It’s Time To Open Doors, Not Close Them

Hope

A friend recently asked me to write a happy blog to offset all the sadness in the news lately. It’s so painful to see all the hurt, hatred and violence that have become a part of our lives. When each new tragedy occurs, my heart breaks for all the victims and their families. And I am angry that nothing changes.

This is my effort to make sense of our nation and the world we live in. And although I don’t think I can do “happy,” I can do hopeful.

Feeling The Impact Of Racism, Bigotry And Hate In Daily Life

Being a therapist, I know the negative impact that racism, bigotry and hate have on our mental health and our physical well-being. Being a woman, I know the harmful effects of sexism and sexual violence. And I have family, friends, colleagues, clients and classmates who’ve also felt the adverse impact of racist, bigoted, hateful incidents ranging from microaggressions to assault. I also know that I am white and middle class, and as a result, have certain privileges that many people in our country do not.

In the wake of the recent killing of recent shootings of young black men by police officers, and the five police officers who were killed at a peaceful Black Lives Matter rally in Dallas, it’s hard to make sense of what’s happening in the world or to find any hope that things will get better.

History Offers Hope For Change

Fortunately, history tells us that change can come from difficult times. Peaceful and violent demonstrations have brought about significant changes in our society.  

I believe that real change can come. But before it can happen, those of us with power and privilege (like me) have to be open and ready to have uncomfortable conversations about the existing problems and to accept that many inequalities persist in our society.

Incorporating Activism In Daily Life

How can we become open and ready? I am no activist, but here is what I believe I can do:

·      I can make an effort to listen all my clients, family, friends, colleagues and strangers. I can try to understand their experience from their perspective, and be truly empathetic.

·      I can be aware and acknowledge that real problems exist and to be ready to learn about them with an open mind and heart.

·      I can learn about the differences of all cultures and races, and their differences, with curiosity and compassion, instead of with judgment and hatred. 

·      Lastly, I can communicate and educate others about how the messages of racism, bigotry and hatred that I hear, see and witness each day impact all of us.

It’s Time To Open Doors, Not Close Them

Instead of closing borders and closing our hearts, I think it’s time to open them. Instead of the “us” versus “them” refrain that we continue to hear on the news, from politicians, and on social media, I believe we need a real, two-way dialog and a stronger more unifying message. We are all “us,” and we can learn to embrace, appreciate and value our individual differences.

It’s Up To Us

I believe that each individual voice, open heart and open mind can make a difference, and I will continue to have hope that these trying, difficult times, in which racism, bigotry, violence and hatred are so prevalent, can lead to lasting changes in our society and in the world.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety.

10 Signs That You Might Be Under Stress

She’s Got It All, Doesn’t She?

Maria might seem familiar to you. Maybe she’s a friend, relative, co-worker…. Maybe she’s even you. I know her well, because she’s like many women I see in my Annapolis counseling practice who are affected by stress.

Maria sees herself as a woman who can handle a lot. She’s very busy most of the time, and when she’s got free time she finds things to fill her schedule. She juggles a career, children, laundry, cooking, cleaning, volunteering, and helping out friends in need. In fact, Maria loves to help others, but she finds asking for help much more difficult.

In the past, her friends often wondered how she managed to keep everything under control, but lately they worry that she’s struggling. Maria hasn’t said anything, but she’s missed a few plans with friends, she’s forgotten about parent meetings at the middle school, and she seems very distracted, as if her mind were a million miles away.

Life Changes Can Add Stress

Until recently, Maria had always seen herself as independent and motivated. More important, she always felt in control. Then she was promoted at work. In her new position, she has to manage employees and learn new responsibilities. She was so excited and proud to be promoted, but the added work has created stress. Maria believes that she should be able handle her new job without a mistake. She’s sure the employees are judging her and will no longer respect her if she doesn’t get it right.

10 Signs That You Might Be Under Stress

1. Worrying all the time.
2. Feeling as if our mind is always in the “on” position.
3. Being short-tempered towards family and friends.
4. Wanting to avoid people and places for fear that others are judging you.
5. Anxiety attacks that seem to come from nowhere.
6. Experiencing frequent headaches or stomachaches.
7. Feeling tightness in the chest, or shortness of breath.
8. Difficulty focusing on daily tasks.
9. Trouble sleeping most nights because your mind won’t turn off.
10. Feeling overwhelmed at work and at home.

Perfection: A Realistic Goal?

Maria thought she had to be a perfect parent, a perfect employee, a perfect wife, a perfect friend — but suddenly all of the pieces of her life that she’d kept organized and balanced suddenly felt overwhelming. She was irritable with her family, she avoided friends because she was sure they were judging her, she was constantly worrying, and she was stressed out. Maria thought that asking for help made her weak. When her husband and best friend suggested she see a counselor to help her manage her stress, Maria felt like a failure, but she knew she needed the outside support. 

With counseling perhaps Maria can learn to let go of the need to control everything and everyone, to reach out for help and support and to accept herself for who she is — a human with built-in imperfections.

