview here or here:
Find out More About My Journey With Self-Compassion:
Biz’s Blog- Mindful Self-Compassion: How To Be Your Own Best Friend
Woman Worriers Podcast- Elizabeth Cush on Self-Compassion
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Mindful Self-Compassion: How To Be Your Own Best Friend
I’ve been practicing mindful self-compassion for about five years and I recently gave a presentation on the topic. Being an introvert, I found it extremely hard to stand up in front of 500 people and share some of myself! I was nervous and a bit anxious, but I practiced a lot of self-compassion and I did it! You can see the video below.
Intensive Practice
The following week, I attended an intensive self-compassion retreat. Going into the retreat, I figured it would be a bit of a refresher for me. I’d been practicing for years. I write about self-compassion in my blog pretty often. I advocate for clients to adopt a self-compassion practice, explaining what it is and how to incorporate into their lives. In the women’s group that I facilitate, we talk about it a lot because women tend to be pretty hard on themselves. How much more could I learn?
You might wonder why I decided to spend a week away from home if the material wasn’t new to me. The presenters were Kristin Neff and Chris Germer— pretty big name in my world. They’ve pioneered the training, writing and research on self-compassion. When I learned that Kristin Neff would be stepping away from presenting for a while, I didn’t want to miss a chance to meet her, so I signed up for the retreat with two friends/colleagues.
The six-day intensive was designed for therapists and laypeople. It was filled with meditations, experiential activities, education, movement, laughter, tears, bonding with friends and lots of sharing with the other participants. I came away with a much wider perspective on self-compassion and how much more difficult it can be than I ever expected.
Self-compassion encourages us to be our own best friends with kindness and compassion when we’re suffering. And through the practice, we gain greater compassion for others’ suffering.
What Is Self-Compassion?
The practice of self-compassion has three main tenets, or principles—mindfulness, common humanity and self-kindness.
Mindfulness allows us to be aware of the present moment and how we treat ourselves at any given moment. Recognition of our common humanity helps us recognize that we don’t suffer alone. Everyone has struggles because we’re human, and being a human involves experiencing emotional and physical pain from time to time. Self-kindness encourages us to be gentle with ourselves when we’re struggling— to treat ourselves with the same kindness that we would offer a friend.
I learned a lot at the retreat. Some points were new and some reinforced my ongoing self-compassion practice. What I didn’t expect was how hard it was for me to feel truly compassionate towards myself at moments throughout the week. I found myself up against some pretty strong resistance.
Looking back, I get it! Mindful self-compassion can make us more aware of how often we haven’t been kind to ourselves. It also brings in to our awareness the times when others didn’t show us compassion when we were struggling.
Training Highlights
Our last day together at the intensive mindful self-compassion retreat
Although I don’t have space to give a full synopsis on the training, here are the highlights that stuck with me:
Compassion feels more deserved when I’m offering it to others than when I’m offering it to myself.
Finding the right compassionate phrases to offer yourself is incredibly important for self-compassion to feel true.
There are two types of compassion: the Yin, which offers more caretaking and comforting support, and the Yang, which is more fierce and protective support and motivated towards change. We need both comfort and protection when we’re suffering. Both together are a fierce, caring force!
Using tender, compassionate touch, such as a hand on your heart or cheek, and a soothing voice helps to reinforce and internalize the compassionate messages we offer ourselves.
Tuning in to our physical response to stress and distress helps identify where to offer ourselves soothing touch.
The number-one block for people around the idea of self-compassion is that it will undermine motivation. But the research shows that a self-compassion practice is a better motivator than self-criticism!
There can be a back-draft effect from self-compassion. As we offer ourselves love and compassion, we might become aware of the times when we weren’t received with compassion. We can meet that pain with a mindful compassion for what we didn’t get.
It’s really important to have grounding skills in place and to be aware of self-care routines that help us feel nourished so we can manage when back-draft, resistance or traumatic memories show up.
Offering ourselves loving-kindness isn’t focused on fixing the problem or trying to make us feel better but because we feel bad.
Our critical voice often stems from the need for protection and safety. It wants to keep us from making mistakes, to keep us safe from others’ judgment, and to protect us from emotional harm.
Our compassionate voice can actually create emotional safety.
