Do We Really Need A Meme To Tell Us How We Feel?

Last week I shared the meme shown above on my Woman Worriers Instagram and Facebook pages. It’s titled What I Tell Myself When I’m Discouraged. I liked it because I know how hard I can be on myself when I’m feeling down. It’s easy to forget to be kind to myself when things aren’t going well and I feel discouraged.  

When I feel discouraged, the nice things I could say to myself aren’t always the first words that come to me. It’s way to easier to treat myself harshly. I tell myself things that I would never say to someone else.

While I was away on vacation, the meme I shared blew up on my Facebook page. As of today it’s been shared over 800 times. 800 times! It’s my most popular post. I was kind of excited when I saw on my notifications that a post was being shared repeatedly. I’d just dropped a blog post and was hopeful that the content was really touching my followers.

As I looked more closely, I realized that it wasn’t the blog, but the meme that was being shared over and over again.

When Imposter Syndrome Strikes

As I watched the number of “Shares” increase, I talked to my son about it. I was in awe that a meme could generate such a response. I told him how conflicted I felt in that moment about sharing the meme. I was excited that I was getting a lot of engagement about one of my posts, but I also felt like a fraud. I hadn’t created the meme myself; I’d just shared it from someone else’s feed. So, my most popular post that was shared again and again wasn’t even something that had truly come from me.

I work very hard to put together meaningful blog posts and great interviews for my podcast, and I create a lot of really good content. They might get a few shares and likes but none of my original content has ever been shared over 800 times. I realized, ironically, that I was feeling a little discouraged. A meme that I randomly re-shared had become my most popular content.

Reflecting on Social Media Responses

I’ve been home for a week since that conversation with my son. In that time, I’ve made a point to look through the shares and comments about the post. It obviously struck a chord with a wide variety of people. As I read through the comments on my original post and the shared posts, I saw how deeply the meme had touched others.

Most of the comments included the sentiment, “Thanks, I really needed this today!” In that moment I realized that no one cared about the authorship. It didn’t matter who created the meme. People shared and commented on it because the idea that we could be kind and compassionate with ourselves when we feel discouraged felt novel and it was welcomed with joy.

Why Aren’t We Kinder To Ourselves?

If we can be kind and compassionate towards others when they’re struggling, why is it so hard to say those same things to ourselves? Logically you’d think we’d be nice to ourselves. After all, we are our own constant companions. Shouldn’t we want to have a healthy healing relationship with Self?

But, in my experience we’re harder on ourselves than we would ever be with anyone else.  I know I was actively questioning the value of my content when this meme started gaining popularity. Some of the things I was telling myself were not very kind.

We somehow believe that we don’t deserve kindness. We think that saying compassionate words to ourselves will somehow make us weak, or non-productive or lazy. But the harmful, shaming things we say to ourselves aren’t motivating us; they’re just making us feel bad.

Share A Little Self-Compassion

We can learn to be more self-compassionate and kinder to ourselves, even when things aren’t going our way and we feel discouraged. It takes some practice, and it isn’t always easy, especially if we had very critical caregivers.

I still have some discomfort and worry about the popularity of a post that I shared but did not create. And I’d like to give credit where credit is due! I’m also recognizing, experiencing and feeling the joy of sharing the idea that we can, and should, offer ourselves kind and compassionate words when we feel discouraged.

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If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.

Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger,  creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.

Why We Need To Talk About Domestic Violence

We don’t talk about domestic violence (DV) much, although people are abused more often than you might think. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in the United States alone more than 10 million people each year experience intimate partner violence. That’s 20 people per minute each day. Nearly half of all women and men in the United States have experienced extreme psychological aggression by an intimate partner at some point in their life. And according to the Global Study on Homicide, in 2012 an intimate partner or family member killed half of the women who were murdered worldwide.

Sadly, we don’t hold domestic violence to the same standards as other forms of violence. In fact, the media rarely names intimate partner violence when reporting on it. When you pick up a newspaper or watch the news on television about an abuser killing their partner, it’s called homicide, murder or labeled a murder-suicide. The reporters rarely talk about the ongoing abuse and intimidation. In most cases of domestic homicide, there’s a long history of violence leading up to the killing. Media stories rarely discuss that.