Counseling Can Help You Manage Stress By:

• Giving you a safe, non-judgmental place to talk about what’s on your mind.
• Providing space to tell your story from your perspective.
• Allowing you to gain an understanding of your body’s stress response, and how it impacts your mental and physical health.
• Teaching you stress-reduction strategies and techniques.
• Helping you learn to accept yourself as you are, so that you can embrace your imperfections.

Sometimes our carefully controlled lives can feel out of control, like Maria’s did after her promotion. Counseling can help you bring balance to your life and reduce the feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed.

If you would like help managing your stress please call me for a free 15-minute phone consultation. You can also check out my blog for more posts on stress, mindfulness and how counseling might help you.

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist, blogger,  creator and host of the Woman Worriers podcast, and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979. 

Wider Ripples: The Stanford Rape Case And Orlando Mass Shooting Affect All Survivors Of Violent Crime

The Stanford rapist’s sentencing, the rape survivor’s letter and the mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, have recently dominated news headlines, and social media. I hesitated to add my voice to the overall noise of the conversation, but I thought it was important to speak to the survivors of rape, mass shootings and hate crimes.

Surviving Isn’t That Simple

To outsider observers, survivors of violent crime have, by definition, survived. Those who haven’t experienced the trauma might see survival as a thing of celebration, or as a reason to move forward. After all, the survivor made it; he or she is alive; the experience is over. Unfortunately, it’s rarely that simple. Survivors of violent crime are left with many conflicting feelings and thoughts. Years after the event, they might continue to struggle.

It’s hard for any of us to avoid the images, written text and video of the recent events. For survivors of violent crime, that information overload can bring back the thoughts, images, and feelings related to their past personal experience.

For survivors of rape or hate crimes, these feelings can include:

·      Shame because they believe that maybe somehow they deserved this.

·      Self-blame because “if only” they done that one thing (stayed home, skipped that last drink, worn different clothes...), it might not have happened.

·      Anxiety because they no longer feel safe.

·      Guilt because of the impact on family, friends and themselves.

·      Anger towards the perpetrator, the victim, the system and themselves.

·      Frustration that they can’t get over it, or that the perpetrator went free.

·      Sorrow from the loss of their former selves.

·      Relief because it was someone else this time.

·      Hope that now others will understand how devastating the rape or hate crime can be. Or maybe, that the publicized incident will finally drive lasting societal change.

·      Numbness because they can’t bare to think about what happened.

For survivors of mass shootings the feelings are similar but for slightly different reasons:

·      Shame that they were targeted.

·      Guilt that they survived and others didn’t.

·      Anxiety because the world doesn’t feel safe.

·      Anger towards the perpetrator, or the system.

·      Frustration that this is happening again.

·      Sorrow from the loss of those who died.

·      Relief because they weren’t there this time.

·      Hope that maybe this time something will change, and it won’t happen again.

·      Numbness because to think about what happened is too painful.

Coping Tools For Survivors

If you are a survivor of violent crime, take the time to remind yourself that it’s normal for your feelings to resurface, and for you to feel conflicted about what’s happened. It’s also normal to be triggered, or activated, by the recent events. If you are feeling overwhelmed, here are a few coping tools to help you manage this extremely difficult time and to take care of yourself:

·      Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling.

·      Reach out. If you are in counseling, have a support group, or have supportive friends and family, talk to them about what’s going on for you.

·      Turn off the news. You know what happened. Watching 24/7 news coverage can increase your feelings of danger or threat and leave you feeling more anxious.

·      Take the time for self-care. Exercising, sleeping, reading, and spending time alone or with loved ones can create a sense of well-being.

·      Take a walk in nature. Natural settings can help calm your nervous system. According to a scientific study that was reported on in the New York Times, “…volunteers who had strolled along the quiet, tree-lined paths showed slight but meaningful improvements in their mental health…They were not dwelling on the negative aspects of their lives as much as they had been before the walk.”   

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the recent events and would like help please call or email me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people who feel overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling in Annapolis and Arnold, MD- 410-340-8469

Signs Of And Strategies For Dealing With Worry

Worrying is normal; it’s how we assess for potentially dangerous situations. But sometimes worry can take over your life, and leave you feeling overwhelmed. When that happens, you might need some strategies to let go of the worry.

Always Worrying

You might see yourself in this story because this could be many of my clients that I’ve worked with in my Annapolis counseling practice who have struggled with worry, stress and feeling overwhelmed.

Worrying can leave you exhausted and feeling overwhelmed.

Francie was always busy. She took care of her home and her family, she worked part time, she volunteered at her kid’s school, and she was always the first one to offer to help out her friends. From the outside Francie appeared to have it all together, but what most people didn’t know was that Francie worried all the time.

She had twin girls and entering middle school, and she worried about them out in the world. She worried about her husband driving to Baltimore County on the beltway each day. She worried about her parents, who might be getting divorced. She worried about her sister, who seemed to like to have a little too much fun. She worried when her house wasn’t clean, or the laundry didn’t get done. She worried when everyone in her family wasn’t happy, and worried when she couldn’t make everything better. She worried that maybe she wasn’t a good enough mother, wife and friend. She worried about worrying too much.