When we can embrace who we are with all of our imperfections and our human suffering, we are creating space for a radical acceptance.
Difficult emotions are a part of daily life. As we practice being mindful of our emotional and physical state, we can choose how to respond to those feelings. No choice is better or worse. It just depends on where you are in that moment. We can:
Resist them
Be curious about them
Tolerate them
Allow them
Befriend them
Self-compassion takes practice. The goal is not to be perfect at compassion but to be a compassionate mess!
It’s also important to know that mindful self-compassion can trigger traumas that we might not be aware of. If you decide to practice self-compassion and it feels more distressing than helpful, take some time to ground yourself, provide self-care in ways that are meaningful to you and seek professional help with a therapist for support and to explore alternative ways to keep you grounded in your practice if needed.
You can find out more here:
Elizabeth Cush on Self-Compassion
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!
Addressing Perfectionism With Compassion
When I think about a perfectionist, I see the woman who not only looks great — the right clothes, hair, car — she also has the perfect life. Nice house, lovely partner, well-behaved kids. She’s together and she does it with ease. She might work 80 hours a week but she’s happy doing it and gets it all done.
Perfectionism can be messy
But perfectionism doesn’t always show up in obvious ways. In fact, perfectionism can even look a little messy! On this week’s Woman Worriers podcast, I spoke with Sharon Martin about her book, The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism: Evidence-Based Skills to Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism, Build Self-Esteem, and Find Balance, and she shared that sometimes perfectionism looks more like avoidance or procrastination.
Perfectionism could be stopping you from truly engaging in your life. You might struggle to send emails because you feel the need to check and re-check the wording to be sure you don’t offend or make a mistake. You put off doing work because you feel like you can’t — but should be able to — do it flawlessly. Or maybe you decide not to go to an event because you’re sure you don’t have the right outfit, the right job, or live in the right place.
Perfectionism Can Make Us Feel Less Than Perfect
Believing that our mistakes reflect poorly on us, or feeling that other people are constantly judging us, can create a lot of anxiety. We think that need to be perfect all the time and if that’s not possible it’s not worth trying.
Being a perfectionist can make you pretty hard on yourself. You might make matters worse by allowing your inner critic to comment on how you’re failing. You might call yourself lazy, stupid or worthless. You might even tell yourself that you’re going to get fired or won’t get hired because you don’t have what it takes.
If you find that you’re holding yourself back or withdrawing most of the time, you might be stuck in a perfectionism loop. That’s when you don’t feel you can do the “thing” perfectly so you put it off. Putting off the task increases your anxiety, so you continue to avoid the task. Then you start to criticize yourself and make assumptions about your abilities. That makes you feel even worse, so you avoid or distract yourself some more.
You might believe that self-criticism will keep you on your toes and stop you from making mistakes, but more often it’s just encouraging you to stop putting yourself out there. Sadly, instead of making you feel better, fixing what went wrong or helping you learn from your mistakes, negative self-talk leaves you feeling worthless, less-than and sometimes hopeless.
Soothing Our Critical Parts
Self-compassion can ease distress
Self-compassion — treating yourself as you would treat others who are struggling — can help ease the burden of trying to be perfect and reframe your perfectionist thoughts into more compassionate ones. Martin’s book has some great exercises to help you cultivate more self-compassion and help ease the discomfort around being an imperfect human. You can find the book here.
Here are four tips I encourage my clients to use to help bring more self-compassion and mindfulness into their lives when the perfectionist parts want to take charge:
Be mindful and start paying attention to your negative self-talk. When that negative voice pipes up, ask yourself, with curiosity, “What prompted that?” Try to identify what that part of you is afraid of or what you are worried about. Sometimes journaling when you’re most critical of yourself can help you identify the things in life that make you feel less-than. We call those things your triggers.
Make a note of the negative things you tell yourself and ask, “Would I say these things to a close friend?” If not, then say out loud or write down what you might tell a friend who was struggling with the same thing. Try saying those things to yourself.
Notice your triggers. As you begin to recognize when you get triggered and become more aware of your negative self-talk, pay attention to those moments. When they arise, I want you to try to say to yourself with compassion, “Wow! I just said some really mean things to myself. I would never say that to a friend. I was ready to put myself down for not being perfect, and my critical parts jumped in without my noticing! I’ll try not to be so hard on myself.”