We don’t want to hear about domestic violence

For a recent episode of the Woman Worriers podcast, I spoke with Rachel Louise Snyder about her book No Visible Bruises: What we don’t know about domestic violence is killing us. In a subsequent episode, I shared my own story of being in an emotionally abusive relationship. What struck me while I was preparing for and recording those two shows is that people shy away from talking about or wanting to hear about domestic violence.

When I shared with colleagues and friends how excited I was about getting an interview with a nationally and internationally recognized journalist, they were very excited—until I told them the topic of the podcast was domestic violence. And the numbers prove my point. The downloads for my shows on DV are lower than any others.

When one in three women and one in four men are being injured by their partners, you’d think we’d have a lot more interest and motivation in learning about stopping or preventing the problem.

Why we’re silent—and what we say instead

There are many reasons for not talking about DV if you’re you’re in an abusive relationship. Not talking about it keeps you safer.  But why as a society aren’t we saying, “This is a problem that needs addressing”? Why do we shy away from naming it when it’s happening all around us?

I sat long and hard considering these questions, because I’m a survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship and I rarely talk about it. I find that at times I still feel ashamed to talk about a relationship that happened over 30 years ago! The shame can’t all be in my head. The shame also comes from the messages received from family, friends and our culture’s views of domestic abuse.

“It’s not our business.” “It’s a relationship issue.” “It’s a private matter.” “If she wanted to leave, she would.” Unfortunately all of these statements paint the victim as the problem or they ignore the fact that there is a victim.

Understanding why people stay in abusive relationships

When I was struggling in the emotionally abusive relationship in college, I could see the disappointment in others’ eyes that I was still in it. I could feel their judgment around me not leaving. I felt the shame of that judgment and my own confusion about why I would stay when he was so terrible to me.

But I’ve learned from personal and professional experience that emotional and physical abuse usually happens over a long period of time. It slowly diminishes your feelings of self-worth, your confidence and your mental health. You’re vulnerable and abusers often leave you feeling alone and isolated. They make you believe that no one would love you like they do.

And you do feel loved, but those moments come farther apart and less often. They’re paired with gaslighting— the art of making you feel crazy and questioning reality— so you’re left off balance and you can no longer trust yourself or others.

Being in an emotionally and physically violent relationship can impact your mental and physical health, leading to medical bills, lost wages, lost jobs and long-term mental health struggles. The economic impact alone is concern enough for us to be doing more to prevent domestic violence.  According to the Women’s Institute for Women’s Policy Research the healthcare costs for women who experienced abuse were 42% higher than for women who were not abused. The overall costs to society in the U.S.—including healthcare and productivity losses—was estimated at 9.3 billion dollars.

Let’s start the conversation

It’s time to get domestic violence out of the darkness and into the light. The #MeToo movement went a long way toward helping victims and survivors of sexual assault feel heard and for our society to say sexual assault isn’t OK. So let’s start talking about domestic violence.

If we were to champion a movement for DV survivors, what would we call it? #MeToo2? #DVSurvivor #NoMore? #StopTheViolence? #LetsTalkAboutDV? #SupportVictims? I’d love to hear your suggestions!

If you’re struggling with how to support someone you love and care about who might be in an abusive relationship, one of the most helpful things you can do is to let the person know that you’re there for them, no matter what. If you’re concerned about their safety, let them know you care and you’re worried. You can offer to look at DV support and informational websites, including sites that offer a danger assessment.

Offering advice or suggestions about what you think they should or shouldn’t do can leave victims feeling ashamed and less willing to talk the next time they need help. Non-judgmental listening and letting them know you’re there for them if they need or want help can go a long way in supporting those who are struggling.

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If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.

Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger,  creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.

Mindful Self-Compassion: How To Be Your Own Best Friend

I’ve been practicing mindful self-compassion for about five years and I recently gave a presentation on the topic.  Being an introvert, I found it extremely hard to stand up in front of 500 people and share some of myself! I was nervous and a bit anxious, but I practiced a lot of self-compassion and I did it! You can see the video below.

Intensive Practice

The following week, I attended an intensive self-compassion retreat. Going into the retreat, I figured it would be a bit of a refresher for me. I’d been practicing for years. I write about self-compassion in my blog pretty often. I advocate for clients to adopt a self-compassion practice, explaining what it is and how to incorporate into their lives. In the women’s group that I facilitate, we talk about it a lot because women tend to be pretty hard on themselves. How much more could I learn?