We all worry. It’s part of being human, and worry can serve us well because we are ready for danger when and if it comes. But for some people, like Francie, worrying can take over their thoughts, leave them feeling overwhelmed, and they lose the joy and ease in their lives.

5 Ways To Recognize That Worrying Could Be Ruling Your Life

1. Worrying keeps you from falling asleep or staying asleep most nights.

2. It feels like your mind is always “on.”

3. You rehash conversations, your actions or behaviors over and over again, wondering how you might have done things differently.

4. When things don’t go as planned you get frustrated, angry or scared.

5. You’re irritable a lot of the time.

All the worrying made it hard for Francie to sleep well. Some nights she fell asleep at 3 a.m., only to wake again at 6 a.m. Her friends and family didn’t know that she worried so much, that she often had trouble concentrating at work, and felt unfocused much of the time. She got frequent headaches and stomachaches. Sometimes she couldn’t swallow food because of the tightness in her throat.

Recently, Francie had an anxiety attack while working at her daughters’ school. She was light headed. Her chest felt constricted, and she could only take shallow breaths. She began to sweat, she saw stars, and she thought she was going to faint. This was the first time her friends knew she was struggling. She was mortified that they had witnessed her in such a vulnerable state. The feeling of losing control prompted Francie to seek therapy.

Counseling For Anxiety

Through counseling, Francie began to understand that her need for control stemmed from her learning at a young age that being in control kept the peace, and it also kept her safe. Over time, Francie revealed that her father had been an alcoholic. Francie had to take care of her younger siblings when her mother was at work. If Francie didn’t keep them under control, her father would yell at her and then at her mom when she got home. This made her mom really sad, and Francie felt she was to blame. When she was able to keep her siblings under control, things were less stressful, and she felt safer.

Counseling also helped Francie understand that her constant worrying was anxiety, and staying busy was her way of controlling it. If she was always doing something, she had little time to think about her worries, and so she filled her days with work, activities and chores.

We discussed the impact that all her worrying was having on her mental and physical health. We talked about why being in control was so important to her, and how hard it was to control everything in life.  Together we came up with some strategies to help her more easily accept the natural ups and downs of life, which allowed her to let go of her need to control everything.

5 Strategies To Help You Let Go

Practicing mindfulness can help ease worry

1. Practice daily mindfulness. Mindfulness means paying closer attention to what is happening right now, with openness and compassion. It keeps you attuned to the here-and-now instead of worrying about past and future events. You can read more about practicing mindfulness and self-compassion.

2. Exercise regularly. Exercise releases the body’s natural “happiness” chemicals and hormones. It can also help you sleep better.

3. Practice healthy sleep habits. A good night’s sleep can take the edge off, make you less irritable and activate your body’s immune system.  Here are some tips for a good night’s sleep.

4. Do yoga, get acupuncture or meditate. These alternative practices can help you relax your body and calm your mind.

5. Get support. Talk to friends, family or a counselor. People often feel alone in their struggles. Sharing your experience can help you feel more connected and supported.

Achieving Emotional Balance

Through counseling and some lifestyle changes, Francie has been able to live a more emotionally balanced life. If you would like to live your life with more balance please call or email Progression Counseling for a free 15-minute consultation.

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-340-8469.

Practice Self-Compassion To Ease Anxiety

Self-Compassion Helps You Feel less Anxious

Self-compassion helps reduce stress and anxiety.

I recently wrote and article for the Severna Park Voice on self-compassion, and how it can help you feel more connected to yourself and others. And it does, but self-compassion can also help you feel less anxious.

By replacing the negative self-talk from our inner critic with more supportive positive messages, we begin to feel more at ease, and at peace with ourselves. When we feel more at ease, our anxiety levels drop, because we no longer perceive potential danger. And our body is able to return to a more balanced emotional state.

More About Self- Compassion And Anxiety

You can read the article in the Severna Park Voice, and more about self-compassion in my blog.

Please leave a comment below to let me know how you practice self-compassion in your life.

If practicing self-compassion does not come easily to you, please call or email me for a free 15-minute phone consultation. 410-340-8469.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Arnold and Annapolis. 410-340-8469

Mindfulness In Less Than 10 Minutes A Day

Mindfulness

Mindfulness eases stress and anxiety

Lately, mindfulness has been a popular topic in the news and on social media. Psychologists and mental health therapists like mindfulness because research shows it can reduce anxiety and depression; it aids in reducing addictive behaviors, and can also help with eating disorders, chronic pain and stress reduction. I encourage clients in my Annapolis therapy practice to work towards becoming more mindful in their daily lives.

One way mindfulness can help in daily life is by allowing people to remain in the present moment during daily activities with thoughtful, non-judgmental attention. It also helps reduce stress by rewiring our neural pathways. These brain circuits can get stuck in the “always-on” position, so we are always in a reaction mode. 

Appreciate What’s Here

Being in the moment can help you catch yourself when your thoughts stray to the "what-ifs" and "if-onlys"— the thoughts that make you anxious, by causing you to wonder how you might have done things better, or what you should do in the future. When we constantly worry about the past or future, we miss what’s happening in the present.