When times are tough, remember that everyone struggles from time to time. It’s a part of the human experience. When you’re feeling overwhelmed or when that critical voice wants to berate and minimize your difficulties, try saying to yourself, “I’m struggling right now. We all struggle once in a while.” You can also place your hand on your heart and repeat these phrases: “May I be peaceful. May I be safe. May I be healthy and may I live my life with ease.”
I hope these techniques help you quiet your inner critic, ease your perfectionist urges and bring more self-compassion into your life.
For those who live in the Annapolis area, I’ll be leading mindfulness groups for women that help cultivate self-compassion. You can find out more here.
If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!
What Helps Manage Anxiety During The Holidays?
The holidays can be stressful. Even if Christmas, Chanukah, Boxing Day, Diwali or Kwanzaa is your favorite holiday, this season can add stress to your life. And stress can invite its more difficult cousin — anxiety — to the celebration.
Because anxiety often makes us feel uncomfortable, many of us avoid or fight the anxiety in an attempt to make it stop. Those strategies might work sometimes, but usually the anxiety returns with greater force and can lead to a panic attack.
Below are some strategies to help you manage the anxiety so that you can enjoy the holidays!
Remind yourself that you’re not alone. A lot of people struggle with anxiety during holiday season. Knowing that you share this experience with others can help you feel less isolated and alone.
Acknowledge your anxiety and allow to be there. Think of the anxiety as a message from your body telling you that there’s some kind of danger lurking. Your anxiety wants to keep you safe. When you ignore or avoid it, it just gets louder, because it wants you to pay attention. Practice saying, “I’m feeling very anxious right now.” Or you can greet your anxiety like an old friend: “Hello anxiety. It’s nice to see you again.” Or, “Here you are again.” Then ask it, “What is it that you want me to know?” You might not find an obvious answer right away, but as you get used to talking with your anxiety, it can make the feelings less intense.
Get curious about your anxiety. Notice where you feel the stress in your body and tune into the physical feelings. Can you breathe into that body part? Does is shift or change? Is it hot or cold? If you could assign it a color and/or shape, what would it look like?
Practice self-care. I’m not talking about facials or mani-pedis here — although they sound like great ideas, too. I’m talking basic needs like eating, hydrating, sleeping, exercising and going to the bathroom regularly. When we get stressed, anxious and overwhelmed, it’s easy to let go of or put off the moment-to-moment needs. So, take time throughout your day to pause. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Notice how easy it is to tell yourself you don’t have time to pause or to take care of your needs, and then do it anyway.
Practice mindfulness. When the anxiety gets activated, we can get stuck ruminating over past and future events. When you notice you’re stuck in your head—re-thinking, planning, worrying — slow down and bring your attention to your immediate surroundings. It doesn’t matter where you are. You can pay attention when you’re driving, walking, shopping, laying in bed or at work. Tune into your five senses:
What can you see? Colors? Shapes? Lights? Shadows?
What can you hear? Horns? Cars? Music? Voices? Wind? Rain?
What can you touch or feel? Your feet on the ground? The chair under your butt? Your hands holding your keys or a drink?
What can you smell? Food cooking? Exhaust from cars or busses? Scented candles or perfume?
What can you taste? Sweet, salty, bitter, sour?
When you allow your anxiety to serve as a reminder that you might need to take care of yourself, it can help you feel less intimidated and overwhelmed when it shows up. I’ve also recorded two podcast episodes to help you manage holiday stress using gratitude, self-compassion and mindfulness techniques.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Nine Helpful Tips For Stressful Holidays
Handling The Holidays When You Don’t Feel Like Celebrating
Holidays can overwhelm
The holidays are here in full force with all the associated decorations, music, advertisements and crowds. For some, the season is a joyful, happy time; for others it can be difficult, stressful, even painful. Lots of articles focus on how to manage holiday stress — how to fit it all in without feeling overwhelmed. This isn’t one of them. This post is for anyone who is struggling this holiday season.