You might wonder why I decided to spend a week away from home if the material wasn’t new to me. The presenters were Kristin Neff and Chris Germer— pretty big name in my world. They’ve pioneered the training, writing and research on self-compassion. When I learned that Kristin Neff would be stepping away from presenting for a while, I didn’t want to miss a chance to meet her, so I signed up for the retreat with two friends/colleagues.

The six-day intensive was designed for therapists and laypeople. It was filled with meditations, experiential activities, education, movement, laughter, tears, bonding with friends and lots of sharing with the other participants. I came away with a much wider perspective on self-compassion and how much more difficult it can be than I ever expected.

Self-compassion encourages us to be our own best friends with kindness and compassion when we’re suffering. And through the practice, we gain greater compassion for others’ suffering.

What Is Self-Compassion?

The practice of self-compassion has three main tenets, or principles—mindfulness, common humanity and self-kindness.

Mindfulness allows us to be aware of the present moment and how we treat ourselves at any given moment. Recognition of our common humanity helps us recognize that we don’t suffer alone. Everyone has struggles because we’re human, and being a human involves experiencing emotional and physical pain from time to time. Self-kindness encourages us to be gentle with ourselves when we’re struggling— to treat ourselves with the same kindness that we would offer a friend.

I learned a lot at the retreat. Some points were new and some reinforced my ongoing self-compassion practice. What I didn’t expect was how hard it was for me to feel truly compassionate towards myself at moments throughout the week.  I found myself up against some pretty strong resistance.

Looking back, I get it! Mindful self-compassion can make us more aware of how often we haven’t been kind to ourselves. It also brings in to our awareness the times when others didn’t show us compassion when we were struggling.  

Training Highlights

Our last day together at the intensive mindful self-compassion retreat

Although I don’t have space to give a full synopsis on the training, here are the highlights that stuck with me:

• Compassion feels more deserved when I’m offering it to others than when I’m offering it to myself.

• Finding the right compassionate phrases to offer yourself is incredibly important for self-compassion to feel true.

• There are two types of compassion: the Yin, which offers more caretaking and comforting support, and the Yang, which is more fierce and protective support and motivated towards change. We need both comfort and protection when we’re suffering. Both together are a fierce, caring force!

• Using tender, compassionate touch, such as a hand on your heart or cheek, and a soothing voice helps to reinforce and internalize the compassionate messages we offer ourselves.

• Tuning in to our physical response to stress and distress helps identify where to offer ourselves soothing touch.

• The number-one block for people around the idea of self-compassion is that it will undermine motivation. But the research shows that a self-compassion practice is a better motivator than self-criticism!

• There can be a back-draft effect from self-compassion. As we offer ourselves love and compassion, we might become aware of the times when we weren’t received with compassion. We can meet that pain with a mindful compassion for what we didn’t get.

• It’s really important to have grounding skills in place and to be aware of self-care routines that help us feel nourished so we can manage when back-draft, resistance or traumatic memories show up.

• Offering ourselves loving-kindness isn’t focused on fixing the problem or trying to make us feel better but because we feel bad.

• Our critical voice often stems from the need for protection and safety. It wants to keep us from making mistakes, to keep us safe from others’ judgment, and to protect us from emotional harm.

• Our compassionate voice can actually create emotional safety.

• When we can embrace who we are with all of our imperfections and our human suffering, we are creating space for a radical acceptance.

• Difficult emotions are a part of daily life. As we practice being mindful of our emotional and physical state, we can choose how to respond to those feelings. No choice is better or worse. It just depends on where you are in that moment. We can:

  • Resist them

  • Be curious about them

  • Tolerate them

  • Allow them

  • Befriend them

• Self-compassion takes practice. The goal is not to be perfect at compassion but to be a compassionate mess!

It’s also important to know that mindful self-compassion can trigger traumas that we might not be aware of. If you decide to practice self-compassion and it feels more distressing than helpful, take some time to ground yourself, provide self-care in ways that are meaningful to you and seek professional help with a therapist for support and to explore alternative ways to keep you grounded in your practice if needed.

You can find out more here:

Elizabeth Cush on Self-Compassion

Ignite Annapolis

Self-compassion.org

Center for Mindful Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff, Ph.D.

Christopher Germer, PhD.

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If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.

Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger,  creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!