How Trauma Impacts The Body

Trauma, especially childhood trauma, can have an impact on us long into adulthood. As I’ve shared in other blogs and on the Woman Worriers podcast, because of the childhood trauma I experienced, I struggled with anxiety for a long time.

Trauma doesn’t just impact our mental health; it impacts our physical health, too.

Studies show that the physical and mental health effects of being exposed to adverse childhood events (ACEs) can last a lifetime. In fact, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced this month that preventing ACEs could prevent many adult chronic health conditions.

What happens when we experience trauma

Children who are exposed to ACEs learn to ignore and distance themselves from the uncomfortable feelings associated with those experiences when they’re left to cope with trauma on their own. It’s the only way to survive.

Coping by avoiding then becomes a part of how we manage stress and difficult life events in adulthood. The feelings and distress don’t just go away because we avoid or ignore them. They get stored in our brains, which we might experience as nightmares and flashbacks. They get stored in our body, and show up as anxiety, depression, stomachaches and headaches, along with a long list of other symptoms.

I got really good at ignoring my distressed emotional and physical feelings. I’d stay busy with friends, staying away from home often when things got tough. Then, when I entered adolescence, I turned to substances to help distance myself even further from the anxiety and the discomfort in my body.

“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.”

— Bessel A. van der Kolk , The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Our bodies try to talk to us

What I’ve come to understand that I didn’t know it at the time was that my traumatic experiences were stored deep inside my body. I’d gotten really good at distancing from my feelings, and the only signal that I was feeling something was my anxiety.  

When my anxious feelings would bubble up it made me physically uncomfortable. My stomach would get upset, I’d get a tightness in my chest, I’d feel nervous about being around large groups of people.  Using substances helped to keep those feelings and sensations at bay, at least for a short time.

I’m grateful that I’ve had mentors, colleagues and therapists who’ve helped me better understand and practice attending to my body when my anxiety shows up.  Because it still shows up. Thankfully not as often, but it’s still a part of me.

Getting back in touch with our bodies

I spoke with Danielle Ivins-Fishman about the tension and trauma release exercises last week on the podcast. I haven’t tried that form of bodywork, but with an expert practitioner it sounds pretty amazing.

Some other practices that can help you get in touch with your body and stress responses are:

• Yoga

• Intuitive movement

• Drama therapy

• Dance therapy

• Mindful meditation

• Massage

“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.”

— Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Paying attention to my body’s sensations has made it easier for me to recognize when my stress and anxiety are first activated. I can then to respond with intention and compassion, instead of with avoidance or distraction.

When you’re attuned to the first inklings of distress, you can begin to take care of yourself in that moment, before the anxiety gets to a point where it feels like there’s no return.

Our body wants us to heal. If we’re listening to the physical signals it’s us sending us, we can actively work toward repairing the wounds we carry deep inside.

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If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.

Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger,  creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!

Horses As Healers: Personal Experience with Equine-Assisted Therapy

A little over a year ago I joined some colleagues on an Equine-Assisted Daring Way retreat hosted by Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, and Charlotte Hiler Easley, LCSW. It was a magical, healing experience. Until then, I hadn’t spent much time around horses. After this day-long retreat with two beautiful horses, I was hooked.

This week on the Woman Worriers podcast, Charlotte and I talk about why horses are particularly gifted at picking up what’s happening in the moment. They might be picking up the herd’s experience, an individual horse’s experience, or that of the human in the arena with them. They are very attuned to what’s happening in relationship to others.

Charlotte explained that a well-cared-for horse is present minded and grounded, and it picks up on whether or not we’re also grounded and safe. At the retreat I attended, I noticed that at times when other people weren’t comfortable, the horses were calm and quiet. With others, they could be very playful. For example, I was feeling very comfortable in the arena the horses. Clyde, the horse I worked with was very playful. He nudged me, bared his teeth in a smile (horses have very big teeth). At one point as I sat with the group on the other side of the fence, he came and stood very close to me, with his head near on my shoulder and his face next to mine.

When the horses are grounded and present, it’s much easier for us to be in that experience with them, and that can ease our anxiety and stress.

Feeling so connected to a huge animal I’d met for the first time, and being able to share the experience with like-minded people, opened up something deep inside me. It made me feel more connected to the universe in a way I hadn’t felt before.

Setting aside time for your own personal growth, whether it’s doing an equine-assisted therapy workshop, going on a retreat or reading a self-help book, can be a powerful, self-affirming experience. I highly recommend it.

I hope you’ll tune into this week’s episode to find out more about Equine Assisted Therapy with Charlotte Easley.

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If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.

Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger,  creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, MD and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.

A Story of Survival and Healing: A Therapists Journey Into Seeing and Being

*This post was originally published on The Practice of Being Seen blog.

Healing begins when you’re seen. Healing deepens when you see yourself.

Throughout most of my life, anxiety has been a constant companion. As a young child, anxiety was part of my emotional landscape, and it also inflected my physical world. I needed to feel that my body was safe and secure. I’d get my mom to tie the ribbons at the waist of my dresses so tightly that I could feel them cutting into my skin. I couldn’t fall asleep at night unless the covers were tucked so tightly that I felt the pressure of the blankets pushing me into the bed.

As a teenager I often disconnected from my difficult feelings. I wasn’t fully present and it was as if I was in a fog. At other times, it was as if all the wires in my system fired at the same time. When I was stressed and anxious I became hyper aware of my clothes touching my skin. Irritable and angry much of the time, I struggled with depression. All of this confused me. I wasn’t making the connection between the physical sensory discomfort and my emotional discomfort.

I felt like I didn’t fit in. I believed that there was something wrong deep within me and that I was the problem. When I’d try to “fix” that, I’d mold myself to other people’s needs and agree to things I wasn’t sure I wanted. My body would try to get my attention: a heavy tightness would press down on my chest. To this day, that pressure continues to remind me when I’m holding back and not speaking up for my wants and needs.

Surviving Abuse

It’s not easy for me to open up and it takes a lot for me to let down my guard - to be vulnerable, to trust, to be me. So much of that comes back to my childhood. The physical and emotional symptoms that I described didn’t just crop up one day. When we were very young, my sister and I were abused by a powerful man in my family. The abuse was allowed to continue even after my sister and I came forward and told my parents and they consulted with the other adults in the family. It took a huge leap of faith to tell our story, but the adults we relied upon rationalized the abuse. My sister and I were told to figure it out on our own.

We were 4 and 6 years old.