Staying present helps you to appreciate what's happening in your life each day, each moment. Maybe your child or partner is talking to you, maybe the birds are chirping, or the sun shining on your face, and a warm breeze is blowing your hair. When we are present, we can mindfully attend to what is happening in our lives right now. 

Being More Mindful In Daily Life

I've been practicing mindfulness and meditation for over a year, and there are times when it’s really hard to be mindful. Because we’re human, our minds are always thinking about the next thing.  On the days when I'm extremely busy, I'm overwhelmed, or have a lot on my mind, it takes a little more effort, but I find it’s on those days that I get the most out of my mindful practice. It gets me to slow down. Using mindfulness, I can get out of my head, and I find I react less to stress.

The goal with a mindfulness meditation practice isn't to stop your thoughts or get rid of them. It’s to let your thoughts come and go while being present and paying attention to your breath.  When you recognize that you’re lost in thought, then you gently, without judgment, bring your attention back to the present moment.

Mindfulness In 10 Minutes Or Less

Here are three ways you can become more mindful in 10 minutes or less. As you become accustomed to the practice, I encourage you to increase the time you spend being mindful.

• Practice mindful breathing. Set aside five minutes per day. That’s a great starting point. As you focus on your breath, let your thoughts come and go like waves in the ocean. Each time that you notice your mind wandering, you bring it back to your breath. Try not to be hard on yourself if this isn’t easy. As I mentioned above, it’s a practice. You will begin to become aware of how your thoughts can take you away from what’s happening right now. You can use my guided meditations or there are apps for your phone that can guide you if needed.

• Pay mindful attention to your surroundings for one to two minutes each day. Pay attention to the sights, sounds and smells in your environment and the feel of things that touch your body. Your senses are always in the present moment, so mindful awareness of things they are already noticing can help keep you grounded right here, right now.
• Be kind to yourself. When you find you’re being hard on yourself, passing judgment, or putting yourself down, take a minute or two to offer yourself a kind word. Think of the things you might say to a good friend and offer yourself those same compassionate phrases.   

Let me know in the comments below how you do, or how you create mindful times throughout your day.

If you would are interested in living a more mindful life, Mindfulness Groups will be starting this Fall, 2017. Of you'd like more information on group or individual counseling call or email me for a free 15-minute phone consultation today- 410-340-8469.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Annapolis. 410-340-8469

When Life Is Out Of Your Control

Life As A Caregiver

My husband recently had knee replacement surgery. The surgery is a huge life changer. Not only for a future with less knee pain, but immediately after the surgery when suddenly the little things you took for granted, like getting dressed, getting in a car, or walking, you are no longer able to do on your own.

It was life changing for me too. I became the “coach,” which is how the hospital staff frame your role post surgery. I think using the term “coach” instead of “caregiver” is their attempt to put a positive spin on a difficult situation. If I am a coach, then I am not a nag when I am pushing my husband to do his physical therapy exercises at home when all he wants to do is rest.

Feeling Trapped And Anxious With No Control

Having my life, my schedule, my day-to-day activities driven by my husband’s needs made me feel very uncomfortable. I felt resentful, frustrated, overwhelmed with stress, and anxious because I had lost control of my life. These uncomfortable feelings lead to me feel guilt and shame for being so selfish.

I don’t want to mislead you into thinking I was a terrible caregiver. I wasn’t, I just had moments where all I wanted to do was be alone with my cup of coffee and computer or to take a walk, but had to help him shower, or exercise, or get in the car, or get into bed. I hadn’t had to do so much for someone else since I had young kids.

Reflection On Anxious Feelings With Kids & Puppies

I came to realize that my discomfort felt very familiar. In moments of clarity, I recalled being an overwhelmed mom with two young children who needed me to be there for them 24/7. No one ever tells you that being a parent or caregiver can make you feel so many intense negative emotions. Nor do you hear the repercussions of having those feelings—the shame and guilt for not being the happy, carefree mom/caregiver you thought you would be.

Although resources for postpartum depression are available—including blogs and websites for overworked parents, and support groups for caregivers—I think we need to normalize those negative feelings more often. Very few doctors or nurses who will tell you that might want to scream because all you want to do is be alone for a few minutes—or that those feelings are normal.

My Aha Moment: Lack Of Control Creates Anxiety

When I was raising my kids, I was so exhausted all the time. As a result, I didn’t realize that the feeling that my life was no longer my own was creating an overabundance of anxiety. I entered motherhood believing that my life with children would be bliss. Sometimes it was, but the moments when I was tired, overworked and overwhelmed were really hard for me. Eventually, those feelings passed. 

When the kids were older and able to do a lot for themselves, we got a puppy, and those same uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing feelings arose again. I felt trapped and no longer in control of my life. Once again, a being who depended on my being there to care for him. When raising my puppy, I figured out pretty quickly why I was having these feelings. The recognition that a lack of control = anxiety helped me feel less guilt about my negative feelings.

 My Outlook Can Create A New Perspective

This time around, with my husband’s knee rehab, I was able to see the frustration, resentment, and anxiety for what they were: normal feelings that arise when your life takes a turn that you were not expecting.