Maybe your memories of holidays aren’t happy ones. Maybe you’ve lost someone, and celebrating seems impossible. Maybe you feel disconnected and lonely, or you’re living far from family and can’t get back to be with them. Maybe just the thought of spending time with family makes you anxious, depressed or stressed. Regardless of what you’re struggling with, if the holidays don’t seem like a time to celebrate, the constant seasonal reminders can make you feel pretty terrible. Below are nine tips to help you manage your anxiety or depression through the holiday season.
9 Tips For Holiday Stress
Take care of yourself. When we feel down or anxious, self-care is usually the first thing we drop. Taking care of yourself can be as easy as taking a bath, a walk or a drink of water. Whatever you do, it’s important to be kind to yourself when you’re struggling. If you need tips for practicing self-compassion, you can find some here.
Manage expectations. Whether you’re spending time with family or friends, or you’re alone for the holidays, it can be helpful to manage your expectations. If your family or your friends are dysfunctional, combative, unsupportive or hard to be around, don’t expect them to be different or the holidays to be amazing. If you have friends who don’t connect unless you reach out first, don’t expect them to reach out just because you’re feeling down. Knowing that the holidays won’t provide a happy elixir to make all your troubles disappear can help you let go of the media’s portrayal of what the holidays “should” be.
Create things to do. Whether you’re with family and friends or alone, having things to do can give you a sense of purpose and offer a distraction from holiday “stuff.” Planning a long walk, going to the movies, volunteering or traveling can provide some relief from holiday overload.
Limit your exposure. Take your own car or have a separate mode of transportation, so you escape from a holiday celebration early if needed. Knowing you’re in control of when you leave can be very liberating.
Find support. Reach out to those in your life who provide positive support if you’re feeling depressed and anxious. Connecting with others can be hard to do if you’re struggling, but it can provide a sense of belonging and meaning.
Take time to be mindful. When we’re anxious, it’s often because we’re thinking about past or future events that make us uncomfortable. If you find that you’re rehashing the argument you had during last year’s holidays or worrying about what might happen this year, take a moment to pay attention to where you are. What do you see, smell or hear? What can you touch or taste? Being present in the moment can help get you out of your head and can ground and calm you.
Feel what you feel. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. If you’re mourning a loss, feeling lonely, sad, angry, whatever… try not to push those uncomfortable feelings away. Instead, sit quietly for a moment and try to get in touch with them. Acknowledge and allow the pain, sorrow, loss or anger, and offer yourself, as you would a good friend, some compassion and kindness in this difficult time.
Pause. Things can get very busy around the holidays. Taking time to slow down, pause and reflect on your environment and your needs can be very nourishing. A great place to do this is in the bathroom. Take a moment to breathe deeply, look at yourself in the mirror, smile and take another deep breath.
Get a good night’s sleep. Your body and mind need sleep to reset. If you’re burning the candle at both ends you probably go to bed stressed and wake up stressed. Make your bedtime routine a priority and try to get seven to eight hours of sleep every night. Your body and brain will thank you! You can find out more about sleep and stress here.
If you feel that managing the holidays seems too hard to do alone, counseling can help. Therapy can give you support, connection and a non-judgmental space to talk about what’s happening for you.
If you’d like help this holiday and aren’t sure if counseling is right for you, email or call (410) 339-1979 to set up a 15-minute free consultation.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Photo by Johannes Hofmann on Unsplash
Maybe It's Time For A Little Self-Compassion
*This blog was originally published in the Severna Park Voice.
Everyone makes mistakes, but some of us continue to think about what we could have done better after the event. We beat ourselves up about small things. If you find that you are your own worst critic—harder on yourself than others—maybe it’s time to show a little self-compassion.
What Is Self-Compassion And Why Is It So Hard?
We seem to be able to offer others, even strangers, compassion when times are tough. Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves when we are struggling? Some people think, “If I’m not hard on myself, I will never get things done.” Others might say, “Self-compassion is self-indulgence, or selfishness.”
Many people think self-compassion means we give ourselves a pass for everything we do. That’s not it. Self-compassion means that we offer ourselves the same message of comfort and understanding that we might offer a friend who was going through the same thing.
Dr. Kristin Neff has done a lot of research and writing about self-compassion. She identified that self-compassion has three components: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. You can read more about her findings here.