I can picture my younger self in a starchy, smocked calico printed dress. Chubby legs, a smile on my face, wanting to be loved, cared for... I just wanted to be seen, heard, and protected. Instead the message I received was, “Don’t make a fuss! Please, go figure out how to protect yourself.” As we grew older the abuse stopped, but the emotional scars are still present and they show themselves when I’m feeling most vulnerable.

Seeing the Unseen and Hearing the Unheard

I know what it means to feel like no one sees you and no one hears you.  I know the fear of showing my real self. And this is why I became a therapist, because I care so deeply about those who feel unseen and unheard.

As a therapist, I hold sacred space as I see my clients in their most vulnerable moments. I work with women who have trouble showing up as who they really are. They feel inauthentic in their lives and they struggle with anxiety and depression. As we work together, they experience what it’s like when their voices, their needs, their wants, and their pain are finally seen and heard.

Truly Seeing Myself

My own deep dive into therapy has helped me understand my shame and self-blame. It’s helped me to re-integrate the parts of me that I pushed away. I’m able to feel the power of those voices inside me that long to be heard. I’m able to acknowledge the parts of myself that need to have their stories told, shared, and embraced with compassion. I’ve begun the process of listening, loving, trusting, and seeing all of me.

I’m not sure I’ll ever rid myself of the need to protect myself, or the worry that I’ll show myself and there won’t be anyone to see me, but I’ve learned that I can be there for me. I am the one who will be able to see me, to hear me, to support me, and love me.

The abuse I experienced used to feel like a liability, but now I see it as my strength. I am a better therapist because of my story and I appreciate how it’s shaped me both personally and professionally. My clients feel that I truly understand their pain and trust that I can see their true selves in ways that might be hidden from them. I receive their stories with empathy and I support them with encouragement and compassion. As they reach out, as they explore their experiences and move forward on their journey, I continue to grow and heal right there beside them.

**You can hear me read this story aloud on the Woman Worriers podcast, episode 40.

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979.  

You can follow me and the Woman Worriers podcast on these social media platforms — Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and Twitter

How Trauma Imapcts the Mind and the Body

Traumatic Memories

Coping with a traumatic event isn’t only about managing what happened at the time, but it’s also a process of managing how it affects you throughout your life. Traumatic memories can be triggered years later or re-experienced through dreams, flashbacks, physical symptoms and emotional overwhelm.

For trauma survivors, traumatic memories can feel very scary. You’re left feeling as if you have no control over your body and mind. The good news is that you can bring some light and healing to the stored trauma by working with a trauma-informed therapist.

Storing Traumatic Experiences

Whenever a traumatic event happens, whether in childhood or adulthood, you store the experience two ways. You store visual memories and you store memories in your body. When these traumatic memories are triggered, some survivors report “seeing” the trauma as if it just happened. They can recall places, faces, smells, sounds and tastes.

Emotions can spring up without prompting, and you can feel as if you’re in a dangerous situation even when the present moment isn’t dangerous or scary. Traumatic memories can also leave you feeling anxious or depressed. It might seem like you’re feeling bad for no reason at all, but when memories that are stored in the subconscious get triggered, intense feelings seem to come out of nowhere.

I know about traumatic memories because I’m a trauma therapist and a trauma survivor. I see my clients struggle in sessions everyday. I also struggled with anxiety for many years without truly understanding the impact my trauma had on me or why I was such an anxious child, teen and young adult.

What I’ve learned as a counseling psychology grad-student, as a therapist and as a client in therapy has helped me understand that you can’t control when your memory is triggered by past events. What you can control is how you react or respond to the feelings and memories as they arise. 

Avoiding the feelings that arise when you’re feeling triggered — pushing feelings away, telling yourself to get over it, using substances, disconnecting from your feelings — might help for a short time, but the feelings are still there, and they want to be heard.  In my interview with Kristen Ulmer, we discuss how to tune into our fear (which is usually the root of anxiety and depression) so it can be heard and honored. Brain research suggests that naming your feelings can diminish the intensity of these feelings.

Trauma, Difficult Feelings And Therapy

The hard part about naming feelings if you’re trauma survivor is that initially you might not know what you’re feeling. Because the traumatic feelings were stored in the unconscious memory and that helped you survive. You might also be worried that your feelings will overwhelm you if you tune in and pay attention. In fact, trying to resist or avoid your feelings can actually increase the intensity of your emotions.

Working with a counselor who specializes in trauma-informed therapy can help. You learn how to soothe yourself when you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed. You learn to regulate your emotions as they arise and you learn to honor you story of healing.

Trauma therapy used to mean you had to retell your trauma story in order to heal, but that’s no longer a given. In trauma-focused therapy, you may share the story when you’re ready, but not before you have the skills create a space where your body and mind are ready.

If you’d like to know more about trauma, traumatic memories and healing here are some resources:

I spoke with Laura Reagan and Robert Cox about trauma, the brain and healing. You can find those interviews at WomanWorriers.com.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk has done some groundbreaking work on the subject of traumatic memories. You can learn about his research in his book , The Body Keeps The Score. Additionally, the Sidran Institute’s article What Arte Traumatic Memories, explains traumatic memories and how they’re stored. 

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If you enjoyed this blog post and would like more insights into living with anxiety, tune into the Woman Worriers podcast. In each weekly 30-minute episode, host Elizabeth Cush, LCPC, and her guests explore living with anxiety, relationships, parenting, surviving trauma and other topics and offer insights into mindfulness, meditation and other helpful resources.

Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger,  creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress, contact me!

Photos by whoislimos and Anita Jankovic and Michael Browning on Unsplash

What Have You Done For You Lately?

If you’re the kind of person who is always thinking about other people’s needs, it leaves little time to think about your own. It can also leave you feeling resentful, underappreciated and maybe even taken advantage of.

When the realization finally hits that you want more for yourself, it can come as a surprise. Giving to others seemed like it was enough, or maybe it just took up so much of your time that you forgot you had needs of your own. Or maybe you understood that you had needs, too, but it felt selfish to put your needs first.

Growing Up In A Stressful Home

So, how did you get to be a person who puts your own needs last? You see other people who say, “No.” Why is it so hard for you to set boundaries?

Childhood stress impacts adulthood

Children who grow up with caregivers who set unreasonably high expectations, who are extremely volatile, or who need their children to take care of them are at risk of becoming adult children who put their own needs last or who suppress their needs altogether.

Children learn at a very early age how they’re expected to be in the world. So, if the message you received in childhood is that your needs don’t matter, or that it’s selfish or even dangerous to ask to have your needs met, you’re likely become an adult who has difficulty seeing yourself as a priority or in need of self-care. It’s hard to undo those patterns of behavior.