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It’s amazing how quickly your uncomfortable feelings will dissipate when you give yourself permission to feel them.

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I still felt guilty because I wasn’t the perfect caregiver 24/7, but those feelings were not as intense, and I did not feel the shame of, “I am a bad person because I resent giving up control over my life to take care of a loved one.”

Reducing The Stress

Exercise relieves stress and anxiety.

Parents, or caregivers, or coaches, whether permanent or temporary, can do some things to help relieve the stress.

• Take care of yourself. If you aren’t sleeping, eating well and getting exercise you are only adding more stress to your life
• Carve out some alone time. Maybe that means asking for help, or getting a sitter but having time to yourself is so important to clear your mind, and feel less resentment.
• Remind yourself that we all have negative feelings. I’m guessing that even the Dalai Lama gets them from time to time. He’s just better at recognizing that thoughts and feelings come and go like waves on the ocean. The thing to remember is that feeling mad, frustrated, or resentful doesn’t make you a “bad person.” It makes you human.

Living In The Moment Takes Practice

During my recent experience as a caregiver/coach, I tried to take each day as it came, and to live in the moment, but I’m human, and this wasn’t always easy. What I found helpful was having some time to myself each day. I would take a walk, go to the gym, write or read. The exercise not only relived the anxiety, but it helped ground me. I could then come back more refreshed and ready for whatever was next.

Is someone you know going through similar experiences? I would be honored if you would share this with them.

Have you had moments when your life felt like it was out of your control? Please share your experiences below in the comments.

If you’re feeling like your life is out of control, and you would like help learning to stay in the moment please contact me.

Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Arnold and Annapolis. 410-340-8469

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How to Take Control of Your Fatal Flaw

I recently communicated with Dr. Jonice Webb, the author of Running On Empty. I was inspired by her book, asked if I could share one of her article abouts Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). She generously offered to share this article about "the fatal flaw," one of the psychological effects of CEN. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and visit Dr. Webb's website if you'd like to know more.

By: Jonice Webb, PhD

The Fatal Flaw:

A deep-seated feeling that something is wrong with you. You are missing something that other people have. You are living life on the outside, looking in. You don’t quite fit in anywhere.

If you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), chances are, The Fatal Flaw is at work in your life. If you pushed your feelings away as a child, you now lack access to them as an adult. You sense deep down that something is missing (it’s your emotions).  And your life lacks the richness, connection and meaning that your emotions should be bringing to you. This is the basic cause of the Fatal Flaw. Most people who have it are not aware of it, and this gives it incredible power.

Seven Effects of the Fatal Flaw:

• You are not in touch with your gut feelings, so you don’t trust your gut (even though in the majority of CEN folks, it’s most often right).
• It undermines your confidence to take risks.
• It makes you uncomfortable in social situations.
• It keeps many of your relationships at a surface level.
• It makes you question the meaning and purpose of your life.
• It makes you fear that if people get to know you well, they won’t like what they see.
• Therefore you are quite fearful of rejection.

These seven effects will gradually wear away your contentment and your connection to life and happiness. So it is vital that you take control of your Fatal Flaw.

Six Steps to Break Down Your Fatal Flaw

1. Recognize your Fatal Flaw: This will take away its power.
2. Know that your Fatal Flaw is not a real flaw. It’s only a feeling.
3. A feeling can be managed, so start to manage it. Pay attention to when you feel it, and how it affects you.
4. Put it into words and tell someone about it.
5. Override it every time that you possibly can. Do the opposite of everything your Fatal Flaw tells you to do.
6. Start breaking down the wall between you and your feelings. Welcome them as the vital source of information, guidance, and richness that they are (even the painful ones).

Yes, your Fatal Flaw is powerful. But so are you. You have a great deal of personal power that is being drained by your Fatal Flaw.

So today’s the day. Declare war upon your Fatal Flaw, and start using your weapons of awareness, your emotions, your intellect and your words.

This is a battle that you can win. I promise.

To learn more about the Fatal Flaw, what causes it and how to overcome it, visit emotionalneglect.com and see the book Running on Empty. (link to: http://www.drjonicewebb.com/the-book/)

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Arnold and Annapolis. 410-340-8469

Loss Of A Loved One

Loss

We recently lost our family dog from illness. He was old but his death was unexpected and sudden. I was not ready. It seemed as though he was OK one day, and then it was time for him to go. We had him for almost 14 years, and he was truly a part of the family. His sudden death got me thinking about illness and loss on a bigger level. When a loved one gets sick or dies, the mix of emotions can be overwhelming and scary—especially when things happen unexpectedly. We no longer feel in control of our environment, which can cause anxiety and stress.

How You Might Feel When Illness or Loss Occurs

• Anxious because of the uncertainty
• Frustrated about loss of control
• Anger because the loss or illness takes precedence over your life/schedule
• Selfish for wanting things the way they were
• Guilt or shame because of your feelings
• Scared about the future
• Pain and sorrow for the life lost
• Alone in your grief

Avoiding The Pain

When my dog first showed signs of illness and things were not looking hopeful I had trouble sitting with that pain. I found things to do that took me out of my head. I went to the store; I cleaned and straightened—anything to distract myself from the overwhelming, uncomfortable mix of feelings. Although I knew my dog was not getting better, it was hard to accept that he would die.