The Argument For Self-Compassion
I’d argue that if we don’t take care of our own emotional well-being, we’ll have a hard time helping others when things get tough. If we are struggling emotionally, frustrated with ourselves, or constantly self-critical, it is very hard to give balanced support to someone else.
When we're overly critical of ourselves it can also increase our anxiety. Imagine a friend that always pointed out your faults, and told you you weren't enough, or worse that you were a failure. Imagine that friend was with you 24/7, constantly reminding you of things you could have done better, and that this was for your own good.
It might stress you out, or you might try to ignore them, or push them away but the bad feelings about yourself remain, because maybe a small part of you begins to believe what the constant criticism and that can make you feel very anxious.
Self-Kindness
Self-kindness means that if we are feeling fearful, or sad, or we are questioning our behavior, we offer ourselves words of kindness, instead of criticism. When we imagine what we might say to a good friend who was suffering and then offer those same words to ourselves, we can acknowledge our discomfort and recognize that no one is perfect. This can help challenge our inner-critic, which can cause us to feel bad about ourselves, create anxiety, and keep us from taking chances or trying out new things.
Common Humanity
When times are tough—maybe you’re feeling anxious, depressed, or just having a bad day—if you can remind yourself that everyone has bad days, that everyone struggles, it can ease the intensity in that moment. When we ease the intensity, we can reduce the feelings of anxiety and depression.
Mindfulness
“Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them”
When rethinking a mistake, we can get stuck in the “what ifs,” or if onlys.” Learning to come back to the present moment, through mindful breathing and grounding techniques, we begin to understand that thoughts, feelings and behaviors all come and go. Instead of the constant worry about the past or future, we become accustomed to allowing what is. This can help reduce negative thinking, ruminating, self-blame and shame, because we learn not to over-identify with our feelings or thoughts.
How To Move Forward With Self-Compassion
Through self-compassion practice, we can begin to accept our imperfections, and to feel more connected with those around us, because we are all human, and humans struggle from time-to-time. We learn to accept the ups and downs in life as a part of our experience, instead of a reflection of who we are.
If you want to bring more self-compassion into your daily life I host mindfulness each Spring and Fall. You can find out about the groups here.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Photo by gabrielle cole & Philipe Cavalcante on Unsplash
Perfectionism and Anxiety
Striving For Perfection And Anxiety
Being perfect, never making mistakes or failing, would relieve a lot of stress! You could enter every task or challenge with the knowledge that you would succeed every time. How amazing would it be to be able to let go of all those insecurities, worries and anxieties when new, difficult life events happen? You could live your life with ease.
Unfortunately, if everyone were perfect, life would be pretty boring. We would’t learn or grow, because we’d already know how to do everything. As cliché as it sounds, imperfections make us human and make life more interesting.
Imperfections Can Create Anxieties #youareyourownworstenemy
When we believe that our mistakes reflect poorly on us, and when we feel that other people are constantly judging us for those mistakes or difficulties, it can create a lot of anxiety. You are your own worst enemy, because the perception that we need to be perfect all the time or people will criticize us often sets off a firestorm of critical self-talk:
I’m so stupid!
I can’t believe I just made a mistake!
What is wrong with me? I can’t get this right!
Now everyone will know I don’t know what I’m doing!
I shouldn’t have even tried!
I’ll never do that again!
I’m an idiot!
I’m pretty sure that you’d never say to others the hurtful things you say to yourself. But when we feel vulnerable, the parts of us that want to protect us and keep us safe from harm jump in and start yelling. They criticize. They ridicule. Those parts of you believe that if they can get your attention, they’ll save you from making another mistake in the future.
Those self-protective parts think that the self-criticism will keep you on your toes for next time, but they can also encourage you to stop putting yourself out there, to stop you before you make the next mistake. Sadly, instead of making you feel better, fixing what went wrong or helping you learn from your mistakes, the negative self-talk leaves you feeling worthless, less-than and sometimes hopeless.
Soothing Our Critical Parts
So how do we break the cycle of beating ourselves up when we make mistakes? We do it through the practice of self-compassion.
If we can hold ourselves with the same compassion that we show to others, it can reduce stress and anxiety. When we allow ourselves to be imperfect, to embrace our imperfections, we’re able to approach life with more openness and ease.