It’s All In The Past — Or Is It?

Below are some of the responses I’ve heard from friends and clients when they talk about how their past experiences are affecting their adulthood.

Past experiences can impact adulthood

• “I’m over it.”

• “I’ve moved on.”

• “I don’t even think about my childhood.”

• “What’s the point of rehashing old wounds?”

• “I barely remember my childhood.”

But the past does affect the present! What you experienced in childhood determines how you learned how to maneuver in the world. It’s how you learned how to survive. But sometimes the survival or coping skills you learned as a child to get by and to please your caregivers stop working for you. They might even hurt you in adulthood.

Anxiety From Childhood Stressors

If you feel a lot of anxiety but you aren’t sure what’s causing it, you might be experiencing a flashback or an unconscious past memory that was triggered by a present experience. Or maybe your anxiety stems from your ignoring or putting your own needs last. If you’re constantly giving to others with little consideration for yourself, it can bring up some difficult feelings like anger, resentment and frustration. Those difficult feelings can be hard to tolerate if you’re unfamiliar with expressing them, and that can bring on feelings of anxiety.

Tuning Into Anxiety To Help Heal

Tune into anxiety with compassion

Anxiety is something we like to avoid, ignore or push through. I get it, I’ve been there. But by tuning into your anxiety, you can hear your body telling you that it’s afraid or feels threatened. When you’re a person who always gives to others with little consideration for what you need, your body is probably telling you that it’s feeling threatened because no one is listening. You’re invisible to yourself and others. That feels scary and maybe a little too much like childhood, where you learned that it was safer and easier to take care of others.

When we learn to listen with compassion and love to the fear that lies below the anxiety, it can lead to a deep healing of old wounds. Meditation, mindful awareness and individual therapy can all help in the healing process.

Self-Care Doesn’t Mean Selfish

Learning new behaviors takes time and patience. Self-care isn’t something many of us learned at a young age. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s a basic need. If we don’t know what we need, then it’s really hard to take care of ourselves. It takes practice — lots of it — to create a lifelong self-care routine. So be compassionate, loving and kind to yourself in this journey!

If you’d like support on your journey of mindful self-awareness and anxiety management, Woman Worriers Groups are forming now. You can find out more about the groups here.

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger,  host of the podcast Woman Worriers and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979. 

Photo by Katherine Chase & Morgan Basham & Tanja Heffner on Unsplash

The Power of Making Movement Part of Your Journey

Recently, I’ve been exploring movement in my life. I don’t just mean my physical movement, but also movement through painting, movement in my psyche and movement in my environment.

Movement Helps Heal

Movement helps heal

I’ve been more mindful of movement because I’ve been incorporating movement into my own therapeutic journey. I’ve found it incredibly healing. I was traumatized as a young child, so I learned early on to disconnect from my physical experience. Because of that, it’s taken a concerted, mindful effort to get back in touch with all of my body’s sensations.

Our bodies can tell us a lot if we’re willing to be attentive and listen. The problem is that sometimes we get so caught up in our daily grind that we forget to pay attention. We ignore what we’re feeling, or we might have disconnected from our physical experience in order to cope with trauma. 

How Mindful Awareness Helps Us Stay In Touch With Our Bodies

Our bodies talk to us everyday. Actually they’re talking to us every moment of every day! Your stomach might growl because you’re hungry, or your bladder might feel full because you need to go to the bathroom. Maybe  a tightness in your chest signals that you’re feeling anxious. But often, we don’t tune into the physical sensation. We continue on with what we’re doing until the signal is hard to ignore.

The sensations that occur within our bodies aren’t always uncomfortable. You might feel a lightness in your chest or heart when you feel joy, or gratitude might make your heartspace feel warm and full,. Laughter can make your whole body vibrate.

Bringing a mindful awareness to the movement and sensations in your body can help you feel more connected internally and externally. The aliveness that’s there, at all times can help you recognize that all sensations and movements within will come and go. So you might feel good or bad for a time, but by being more aware you come to understand that you’re in a constant ebb and flow of feelings and sensations.

3 Ways To Bring Awareness To Movement

1. Move Your Body! Yoga, exercise, walking, dancing or whatever moves you! When you allow your body to move in ways that feel good to you, it can bring a whole lot connection and awareness to how your body feels and when it wants you to hear.

Art can make us aware of the power of movement

I’m taking an Authentic Movement Group with other healers. Without going into too much detail, the idea is that you trust your body to communicate with you about how to move in a way that feels true and authentic. (And you do it with your eyes closed!) It’s been an enlightening and freeing growth experience for me in ways I can’t even put into words.

2. Explore Through Art. Whether you draw, paint, sculpt or weave, it’s all about movement of the medium. I know you might say, “But I’m not an artist,” but guess what? It doesn’t matter! I’m not an artist. Without any formal training, I’ve begun painting with watercolors, and it’s fun! I try to approach it with no judgment. Some of my creations I love. Some, not so much — but expressing myself through the movement of color on paper has been another surprisingly powerful experience.

3. Notice Movement In Your Environment. As you walk, drive, run and move throughout your day, notice the sounds that move in and out of your awareness. Notice others moving around you. Notice how your own movements change as you walk, go up steps or sit down. Pay attention to the wind as it blows branches or trash or stoplights. Or notice how the wind passes by your cheek or blows your hair. Here’s a video I took of waves and the motion of water on a beach.

Movement is ongoing. What can we learn from that? The thing I’ve taken away from paying attention to all of this movement in and around me is that whatever I am experiencing at this moment, it’s likely to change. Maybe not right away, but it will change. So, I might be feeling anxious now, but it’s not going to last forever — and that’s reassuring.

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979. 

Photo by Nadim Merrikh and Rifqi Ali Ridho on Unsplash

Anxiety and Fear Complicate Our Communication and Relationships

This week I have Dalila Jusic-LaBerge, LMFT from Westlake Village, CA, guest posting on relationship communication. She tells us that our needs might go unmet if we’re not able to identify and communicate them effectively. Incorporating a daily mindfulness practice into our routine can help us become more aware of how we’re feeling, allowing us to better understand what we need in the moment. Check out her post!

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We Were Raised To Be Anxious Beings

We often hear, “Relationships are complicated." But, why are they so complicated? The answer may be simple. Relationships are complicated because we are complicated, due to an upbringing that fostered anxiety. For most people in our society, this anxiety has become intertwined with our being.