Lean In To Your Emotions

As I was working so hard to avoid the uncomfortable, I realized that the feelings were not going anywhere and that maybe I would feel better if I paid mindful attention to them. As crazy as that sounds, research has shown that leaning in to our emotions or feelings can actually relieve some of the anxiety and stress that they generate.

Let Go And Be In The Moment

You can find many ways to get in touch with how you are feeling. I like to sit in a quiet place and meditate on the feelings that arise. With meditation, you can acknowledge the difficult emotions without holding on to them or allowing them to define you. Meditation allowed me to acknowledge my mix of emotions and process the fact that our dog’s time was over. 

Some Other Ways To Be With Your Feelings

Mindfulness helps when overwhelmed by anxiety

• Ground yourself with mindfulness. If your thoughts are going a mile a minute, you can practice grounding techniques to bring you back to the here and now.
• Connect with others about your experience. Talk about what you’re going through with family, friends, support groups, counseling
• Practice self-compassion. Grief and loss can bring up a lot of stuff, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Read more about self-compassion HERE.
• Acknowledge the Struggle. Reminding yourself that, “We all struggle, I am struggling right now, and illness and loss are really hard,” can help you feel less isolated.

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Remember, feelings aren’t good or bad, and they don’t define who we are. They're just feelings.

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What If You Can’t Get In Touch With Your Feelings?

For some people, identifying or getting in touch with your feelings is very hard to do. Being numb, or being disconnected from your feelings is not uncommon, especially if you have experienced trauma or childhood emotional neglect (CEN). If you have a lot of trouble naming your feelings you might need assistance to access, name and experience them. If you would like help with this process please contact me.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Arnold and Annapolis. 410-340-8469

Turning Tigers Into Kittens: Mindfulness and the Release of the Anxious Mind

Robert Cox, MA, PLPC, NCC is my guest blogger this week. His blog focuses on the body's response to trauma and how trauma affects anxiety and depression. He also discusses the benefits of a mindfulness practice for symptom relief. He has counseling offices in Liberty, MO, where he specializes in the treatment of trauma, addictions and autism.  He writes, "I am trying to change the face of both addictions and autism treatment. "

If you would like to know more about Robert and his practice you can find it HERE. You can also follow him on Twitter-  HERE. Or Check out his amazing Mindful Recovery Podcast HERE.

By

Robert Cox, MA, PLPC, NCC

Trauma can often result in increased anxiety levels and depression.  This is because our brain, already primed to sense danger in advance, becomes overloaded with the trauma and begins to associate all kinds of everyday sensations with that event.  So we can be triggered by loud noises or by certain smells or the feeling of material on our skin.  Something simple and mundane to everyone else can set us into a tail spin of increased heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating and racing, panicked thought patterns.  All because the limbic region of our brain (the little part at the base of the skull just above your neck that is responsible for emotional regulation) is triggered and tells our body that there is danger and we better prepare to fight or to run away.  I call it our tiger response, because it’s a great response to have if you’re being chased by a tiger, but not so helpful in the middle of Wal Mart.  

If you have suffered through trauma and anxiety, then you know this feeling.  Dealing with this feeling constantly over a period of weeks, months, even years can lead to serious depression.  It simply wears on us physically and mentally.  The good news is there is hope, and often hope outside of medication.  It’s called mindfulness.  Mindfulness is a very simple practice of regulating the body by watching the breath and allowing that focus on the here and now of basic body functions to bring us out of the anxiety and panic, back in to this moment in front of us.  By slowing the body down, we tell the brain that there is no reason to be afraid or anxious and the limbic region begins to loose its grip on the rest of the brain allowing us the emotional space to begin making rational decisions with the forebrain again. 

In addition to the immediate effect of telling the brain it’s OK when we are in mindful moments, our body and brain react by reducing stress chemicals like Cortisol which increases all those fight or flight responses and increasing good chemicals in the brain like serotonin (a depression fighting drug) and Oxytocin, which psychologists often call the “hug drug” because it’s that feel good, relaxing drug that gets released when we hug each other for 20 seconds or more.  In fact, if you have a friend, or significant other that you trust in very intimate spaces…a good thing to do might be to ask for a hug and simply stand in that moment, completely focused on the sensation of safety you are getting and watching the breath move in and out of your body.  This mindful moment would serve as a double dose of oxytocin to release the anxiety of the brain.

Often, however, when we are in those triggered spaces the last thing we want is to be touched.  In that case it comes down to using some basic exercises to bring ourselves back to the here and now and just focusing on the breath while counting to three slowly as we breathe in, and holding for a second then counting the same three as we breathe out.  When we feel like we are being chased by the Tigers of the past this simple breathing exercise can bring us right back to the present.  If we practice when we are not being chased by Tigers then we can make this response second nature and when they do come, we respond by returning to the breath in the here and now. 

Before we know it we have calmed and we can clearly see that our tigers have become kittens.