Here are four steps to help bring more self-compassion into your life:
1. Start paying attention to your negative self-talk. When that negative voice pipes up, ask yourself, with curiosity, what prompted it? Try to identify what that part of you is afraid of or what you are worried about. Sometimes journaling when you’re most critical of yourself can help you identify the things in life that make you feel less-than. We call those things your triggers.
2. Make a note of the negative things you tell yourself and ask, “Would I say these things to a close friend?” If not, then say out loud or write down what you might tell a friend who was struggling with the same thing.
3. As you begin to recognize when you get triggered, and you become more aware of your negative self-talk, pay attention to those moments. When they arise, I want you to try to say to yourself with compassion, “Wow! I just said some really mean things to myself. I was ready to put myself down for not being perfect, and my critical parts jumped in without my noticing! I can be so hard on myself.”
4. Now, bring to mind the things you’d say to a close friend who was struggling and try to say them to yourself. If you’ve been hard on yourself for a long time, this takes a lot of practice. You might start by imagining what your good friend might say to you if they knew you were having a hard time.
When times are tough, it can help to remember that everyone struggles from time to time. It’s a part of the human experience. When you’re feeling overwhelmed or when that critical voice wants to berate and minimize your difficulties, try saying to yourself, “I’m struggling right now. We all struggle once in a while.” You can also place your hand on your heart and recite these phrases: “May I be peaceful. May I be safe. May I be healthy and may I live my life with ease.”
I hope these steps help you quiet your inner critic and bring more self-compassion into your life.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Photo by SHINE TANG & by Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash
How To Make Self-Compassion A Part Of The New Year
Self-compassion can help counter self-criticism
In my Progression Counseling New Year blog I wrote about creating intentions, instead of resolutions this year. And the practice of self-compassion is one intention that’s really helped me manage my anxiety over the last few years.
In my January blog post for Good Therapy, This Year, Resolve To Be Kinder To Yourself, I review the benefits and myths of self-compassion and I give some guidance on how to start a self-compassion practice.
Ask yourself, “Do you extend yourself the same kindness and compassion you would offer a friend? Why not?” You can find out here how self-compassion can help you to counter self-criticism
Here’s the direct link to the article: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/this-year-resolve-to-be-kinder-to-yourself-0105184
If you’d like to bring more mindfulness and self-compassion into your daily life please contact me. I offer group and individual therapy in Annapolis, MD.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Photo by Aki Tolentino on Unsplash
Using Mindfulness This Holiday Season
Be mindful of your needs this holiday!
In my recent post for Good Therapy, ’Tis the Season to Be Mindful: Manage the Holidays with Less Stress, I share some mindfulness tips to help you if you're struggling with holiday stress.
"If we listen to and tend to what we need, if we take care of our gardens first, we’re better able to help others with theirs because we’re healthy enough and strong enough to do it."
On another note...
This will be my last post for 2017. I’ve been consistently blogging for over two years and I’ve decided to take a break from posting between now and January. I often urge my clients to take care of themselves and taking a break from blogging is a good way for me to care of myself over the next few weeks. I will continue to write and I will post some of my older blogs on my Facebook page. You can also find them all here!
I hope you have a wonderful, safe holiday season. Please take care of yourself, be mindful of what you need and take a moment to pause when you’re feeling stressed. I’ll see you in the New Year!
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Photo by Kira auf der Heide on Unsplash
Staying Mindful Through The Holidays
Struggling With Holiday Stress
Struggling with holiday stress
Do the holidays totally stress you out? It’s hard to get away from all the TV and radio ads, social media and the decorations and music in the retail stores. I enjoy the season, but sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough — I’m behind in preparation, and if I could just be better organized, maybe that would ease my stress. In my home we celebrate Christmas, and the constant reminders of how many shopping days are left leave me feeling anxious and overwhelmed at times. But, even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, the hype and pomp surrounding it can make you feel stressed out!
Mindfulness Can Help
Here are a few tips that will allow you to be present in the moment, instead of being caught up in the worry, planning and thinking that seem to be an integral part of this time of year.
Practice mindful awareness.
Practice mindful awareness
The sights, sounds, smells, tastes and sensations of the season and the holidays can be soothing. I know that frantic shoppers or Christmas music blaring in your ear might not seem very calming, but if you take a deep breath and pay full attention to your senses, you might notice the different colors you see as you shop, or you might notice the smell of a fire burning as you walk outside, or maybe you can tune into the taste of a really good orange, or another delicious food.