This prevents us from being authentic and being in touch with our true emotions, which is essential for successful communication and good relationships. Furthermore, we may be so entrenched with anxiety we may not even realize when anxiety takes over and makes our life a real struggle. When you put two people with this kind of mindset together, communication becomes difficult because the anxiety each of them brings amplifies this struggle.

Anxiety Complicates Communication

Our anxiety doesn't allow us to communicate openly and authentically. When you feel anxious, or simply when you are less relaxed, you come across in ways you don't intend. Other people may have a difficult time getting your true message, due to the different defense layers that you create due to anxiety and fear.

These defenses protect you from feeling exposed, but they also act as filters that don't allow your true personality to get through to the other person. Don't worry you are not the only one who goes through this. This is quite normal for all of us. In some ways, we were raised to be like this.

Your body language reflects your anxiety and signals caution to your partner

As you try to make sure your vulnerabilities don't become revealed, your body posture is assisting you in maintaining “safety." When you are anxious or have fear, your body is not relaxed. Instead, your body becomes tense, which signals to your partner that you are ready to fight.  This further triggers your partner’s defense mechanisms, and they become tense and ready to fight or perhaps flee.

Have you ever seen your partner in a wide-open leg stance with their arms crossed and their chest puffed? This is one version of how your partner may look when they’re tense. This may also be their natural posture because of your partner’s need to assert themselves due to issues stemming from their childhood.

Thus, don't despair. You are not the only one who struggles with communication. Your partner in the conversation most likely has his or her own fears and anxiety, which prevents them from communicating authentically and understanding where you come from.

Your partner's fears and anxiety put them on defensive and then you get a negative, emotional reaction. Then the situation becomes tenser between the two of you.  The downward spiral continues and the gap between partners may increase. Your anxiety and their anxiety paired with tense body language often lead to difficult communication and potential struggles in the relationship.

This leads to neither party feeling understood or cared for. This is why many therapists and relationship counselors tell you to work on your communication and listening skills.

Clear Communication Requires Authenticity and Empathy

Body and language and empathy impact communication with your partner

Another important point we may forget is that the clarity and authenticity of communication are everyone's burden. Clear, authentic communication doesn't only involve you spilling your guts with all your opinions but also making sure that your partner understands you well.

This means being empathetic with your partner. You can understand how they feel when you say or do something. Basically, if you want to make sure your message is heard, you must adjust your communication so your partner gets it the way you meant it.

But, how can you be empathetic towards your partner, when you have a difficult time accessing your own emotions? Listening to your anxiety will help you be compassionate towards yourself first. It will also help you ease up and be able to empathize with your partner too.  Start by practicing mindful communication. This means, you are aware of your feelings, what your needs are, and how you can communicate this so your partner gets it without feeling threatened.

From unaware to mindful communication

You probably never mean to say that they’re worthless and that you don't like anything that they do for you, but sometimes our partners feel like this when we complain.

Let's analyze a simple example of communication with your partner.

What comes out of your mouth due to your anxiety filters:

You casually mention, "You never take me out on Saturdays anymore."

Here, you probably hope that they will get the hint and show how they care about you by arranging an outing on Saturday.

The unspoken part of your communication:

You may have a difficult time expressing your needs openly due to some neglect in your childhood and you may carry some anger related to this. Although you don't express your anger openly towards your partner, your body language and short complaint tells them more than you know.  You are in some way projecting this old anger towards your partner.

Because your parents were unable to see what you needed as a child you hope your partner will. But remember, they are not a mind reader. Your partner probably tells you this. In addition, they may have their own anxiety and defensiveness. Due to this they might feel attacked by you even though you’re just hoping they will meet the needs from childhood you felt were ignored or unrecognized.

What your partner may hear, due to your body language, as well as their upbringing and the anxiety that comes with it:

"You are worthless. You don't do anything right. You can never make me happy"

By seeing your body language and hearing your words, your partner will feel criticized. Maybe they were criticized in childhood and never felt good enough either.

So instead, you can meet your needs and help your partner feel empowered by saying something like:

"I really enjoy when we go out on Saturdays like we used to when we were dating."

Or, if you want to be more direct and take the initiative:

"Let's go out on Saturday. We had so much fun when we did it before."

Mindful Communication Starts With Self-Awareness

Do you see the difference in the communication style? You truly want to feel cherished and desired by your partner, but they feel attacked when you try to communicate this to them. You may not be aware of your anger due to the neglect in childhood, and thus you may take it out on your partner without ever intending it.

Similarly, their own anxiety and difficult past may not allow them to understand your needs. If you were able to authentically communicate your needs, your partner would feel empowered and honored because you express this to them. We all need to be needed in relationships.

When you become more aware of your feelings, needs, and your value, genuine communication becomes easier. Once you start working on this, your anxiety symptoms will also decrease.

Mindful communication and self-awareness can help you heal

It's important to note that being in a relationship can help you both heal. What matters is you are able to build enough trust where you two can be open and authentic with each other. It takes a lot of personal growth to be in a relationship. Learning how to communicate with your partner will help you both grow and feel empowered.

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Dalila Jusic-LaBerge is the owner of Be Here & Now Counseling, and she helps women and teen girls heal trauma and emotional wounding, so they can enjoy life and love in healthy relationships. Dalila specializes in working with accomplished women who yearn for love but feel lost in romantic relationships.

Utilizing mindfulness based body-mind oriented therapy modality, she helps them heal, connect to their own emotions, develop intuition, and be ready to connect on a deeper emotional level. This empowers women to be authentic and in touch with who they truly are. Dalila focuses on helping her clients manage difficult feelings and emotions that come with stress, anxiety irritability, and anger issues, that are preventing them from enjoying life and happy relationships.

Dalila can be found on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose.

Photo by Crew, jens johnsson & JD Mason on Unsplash

Reconnecting With Yourself

Feeling Different or Flawed: Part 2 in a two-part series

I recently posted about the impact that childhood emotional neglect and abuse can have when you’re an adult: Intentional and unintentional trauma and abuse can leave you feeling that some part of you will never feel truly connected to others  — that maybe you’re just different in some way. Dr. Jonice Webb calls it the fatal flaw.  I also posted my own story, A Story of Survival and Healing: A Therapists Story into Seeing and Being Seen, sharing how trauma impacted me as a person and as a therapist.

Reconnecting with yourself can ease anxiety

Feeling different or apart can make it hard to feel connected from the people in your life you care most about. Or it can make it hard to form new connections. It can leave you feeling anxious because you don’t feel like you’re showing up as your “true self.” But what keeps that distance between you and others isn’t a fatal flaw that can never be healed.