For more about this body brain link and a map of the emotional brain you can go to the Mindful Recovery Podcast page and scroll down to Episode 1: The Emotional Brain in Recovery.  The map is just below the podcast artwork and you can follow along during the episode for a fuller discussion of how the brain reacts to trauma along with a brief exercise provided to help you learn how to release the grip of the limbic region and begin your mindfulness practice.  For more about beginning your own practice you can go to my Resource Page to find tools, music and learning programs designed for your needs.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Arnold and Annapolis. 410-340-8469

Spring: A Time To Cultivate And Grow Self-Compassion

Spring is A Season For New Beginnings

Budding trees, baby birds and blooming flowers come to mind when I think of spring. Commercials and the media tell us that spring is a time for weddings, new love, new growth and change.

Depression And Anxiety Make It Hard To Grow And Change

If you feel stuck, the changes spring brings can be a constant reminder of your immobility, which can bring on feelings of overwhelming anxiety and depression.

Maybe you feel stuck because:

• You have no motivation.
• The idea of change or growth makes you anxious or scared.
• You feel you don’t have much to offer.
• Making the first step feels overwhelming.
• You feel disconnected or numb.
• You yearn to connect with others but fear rejection.

Often, the apprehension or fears that keep us stuck stem from feelings of inadequacy or inferiority. Then we feel bad about ourselves because we worry that we will never be able to move forward. The cycle spirals downward.

Let’s Make Spring A Time To Practice Self-Compassion

Instead of beating ourselves up for not making external changes, or not being the person we want to be, let’s make spring a time to change how we think about ourselves!

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If we can learn to see ourselves with compassion, to embrace our imperfections and accept our fears, we can start to embrace differences in others. This can help open us up to the possibility of new connections. Tweet This

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What is Self-Compassion?

Dr. Kristin Neff has done a lot of research and writing about self-compassion. She identified that self compassion has three components—self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. You can read more about her findings by CLICKING HERE.

5 Steps To Help You Cultivate Self-Compassion

1. If you make a mistake, remind yourself that none of us are perfect and say, “We all struggle from time-to-time.”
2. Practice self-compassion and loving kindness meditations. You can access some of Dr. Neff’s has guided meditations HERE.
3. When you feel anxious, place your hand on your heart and tell yourself, “I am here and I love you.”*
4. Practice mindfulness. This helps you understand that although right now might be hard, life has ups and downs, and things will change.
5. Imagine what someone close to you might say to you if he or she knew you were having a hard time.

*Sometimes saying loving statements to ourselves is difficult. If you find it too hard to do this, you can say, “I am here and my intention is to love you.”

If you would like help cultivating and growing your self-compassion, you can call me or email Progression Counseling, offices in Annapolis and Arnold.

If you want to know more about me you can CLICK HERE, or HERE .

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Arnold and Annapolis. 410-340-8469

The Impact of Shame And Blame After Trauma

Doubting The Victim

I recently listened to The Anatomy of Doubt, episode #581 of This American Life. The first half of the episode was about Shannon, who was sexually assaulted by a stranger who entered her home through an unlocked door.

Growing up she lived in multiple foster homes and became quite close to two of her foster mothers. After the sexual assault she called these two women and some friends to share what happened. Both mothers chose not to believe her. They told the interviewers that, at the time, they thought she was only trying to get attention. They communicated their doubts to the police too. I don’t want to rehash the entire episode (you can listen to it HERE) but not only did the police close the case without an investigation, they also charged Shannon with filing a false police report.

****SPOILER ALERT****

Years later, when the perpetrator was caught for another sexual assault, investigators found Shannon’s ID and photos taken that night in his apartment. He confessed to stalking and sexually assaulting many women, including her.

Doubting Your Memories

This story has stayed with me. It got me thinking, What is the impact on a trauma survivor when the people you trust don’t trust you? Shannon told the TAL interviewers that she began to doubt her memories. Her two primary supports and the police all implied she was lying. Although she was violated in her own home, she began to question what happened.

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So, how do you overcome a traumatic experience when no one believes you, and this leads you to lose faith in yourself?

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Trauma and PTSD

Traumatic experiences can lead some people to developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Symptoms of PTSD include:

• Nightmares or flashbacks
• Avoiding things that remind you of the experience
• Avoiding social situations
• Distrust of the world and others
• Numbing
• Difficulty sleeping
• Trouble focusing
• Easily startled
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Substance use

Other people might look for ways to avoid thinking or talking about what happened. Unfortunately, avoiding difficult emotions is usually a temporary fix, and can result in anxiety and depression.

You Deserve To Be Heard

You might say, this was one woman’s story—not a common occurrence.

Unfortunately, I can state from professional experience that it happens more often than you think. For years I worked as a crisis counselor for abuse victims at a local hospital. I had the privilege to counsel men, women and children who had experienced sexual assault, domestic violence, vulnerable adult abuse or child abuse during their lifetime.

Many survivors told me that when they disclosed the traumatic experiences to family, friends and/or police, it was suggested that they were lying or were partially to blame for what happened.

Many of those who came away from their traumatic experience feeling they were not supported or believed, later in life struggled with significant mental health and/or substance use issues.