When you can get out of your head and take the time to really notice what’s around you, it allows your body to relax. You might find something small to appreciate in all of the craziness.
Manage your negative self-talk and be OK with making some mistakes.
Letting perfectionism go can be liberating; we also need to be kind to ourselves. When you forget to order something or forget to be somewhere you were supposed to be, know that you are not alone. Thousands of us out there are forgetting things, too. Instead of beating yourself up, offer yourself some words of comfort and allow that you’re human. It goes like this, “Wow, I’m being really hard on myself for _____. I probably could have done that better, but it’s OK. I made a mistake, but we all do, and it’s OK.”
Practice feeling gratitude.
Practice feeling gratitude
Feeling gratitude can improve your mood and your outlook if you practice daily. An easy way to bring more gratitude and thankfulness into your life is to write down one thing you’re grateful for each day. You can write in a journal, in the notes of your phone, or just make a mental note to yourself when you find something to be grateful for.
If you struggle with finding something to be grateful for, you can say, “I am grateful for this moment right now.” Or, “I’m grateful for this chair I’m sitting in, or the ground I’m standing on.”
To give your gratitude practice an extra punch, you can share whatever you’re grateful for with someone else. Saying it out loud and sharing it reinforces the positive feelings within you and creates connection with others. Two amazing benefits!
If you’d like to bring more mindful awareness into your life after the holidays, groups are forming now for January 2018. You can find out more here or you can call me at 410-339-1979.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Photo by Heidi Sandstrom., Clem Onojeghuo and Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
With Anxious Feelings, Knowledge Is Power
Leaning Into Your Anxiety
In my blog, How Leaning Into Your Anxiety Can Help You Manage It, for Good Therapy this month I discuss how to manage your anxiety, even when you’re not sure why you got anxious in the first place.
When it comes to anxious feelings, knowledge is power. Here's how being curious and compassionate about your anxiety can help you lessen its grip on your life. You can find the article here. I hope you enjoy it and find it helpful!
I’ll be offering mindfulness groups in January 2018 to help manage anxiety. If you’re interested please reach out! 410-339-1979.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.
Photo by joyce huis on Unsplash
What Is A Mindfulness Practice?
Meditation is one part of a daily mindfulness practice
Meditation and mindful awareness are two components of a mindfulness practice. Both are equally important. Meditation helps you learn how to focus your mind, which in turn helps you focus your attention on the world around you in the moment. Mindful awareness, or focusing your attention on the present moment, can be as simple as paying attention to an activity you do mindlessly everyday, like brushing your teeth.
Because we’re so used to just doing, without thinking, each part of a mindfulness practice really does take practice. We’re so used to going about our day with our mind running in a million different directions that bringing it back to the here and now can seem difficult. For some it can be frustrating, because it doesn’t always come easily.
What Is Meditation?
Learning to focus your attention is where daily meditation can help. Meditation is sitting quietly and focusing on an anchor. An anchor can be your breath, a mantra or something else you choose to bring your attention back to each time it wanders. And it will wander, because we’re human and we’re wired to be thinking, planning and worrying beings. Each time you bring your attention back to your anchor, you’re being mindful! It’s that easy — or not!
A key component of meditation is being compassionate and non-judgmental with yourself. Some days it might come easily; other days, when you’ve got a lot on your min or you’re easily distracted, it can be harder. What’s important is to enter into the meditation with the intention of being mindfully centered and try not to give yourself a hard time if it feels difficult. You can even say to yourself, “My intention was to meditate mindfully for 10 minutes today. It was very hard for me because my mind was all over the place. My intention is to try it again tomorrow.”
Mindful Meditation: Getting Started
Meditation can be guided or you can guide yourself. I think that when you begin a mindful meditation practice, it’s much easier to have some gentle guidance. A bunch of apps for you phone, websites with free meditations and YouTube videos are available to help you get started. I’ve listed a few resources at the bottom of this post.