If you’ve felt disconnected from others, there’s a good chance you were never taught how to manage or regulate your feelings when you were growing up. Maybe difficult feelings like anger, fear or sorrow weren’t validated, or you were punished or shunned for expressing them.

Anxiety Shows Up

When you’re taught that feeling and expressing our emotions isn’t safe, and you didn’t have people in your life who modeled how to manage emotions, it’s really hard to figure out these skills by yourself. You become uncomfortable when strong emotions surface, so you push them down, avoid and ignore them. Avoiding the difficult emotions creates a disconnection from yourself because you don’t know how you’re feeling in the moment. Anxiety creeps or jumps in, because your body understands that you’re feeling discomfort and it wants to alert you to any potential danger.

You might feel numb, unable to describe how you feel, or you might find it hard to identify the more subtle emotions. As a result, you use very basic language when describing your feelings:

• I’m angry.
• I’m sad.
• I’m happy.

Those few phrases barely scratch the surface. There are so many ways to describe our different emotional states. Here’s a list of words you can use to better illustrate how you feel. Just to give you an idea of the diverse language of emotion, here are 10 words to express sadness to help you get to the core of what you’re experiencing:

• depressed
• dejected
• in despair
• despondent
• disheartened
• forlorn
• gloomy
• hopeless
• melancholy
• wretched

Reconnecting With Yourself

In order to feel connected to others, you have to be able to connect with yourself first, because when you don’t know how you’re feeling it can be hard to understand how others are feeling. So the first step is to get back in touch with those feelings that you have avoided, pushed down and ignored.

6 Suggestions For Getting In Touch With Your Feelings

Meditate. Meditation allows you to calm your mind and understand your body’s reaction to stress.

Practice mindfulness. Being more present in the moment gives you a greater understanding of your body, your thoughts and your feelings. Pausing and being mindful when you’re stressed and anxious can help you understand your feelings as they’re happening. And when you know what’s bubbling up, you can better soothe yourself.

Journal your emotions. Use the list of emotions try to identify exactly what you’re feeling. When you can name an emotion with authenticity, you might feel your body relax, because you’re allowing yourself to see it and feel it.

Get in touch with the “felt sense.” Try the exercise below to help you better understand what your body is telling you about how you feel. It helps you get in touch with the felt sense and honor what your body has to tell you.

This is an exercise to help you get in touch with your body when feeling difficult emotions.

Offer yourself some compassion. When you’re struggling or you feel like you’re “less than” or flawed, you might blame yourself or feel ashamed. Maybe you’re very critical of the mistakes you make or maybe you get caught up in the things you should have done or said. Offering yourself compassion can calm and soothe you in times of stress.

Share your story with a counselor. Finding a therapist who specializes in trauma and attachment, and childhood emotional abuse can help you feel understood and seen. Therapy can help you learn how to reconnect with yourself in meaningful ways.

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose.

Photo courtesy of Samuel Dixon for Unsplash.

Seeing And Being Seen: My Story Of Survival And Healing

Me as a young girl

Earlier this year I decided to write what I thought would be a “how therapy helped me become a better therapist” story. Over the years, I’ve been in and out of therapy to help me manage my anxiety and depression. I created what I thought was a vulnerable, open piece that shared how my own therapy helped me learn to cope with trauma and how each of the therapists I’d worked with led me to insights that help me be a better therapist today.

I submitted the piece to colleagues who have a contributor’s blog on their website, The Practice of Being Seen. Although I felt I’d been open, honest and vulnerable, I was told that the piece didn’t go deep enough into my story. I think one of the comments they had was, “We want to know about you, not your therapists.”

I went back to the computer and started again. After multiple edits and rewrites, it turns out that the story I needed to tell was a much different, much more personal story — the story of being the survivor of childhood sexual abuse. You might wonder, “Why anyone would want to share that story? Isn’t that too much to share with the world?” That’s precisely why I needed to tell it.

I recently had the honor and pleasure of attending a talk by author, speaker, researcher, social worker extraordinaire Brené Brown who said, “When we deny our stories, they define us. When we write our own stories, we write the ending.” I knew then it was time for me to write my own ending.

When we hold our stories so close that they rarely see the light of day, the story remains the same. For me, avoiding the story created a negative feedback loop. For years I felt damaged by the abuse, because all I could feel was the shame of what happened. Avoiding what happened, and the feelings associated with it left me feeling disconnected from me and those around me. I needed to retell my story from a place of strength.

Writing my story, A Story of Survival and Healing: A Therapists Journey Into Seeing and Being Seen, has been a difficult, raw and extremely empowering experience. As Anne Lamott writes, “It's good to do uncomfortable things. It's weight training for life.”

Let me know your thoughts and if you’re ready, start writing your own story.

How To Manage Fear

Fear can make us feel isolated

Fear is one of those emotions that gets a bad rap, In our society fear is often identified as a weakness. We even have slurs for people who we deem scared or fearful: sissy (or worse), wuss, scaredy cat or wimp. However, fear often lies beneath other more acceptable emotional states like grieving, feeling anxious or being angry.

Why Do We Have Fear?

Fear is a natural, primal response to a perceived threat. According to Merriam Webster fear is:

“an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.”

Way back in the day, when we were being chased by lions or other predators, our fear kept us on our toes, ready to fight or flee. Fear kept us safe. And fear still keeps us safe. When we sense a threat, we guard ourselves both physically and emotionally. The problems come when we live with fear as a constant companion, and it creeps into how we manage our everyday life.

Fear In Modern Life

Early childhood trauma, childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse or assault, and physically and/or emotionally abusive relationships can all manifest themselves in a deeply held sense that you’re not safe. Your mind and body want to protect you so they’re ready for danger all the time.

This constant underlying level of fear can make even mundane tasks seems scary or dangerous.

I know that fear has kept me from exploring new opportunities or opening myself up in new relationships. There were times when I even found it difficult to make phone calls because it didn’t feel safe. Because of my fears, I often felt stuck, lonely, afraid, disconnected and isolated. My own therapy has helped me to understand how my fears keep me from connecting with others and myself.

How Fear Shows Up

Because fear often lurks below the surface of our consciousness, it can show up in many different ways, and we don’t often recognize it for what it is. Here are a few ways that fear can present itself:

• Anxiety — This is the fear of situations and things that are uncertain or that you feel you can’t control.
•  Social Anxiety — This is the fear that others are judging you. You worry that you might embarrass yourself.
• Grief  — This can include fear of the future, fear of death and fear of being alone.
• Fear of rejection — This can keep you from opening yourself up to others.
• Fear of abandonment — You might make you cling to those you love because you worry they will leave you.
• Anger  — Anger can mask fear. For some people it’s easier to feel angry than it is to feel scared.
• Fear of failure — This keeps you from trying new things.

