This is a post about racism and learning to be anti-racist. Specifically, it’s about me, a white woman who’s trying to unlearn and call attention to all the subtle racism that is so deeply embedded in me and in our culture.
I’m writing this because I’m a mother, a business owner and a therapist who knows what it’s like to be caught up in the worry. I’m a white woman who’s been caught up in the worries about not knowing what to say, saying the wrong thing, and feeling the shame and guilt of not saying anything when I see racism in my life, in my community, my country and in the world.
I’m learning to ground myself in our collective humanness, my desire to have all voices heard and the goal that everyone should be valued for who they are and not what they look like, not by their gender, how they worship, or who they love. I want to make my voice heard, to speak up and advocate for anti-racism and change even though it feels hard, and I might not always get it right. I know it's important to keep trying and that my not always perfect voice matters.
I was raised by liberal white parents in the city of Philadelphia, attended a Quaker high school and I’d describe myself as a liberal, anti-racist, white woman. I haven’t been loud about my beliefs, but I’ve mostly felt comfortable where I was, until I wasn’t comfortable anymore.
With the most recent deaths of black women and men, particularly Breonna Taylor and George Floyd, and the protests and demonstrations that have risen up around the world, I was reminded of the protests in Baltimore in 2015. That April, Freddie Gray died in police custody after being handcuffed and recklessly driven around the city in the back of a police van.
My son is a journalist and he was assigned the job of reporting on those protests for his New York City employer. I was terrified of him being in the middle of the violence. I worried he would be hurt because he was a white man out on the streets in the midst of Black protesters.
More recent conversations with my anti-racism teacher about my fear and worry for his safety— because of the color of his skin— made me reflect about what it would be like to send my sons out into the world—EVERY DAY– with that same level of fear. I realized what it felt like to fear that they would be harassed, bullied, demeaned, and physically hurt because of the color of their skin. It was one thing to spend a few days worried about my son, but I recognized how awful it would be to live with that fear, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year…and knowing that the police, who were supposed to protect me and my children, might also be a threat to our safety.
When being a white liberal is no longer enough
As I said at the beginning, I’m a liberal white woman and, for a long time, that sense that I’m an open-minded person felt like enough. It was comfortable. I knew what I believed and stood for, and it felt like that was enough.
Because of the anti-racist education I’ve been doing over the last few years, I’ve experienced a growing awareness that the “comfortable place” is no longer very comfortable. I realize that staying in that comfortable place means that I’m choosing to live with the comfort that my white privilege affords me and therefore I’m ignoring the suffering that White privilege causes Black people and all people of color.
I now recognize that by staying comfortable and quiet I'm perpetuating the systems that keep racism in place. And I’m very uncomfortable with that. I want and feel compelled to do more and I know it will feel uncomfortable. It’s time to trust my voice, my intuition, my inner warrior, myself.
But, before I felt ready and able to trust my inner voice and my inner warrior, I sought help. I reached out to Black women for guidance, and I was gently told that I needed to do my own work first and foremost.
It took me some time to realize my mistake. I was asking a Black woman to educate me, for free, so that I could be a better white person. Because of my internalized racism, I didn’t recognize that what I did was racist. I expected they would want to help me be a better white person, and didn’t consider the harm of my request. Our history is rooted in white people’s expectation that Black people should provide white people services for free, with little regard for their needs.
I was perpetuating Black trauma without even realizing my mistake. I wanted to “do” anti-racism right and was already being told that I was already doing it wrong, and that felt terrible.
Internalized racism
That’s the thing about internalized racism. It’s so deeply ingrained in us—all white people—that we don’t see it unless we're looking closely at our unconscious biases, those things we assume or believe about others without even realizing it—i.e.large groups of Black people aren’t safe for white people or that Black people are responsible for helping us eliminate racism.
And, it’s not our fault as individuals. White people are not “bad people” because we have deeply ingrained racist beliefs. We were raised and live in a country that was built on a white patriarchal paradigm. The ways of the system become our ways - until we decide to make change.
After I realized my mistake, I did my own research, bought books, read, followed and shared posts from women of color on social media. I searched for articles and read news on racism in America. I attended events at art museums that featured minority artists and then paid for a course and mentoring offered by a woman of color.
Here’s what I’ve learned from people of color about anti-racism work for white people:
Don’t ask Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) to tell you how to be less racist. If you want guidance, pay a person of color who specializes in anti-racism work to mentor and support you.
Find ways to ground yourself. Get calm and make space to notice and feel your feelings before talking. Identify your values, the things that matter most to you, and use them as a guide for where to put your energy.
Listen, and explore—with compassion—your own biases and internalized racism
Listen and process when a person of color points out your racist or white-centered words, actions or assumptions.
Be willing to apologize when you get it wrong.
If needed, process your feelings with another white person who is doing the same work or a Black mentor who is being compensated for their work.
Expose yourself to and purchase art, music, and literature created by POC.
Go to restaurants, church services, or other events where you’re the minority.
Buy from and support businesses owned by POC.
Financially support causes that are working to dismantle the racist underpinnings of our country.
Join community social change groups.
I’m still learning and practicing how to address racism when I see and hear it in the moment.
The journey and my work continues. I’m figuring out how to move out of the worry that ensnares white women trying to “do better” and instead be an anti-racism warrior. It’s not about being a “white savior” or doing the work to get accolades and say “look at me, see what a good white person I am.” As an anti-racism warrior, I’m seeking to be someone who is grounded, vulnerable, honest, imperfect and willing to apologize when I get it wrong. To know that I’ll make some mistakes and I’ll continue to speak up.
If you’re a white person who’d like to start your own journey here are some great books to get you started:
White Awake by Daniel Hill
So You Want to Talk About Racism by Ijeoma Oluo
My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem
White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo
Uprooting Racism: How White People Can work for Racial Justice by Paul Kivel
Stamped From the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibram X. Kendi
Me and White Supremacy by Layla F Saad
And even when you start doing the inner work, you’ll make mistakes, missteps, stay quiet when you want to speak up, say the wrong thing, and probably feel really uncomfortable at least some of the time. In spite of that — and because of all that — it’s important to keep at it, to stay grounded in the process, and give voice to your inner warrior who longs to speak up for justice and equality.
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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger, creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and she’s been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual, online and group therapy can help ease anxiety contact me!