Make meditation a part of your daily routine
When talking with my clients, I suggest picking a time of day when you won’t be disturbed and finding a place where you can sit quietly. I like to meditate in the morning when I’m at home by myself, or when I’m between clients in my office. To start, try meditating once a day for 3–5 minutes. It’s important to do it everyday, but if you forget, be compassionate with yourself and do it tomorrow.
Once you’ve established a routine, begin increasing the amount of time that you meditate. Ideally doing it for at least 10 minutes a day is a good goal. You’ll probably begin to notice that your thoughts automatically come and go, and it gets easier to come back to your anchor and to be less reactive about the thoughts that do pop up. That’s because you’re learning to let your thoughts pass through, instead of latching on to them.
My Experience
I find that when I take the time to meditate before I start my day, I can approach the day with greater sense of ease and intention. Do I still get stressed out? Of course! But I know that the stress will pass too, much like my thoughts. Meditation allows me to feel stress, but I don’t have to be stressed. If I don’t overly identify with the feeling, then I can acknowledge its presence without it pulling me under.
Do you meditate, or have your tried it? I’d love to know your experience in the comments. If you don’t meditate but would like to start and think having a group to support you would be helpful, I have an eight-week group, beginning later this month, where we will practice meditation and mindful awareness together. You can find out more here.
In my next post, I’ll talk about mindful awareness and how to bring more of it into your life.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-340-8469.
You can also find me on Twitter, Facebook and Linked In
Photo by Natalia Figueredo and by Ben Blennerhassett on Unsplash
The Journey Of Self-Awareness
The journey of self-awareness continues
The journey of self-awareness, self-compassion and acceptance has been a focus for me over the last few years. Recently I was giving myself a very hard time because I wasn’t truly “there” yet. I have moments, days, sometimes weeks where I feel like I’m on autopilot and not really in touch with how I’m feelings or being. These reflections left me feeling as if I’d fallen backward, that I'd never move forward or be evolved enough where I felt that I’d reached my goal.
I shared these thoughts with my therapist, who assured me that evolving is just that, an evolution. And evolutions don’t get to a place and stop. Stephen Jay Gould, paleontologist and popular science author, wrote, “Evolution is a process of continuous branching and diversification from common trunks.” So maybe self-discovery doesn’t have an end point..
But I still wasn’t convinced. I was holding onto this belief that my backward motion in this journey meant that something inside me would keep me from reaching my goal of true self-knowledge.
Later, I was watching a video from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Big Magic and Eat, Pray, Love. She shared that she’s also ruminated on the idea that there should be some end point where we have it all figured out, that we’ve reached the pinnacle and we show up as our true selves everyday, every moment of our lives. She laughed about that idea and shared that’s she’s realized through guidance and her own search that the steps backward are just as meaningful as the steps forward.
Evolving is a part of the journey
That really resonated with me. How can we know where we want to be and the changes we want to make without being in the place where we desire change? Evolving is a part of the journey, and as we evolve we discover news ways to evolve even further.
Mindfulness And Connecting With Yourself
My journey of self-awareness has depended a lot on my practice of mindfulness. If I’m present with what’s happening internally and externally, in the moment and without judgment, it helps me feel more connected to myself. In turn, that helps me to understand myself better and to offer self-compassion when I’m being hard on myself.
When I’m being mindful, I’m able to pause, breathe deeply and be present, and that helps me identify how I’m feeling and respond with intention. It gives me a way to ground myself when things are stressful and that helps me manage my anxiety.
If you’d like to learn how to use mindfulness to reduce stress and to start a mindfulness practice, I have groups starting in October.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-340-8469.
Photo by Mar Newhall andJustin Luebke on Unsplash
Embracing Your Imperfections Guest Blog
Instead of walking the tightrope of "being perfect" try being self-compassionate instead
I’m excited to share my guest post for Sharon Martin’s blog, Happily Imperfect, on Pysch Central!
Striving for perfection can increase anxiety because it’s an impossible task.
Being mindful of our internal response when we make mistakes and bringing more self-compassion into our lives when we’re imperfect, can reduce our stress and anxiety!
Check out the blog post, Embracing Your Imperfections Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety. And if you would like to be learn how to be more mindful and self-compassionate you can check out my mindfulness group beginning in October. There are a few spots left and early enrollment discounts are available.
Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose.
Photo by Leio McLaren on Unsplash