No matter how fear shows up in your life, it can leave you feeling anxious, depressed, stressed and stuck.

Overcoming Fear Might Not Be The Answer

Most people manage their fear by avoiding the things they’re afraid of. If you worry about being judged by others, you avoid places where you might meet new people. If you’re afraid of rejection, you avoid opening yourself up to others. If you’re afraid you’ll be abandoned, you avoid confrontation, and you often put others’ needs before your own. If you’re grieving, you might fear you’ll never get over it, and you tell yourself it’s time to move on. If you’re scared of being emotionally hurt, you might lash out in anger to avoid feeling that pain.

The problem with using avoidance to manage your fears is that it’s only temporary relief. Ultimately, avoiding situations that make you fearful can leave you feeling anxious or depressed because you want to overcome your fears. You want to change, but you can’t do so if you constantly avoiding what you fear. Avoiding your fears makes you feel stuck where you are, disconnected from those you love and care for, and worrying that maybe there’s something wrong with you. 

Facing Fear With Compassion

Facing fear with compassion

 It’s not possible, or even desirable, to overcome fear completely. If we did, we would no longer sense real danger, and knowing when to protect yourself is a valuable tool for survival. What we can do is learn to how live with our fears.

Being afraid can be physically and emotionally uncomfortable. You sweat. Your heart rate increases. Breathing becomes shallow. It can be hard to swallow. Your stomach or head might ache and you might begin to shake. All of these bodily sensations alert you to possible danger ahead. And then there’s your brain. It’s probably telling you to get away from whatever it is you’re fearful of. Although your body and mind are telling you to run away from or avoid the scary things, research tells us that the best thing we can do (when there is no actual danger) is to be open and curious about our fears.

Now I get that you’re probably saying that leaning into your fear is the last thing you want to do! But if you allow your fear to exist, if acknowledge it, if you’re open it and willing to explore what your fear wants you to know with compassion, it can actually reduce the fear response. Sounds crazy, right?

An Exercise To Help You Manage Fear

Here’s an exercise you can try the next time fear is keeping you from living your life fully:

If you find you’re avoiding something because the idea of it makes you uncomfortable, find a quiet place and really tune into your body.

What physical sensations do you notice?

• Is your chest tight?
• Are your breaths shallow and quick?
• Can you feel your heart racing?
• Are sweating a little
• Does your throat feel constricted?

Accept whatever sensations you experience. Take a few slow deep breaths. Breathe into any tension you might feel in your body, and imagine the tension melting away as you breathe out.

Now check in with what’s going on in your head.

What are you telling yourself? Are you…

• Worried you’ll embarrass yourself?
•  Worried that others will be judging you?
• Afraid you’ll make a mistake, or be rejected?
• Worried that by feeling your fear you’ll get sucked into it or that feeling your fear will make it worse?

I want you to acknowledge all those uncomfortable thoughts. You can say to yourself, “Wow, I’m really scared and struggling right now.”  Sometimes it can help to place a hand on your heart and say, “This is so hard. I’m so afraid to ______.” (You fill in the blank.) Try to hold your fear with compassion.

Take some more time to check in with your body once again. Notice if any of the physical sensations have changed. Are they more intense? Have they lessened? If you’re still feeling the strong physical presence of fear, take a few more deep breaths, breathing into tension and imagining the edges of that tension softening just a little. 

Now, imagine that your fear is there in the room with you. What does it look like? What color and shape is it? If you have the supplies on hand, draw a picture of it. If not, create a mental picture of the fear.

Get Curious About Fear

Once you have a clear sense of how the fear feels and looks, ask it if it would be willing to let you get closer. Ask it if it’s willing to let you be curious about why it’s showing up. If it feels safe, ask the fear what its worries are and what it wants you to know. Often, our fear wants to protect us, to keep us safe. Maybe it’s worried that you’ll be hurt and wants you to stay at home so you’ll never be hurt again. Maybe it’s worried that you’ll be overwhelmed by grief, and so it wants you to stop thinking about it and move on.

If you can, thank your fear for wanting to protect you. Acknowledge that it’s kept you safe, but that now it’s time for it to step back and let you move forward, so you can take some chances and feel your feelings. When you can appreciate and feel gratitude for your fear and how it’s protected you all these years, it can open up space inside you and calm your body.

It might be too hard to be curious about your fear because it still doesn’t feel safe. If you’re not ready to investigate your fear, that’s OK. Instead, I want you to ask your fear if you can just sit with it for a bit. Allow the fear to be present. Take a few deep, cleansing breaths. Notice where you feel it in your body and continue to offer yourself compassion.

Moving Forward And Facing Your Fear

If you’ve experienced childhood trauma or childhood emotional neglect and you want help managing your fears I’d love work with you on this journey. Please send me an email or call me at 410-340-8469.

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Photos courtesy of Milada Vigerova andGiuila Bertelli for Unsplash.

Elizabeth Cush, LGPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose.

Uncovering the Roots of Anxiety and Stress

Therapy can be a fascinating process. Some people compare it to peeling an onion. Each layer offers new insights and understanding. Case in point — many of my clients come to me because they want to learn how to manage their stress and anxiety more effectively. As therapy progresses it becomes evident that they’re not just stressed about what’s going on in their lives today. What triggers their anxiety are deeply rooted negative thoughts and feelings they have about themselves. These thoughts often determine the stories we tell ourselves about who we are.

Some of the deeply held negative beliefs that my clients have shared in sessions include:

• I am not enough.
• I don’t matter.
• I will always disappoint those who care about me.
• I am unlovable.
•  I am flawed.
• If they knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me.
• I should not be forgiven.

My clients are often surprised to learn that their situation is not unique. I’m not saying that each individual isn’t unique, but I have many clients who hold similar beliefs about themselves, because of their past experiences.

Doing the Deeper Work

Uncovering these beliefs often takes time because they’re unconscious, barely showing themselves when your anxiety starts to ramp up. As our work together progresses, trust begins to grow, and the deeper work begins. Sharing stories and impressions of past experiences in therapy can open the door to recognizing the messages you received growing up. Often, what I call the critical inner voice (or Negative Nelly), originates from experiences we had in those early years.

Because these messages are so painful and difficult to process, they’re often pushed down below the surface and bubble up through negative self-talk. That inner critic’s message can lead to anxious or depressed feelings. Therapy helps by bringing those negative messages to light. You can determine where they stem from, what drives them, and whether they are legitimate.

When Trauma and Emotional Neglect Aren’t Resolved

If you were emotionally, sexually or physically abused in childhood and that trauma wasn’t resolved or validated, it can leave you feeling inadequate or “less than” when you’re struggling. The same can be true if you were told to buck-up, to get over it, never show to when you’re hurt. These events and messages can also lead to being disconnected from your physical and emotional experience in adulthood, which makes it hard to know how you’re feeling. This can leave you uneasy or numb.

Mindfulness and Meditation Can Help

Mindfulness and meditation can help make you more aware of your negative thoughts and allow you to be more comfortable with your difficult feelings. Finding and practicing self-compassion also plays an important role in letting go of the negative self-talk that comes so easily when we make mistakes, or we embarrass ourselves through our actions or statements. Self-compassion acknowledges that we’re human and often make mistakes and that, although we all suffer, this too will pass. It also creates a space to offer yourself some support and comfort.

Therapy Can Make a Difference

If you’re suffering from trauma-related anxiety or depression, and it feels overwhelming, therapy can help. It’s important to find a therapist you feel comfortable sharing with and opening up to. You want someone who you feel will understand, empathize and support you in your journey forward. If you struggle with anxiety or depression that might be related to past trauma, please call me at 410-340-8469 to begin the journey to healing.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose.

Photos courtesy of Joshua Earle and Ashley Batz for Unsplash.com

Wider Ripples: The Stanford Rape Case And Orlando Mass Shooting Affect All Survivors Of Violent Crime

The Stanford rapist’s sentencing, the rape survivor’s letter and the mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, have recently dominated news headlines, and social media. I hesitated to add my voice to the overall noise of the conversation, but I thought it was important to speak to the survivors of rape, mass shootings and hate crimes.

Surviving Isn’t That Simple

To outsider observers, survivors of violent crime have, by definition, survived. Those who haven’t experienced the trauma might see survival as a thing of celebration, or as a reason to move forward. After all, the survivor made it; he or she is alive; the experience is over. Unfortunately, it’s rarely that simple. Survivors of violent crime are left with many conflicting feelings and thoughts. Years after the event, they might continue to struggle.

It’s hard for any of us to avoid the images, written text and video of the recent events. For survivors of violent crime, that information overload can bring back the thoughts, images, and feelings related to their past personal experience.

For survivors of rape or hate crimes, these feelings can include:

·      Shame because they believe that maybe somehow they deserved this.

·      Self-blame because “if only” they done that one thing (stayed home, skipped that last drink, worn different clothes...), it might not have happened.

·      Anxiety because they no longer feel safe.

·      Guilt because of the impact on family, friends and themselves.

·      Anger towards the perpetrator, the victim, the system and themselves.

·      Frustration that they can’t get over it, or that the perpetrator went free.

·      Sorrow from the loss of their former selves.

·      Relief because it was someone else this time.

·      Hope that now others will understand how devastating the rape or hate crime can be. Or maybe, that the publicized incident will finally drive lasting societal change.

·      Numbness because they can’t bare to think about what happened.

For survivors of mass shootings the feelings are similar but for slightly different reasons:

·      Shame that they were targeted.

·      Guilt that they survived and others didn’t.

·      Anxiety because the world doesn’t feel safe.

·      Anger towards the perpetrator, or the system.

·      Frustration that this is happening again.

·      Sorrow from the loss of those who died.

·      Relief because they weren’t there this time.

·      Hope that maybe this time something will change, and it won’t happen again.

·      Numbness because to think about what happened is too painful.

Coping Tools For Survivors

If you are a survivor of violent crime, take the time to remind yourself that it’s normal for your feelings to resurface, and for you to feel conflicted about what’s happened. It’s also normal to be triggered, or activated, by the recent events. If you are feeling overwhelmed, here are a few coping tools to help you manage this extremely difficult time and to take care of yourself:

·      Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling.

·      Reach out. If you are in counseling, have a support group, or have supportive friends and family, talk to them about what’s going on for you.

·      Turn off the news. You know what happened. Watching 24/7 news coverage can increase your feelings of danger or threat and leave you feeling more anxious.

·      Take the time for self-care. Exercising, sleeping, reading, and spending time alone or with loved ones can create a sense of well-being.

·      Take a walk in nature. Natural settings can help calm your nervous system. According to a scientific study that was reported on in the New York Times, “…volunteers who had strolled along the quiet, tree-lined paths showed slight but meaningful improvements in their mental health…They were not dwelling on the negative aspects of their lives as much as they had been before the walk.”   

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the recent events and would like help please call or email me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people who feel overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling in Annapolis and Arnold, MD- 410-340-8469

Turning Tigers Into Kittens: Mindfulness and the Release of the Anxious Mind

Robert Cox, MA, PLPC, NCC is my guest blogger this week. His blog focuses on the body's response to trauma and how trauma affects anxiety and depression. He also discusses the benefits of a mindfulness practice for symptom relief. He has counseling offices in Liberty, MO, where he specializes in the treatment of trauma, addictions and autism.  He writes, "I am trying to change the face of both addictions and autism treatment. "

If you would like to know more about Robert and his practice you can find it HERE. You can also follow him on Twitter-  HERE. Or Check out his amazing Mindful Recovery Podcast HERE.

By

Robert Cox, MA, PLPC, NCC

Trauma can often result in increased anxiety levels and depression.  This is because our brain, already primed to sense danger in advance, becomes overloaded with the trauma and begins to associate all kinds of everyday sensations with that event.  So we can be triggered by loud noises or by certain smells or the feeling of material on our skin.  Something simple and mundane to everyone else can set us into a tail spin of increased heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating and racing, panicked thought patterns.  All because the limbic region of our brain (the little part at the base of the skull just above your neck that is responsible for emotional regulation) is triggered and tells our body that there is danger and we better prepare to fight or to run away.  I call it our tiger response, because it’s a great response to have if you’re being chased by a tiger, but not so helpful in the middle of Wal Mart.  

If you have suffered through trauma and anxiety, then you know this feeling.  Dealing with this feeling constantly over a period of weeks, months, even years can lead to serious depression.  It simply wears on us physically and mentally.  The good news is there is hope, and often hope outside of medication.  It’s called mindfulness.  Mindfulness is a very simple practice of regulating the body by watching the breath and allowing that focus on the here and now of basic body functions to bring us out of the anxiety and panic, back in to this moment in front of us.  By slowing the body down, we tell the brain that there is no reason to be afraid or anxious and the limbic region begins to loose its grip on the rest of the brain allowing us the emotional space to begin making rational decisions with the forebrain again. 

In addition to the immediate effect of telling the brain it’s OK when we are in mindful moments, our body and brain react by reducing stress chemicals like Cortisol which increases all those fight or flight responses and increasing good chemicals in the brain like serotonin (a depression fighting drug) and Oxytocin, which psychologists often call the “hug drug” because it’s that feel good, relaxing drug that gets released when we hug each other for 20 seconds or more.  In fact, if you have a friend, or significant other that you trust in very intimate spaces…a good thing to do might be to ask for a hug and simply stand in that moment, completely focused on the sensation of safety you are getting and watching the breath move in and out of your body.  This mindful moment would serve as a double dose of oxytocin to release the anxiety of the brain.

Often, however, when we are in those triggered spaces the last thing we want is to be touched.  In that case it comes down to using some basic exercises to bring ourselves back to the here and now and just focusing on the breath while counting to three slowly as we breathe in, and holding for a second then counting the same three as we breathe out.  When we feel like we are being chased by the Tigers of the past this simple breathing exercise can bring us right back to the present.  If we practice when we are not being chased by Tigers then we can make this response second nature and when they do come, we respond by returning to the breath in the here and now. 

Before we know it we have calmed and we can clearly see that our tigers have become kittens.

For more about this body brain link and a map of the emotional brain you can go to the Mindful Recovery Podcast page and scroll down to Episode 1: The Emotional Brain in Recovery.  The map is just below the podcast artwork and you can follow along during the episode for a fuller discussion of how the brain reacts to trauma along with a brief exercise provided to help you learn how to release the grip of the limbic region and begin your mindfulness practice.  For more about beginning your own practice you can go to my Resource Page to find tools, music and learning programs designed for your needs.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Arnold and Annapolis. 410-340-8469

The Impact of Shame And Blame After Trauma

Doubting The Victim

I recently listened to The Anatomy of Doubt, episode #581 of This American Life. The first half of the episode was about Shannon, who was sexually assaulted by a stranger who entered her home through an unlocked door.

Growing up she lived in multiple foster homes and became quite close to two of her foster mothers. After the sexual assault she called these two women and some friends to share what happened. Both mothers chose not to believe her. They told the interviewers that, at the time, they thought she was only trying to get attention. They communicated their doubts to the police too. I don’t want to rehash the entire episode (you can listen to it HERE) but not only did the police close the case without an investigation, they also charged Shannon with filing a false police report.

****SPOILER ALERT****

Years later, when the perpetrator was caught for another sexual assault, investigators found Shannon’s ID and photos taken that night in his apartment. He confessed to stalking and sexually assaulting many women, including her.

Doubting Your Memories

This story has stayed with me. It got me thinking, What is the impact on a trauma survivor when the people you trust don’t trust you? Shannon told the TAL interviewers that she began to doubt her memories. Her two primary supports and the police all implied she was lying. Although she was violated in her own home, she began to question what happened.

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So, how do you overcome a traumatic experience when no one believes you, and this leads you to lose faith in yourself?

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Trauma and PTSD

Traumatic experiences can lead some people to developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Symptoms of PTSD include:

• Nightmares or flashbacks
• Avoiding things that remind you of the experience
• Avoiding social situations
• Distrust of the world and others
• Numbing
• Difficulty sleeping
• Trouble focusing
• Easily startled
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Substance use

Other people might look for ways to avoid thinking or talking about what happened. Unfortunately, avoiding difficult emotions is usually a temporary fix, and can result in anxiety and depression.

You Deserve To Be Heard

You might say, this was one woman’s story—not a common occurrence.

Unfortunately, I can state from professional experience that it happens more often than you think. For years I worked as a crisis counselor for abuse victims at a local hospital. I had the privilege to counsel men, women and children who had experienced sexual assault, domestic violence, vulnerable adult abuse or child abuse during their lifetime.

Many survivors told me that when they disclosed the traumatic experiences to family, friends and/or police, it was suggested that they were lying or were partially to blame for what happened.

Many of those who came away from their traumatic experience feeling they were not supported or believed, later in life struggled with significant mental health and/or substance use issues.

Trauma, PTSD and Resilience

Research suggests that one of the key factors in resilience, or the ability to bounce back from trauma, is having a good support network and strong social connections such as family and friends. Psychiatrist Kathryn M. Connor, MD, wrote about measuring resilience after trauma in an article in The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry. Another protective factor is the ability to call on your past experiences for a reference when facing potential challenges in the future.

According to Dr. Connor, “Resilience has been shown to protect against posttrauma breakdown and may help alleviate an individual’s feelings of helplessness…” and potentially keep them from acquiring chronic PTSD.

It’s difficult enough for survivors to share what happened to them, because they often feel they are somehow to blame, or are shamed by the experience. If you were then questioned about the validity of your disclosure, it makes sense that such doubt would have an impact your ability to move on and heal. It would also affect how you handled any future trauma, making it difficult to trust others in a crisis.

How Counseling Can Help

Survivors of abuse have a lot of obstacles to overcome to move on from the trauma. The survivors I worked with who said their stories were doubted, or were told they were responsible for the traumatic experience often didn’t want to talk about the trauma, and avoided therapy, although they were struggling. Well, no wonder! Who would want to face the prospect of not being believed once again?

That being said, counseling can offer the opportunity to be heard, without judgment. Counseling moves at your pace, and you should never feel forced to talk about something until you’re ready to discuss it.

Counseling can also provide a safe space to explore the trauma while providing strategies for coping and moving forward.

Other Ways Counseling Can Help

Counseling can provide other tools to support healing, through:

• Relaxations skills to stop your mind from racing, and calm your anxiety
• Mindfulness techniques to keep you present in the here and now, instead of worrying about   past and future events
• Body work to help understand the bodymind experience after trauma and improve self-regulation
• Challenging the negative beliefs that undermine your self confidence, and make you feel “less than”
• Art therapy to explore trauma through creativity
• Play Therapy most often for children, to explore trauma through play
• Group Therapy to share common experiences and get support  

Please share your thoughts below.

If you would like more information on how counseling can help you overcome a difficult life experience you can CLICK HERE to learn more about my Annapolis counseling practice. Or CONTACT ME to set up an appointment.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Arnold and Annapolis. 410-340-8469