Trauma, PTSD and Resilience

Research suggests that one of the key factors in resilience, or the ability to bounce back from trauma, is having a good support network and strong social connections such as family and friends. Psychiatrist Kathryn M. Connor, MD, wrote about measuring resilience after trauma in an article in The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry. Another protective factor is the ability to call on your past experiences for a reference when facing potential challenges in the future.

According to Dr. Connor, “Resilience has been shown to protect against posttrauma breakdown and may help alleviate an individual’s feelings of helplessness…” and potentially keep them from acquiring chronic PTSD.

It’s difficult enough for survivors to share what happened to them, because they often feel they are somehow to blame, or are shamed by the experience. If you were then questioned about the validity of your disclosure, it makes sense that such doubt would have an impact your ability to move on and heal. It would also affect how you handled any future trauma, making it difficult to trust others in a crisis.

How Counseling Can Help

Survivors of abuse have a lot of obstacles to overcome to move on from the trauma. The survivors I worked with who said their stories were doubted, or were told they were responsible for the traumatic experience often didn’t want to talk about the trauma, and avoided therapy, although they were struggling. Well, no wonder! Who would want to face the prospect of not being believed once again?

That being said, counseling can offer the opportunity to be heard, without judgment. Counseling moves at your pace, and you should never feel forced to talk about something until you’re ready to discuss it.

Counseling can also provide a safe space to explore the trauma while providing strategies for coping and moving forward.

Other Ways Counseling Can Help

Counseling can provide other tools to support healing, through:

• Relaxations skills to stop your mind from racing, and calm your anxiety
• Mindfulness techniques to keep you present in the here and now, instead of worrying about   past and future events
• Body work to help understand the bodymind experience after trauma and improve self-regulation
• Challenging the negative beliefs that undermine your self confidence, and make you feel “less than”
• Art therapy to explore trauma through creativity
• Play Therapy most often for children, to explore trauma through play
• Group Therapy to share common experiences and get support  

Please share your thoughts below.

If you would like more information on how counseling can help you overcome a difficult life experience you can CLICK HERE to learn more about my Annapolis counseling practice. Or CONTACT ME to set up an appointment.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Arnold and Annapolis. 410-340-8469

The Anxious Traveler

Vacation Anxiety

My family recently took an overseas vacation and it got me thinking about the effects of travel on anxiety. Travel is stressful. Many things are beyond our control, and this can trigger anxiety and stress.

Humans And Life Are Messy

The reality is that we can’t control much of anything in our lives except ourselves. We have even less control over situations when traveling with others to an unfamiliar place. Here are a few things that can take control of our vacations in a hurry:

• Each person has a unique travel agenda
• Hunger
• Being tired and cranky
• Getting lost
• Stuff is closed
• Getting caught in the rain and no rain gear because the Weather Channel said there was only a 10 percent chance of precipitation (this happened to us)

During our trip, when it seemed like all of the above messy issues were in play, I began to feel a looming anxiety. My anxiety usually starts in my chest. I feel tightness and then an increased sense of danger or fear. It is uncomfortable, and my first response is to try to figure out how to make it go away. I started thinking of things I could say to make everyone laugh, and to ease the tension. I wanted to try to accommodate everyone’s needs, in order to make them all happy.

How Our Body Reacts to Anxiety

When we’re in a situation that makes us anxious, our brain then goes into protection mode and gets us ready to fight, flee or freeze. The bodily functions that work to keep us safe, and have been around since forever, start cranking. Our heart races, skin gets flushed, breath quickens and muscles tense. Once the process starts it’s harder to get back to an emotional and physical balance.

If you want to know more about the physical affects of anxiety you can read more about it here

And here is an infographic on the body’s response to anxiety.

Using Mindfulness When Life Gets Uncomfortable

Practicing mindfulness can help us to take a step back and check in with ourselves when the anxiety begins. Mindfulness allows us to notice those physical symptoms and gives us a chance to interrupt the cycle.

If we can learn to calm ourselves before the anxiety kicks into high gear, we can maintain emotional balance even in stressful situations.

Allowing your thoughts to come and go like waves on the ocean, mindfulness calms the anxious mind

7 Steps to Help Recognize Anxiety Before It Takes Over

1. Take note of situations that make you anxious
2. Ask yourself, “What is the first sign of my anxiety being triggered?” Often it is a physical response.
3. Pay attention to your physical symptoms, especially if you know the situation would trigger anxiety.
4. When the physical symptoms appear, STOP whatever you are doing.
5. Take a slow deep breath. Take another… and another.
6. Ask yourself in a kind, non-judgmental way, “What’s going on for me, right now?”
7. Acknowledge the situations that are beyond your control.

So, while we were walking down a beautiful street, filled with shops, people and sights I had never seen before—which I was totally missing because I was so caught up in how to make everyone happy—I noticed I was anxious and took a slow, deep breath and asked myself what was going on for me.

In that moment, I realized that although my family was cranky, hungry, and everyone’s needs were not being met, it was not up to me to make each person happy. Not only was it not up to me, but also it was an impossible task!

Learning to Accept the Things We Can’t Control

As I said, our anxiety is triggered by situations where we feel powerless. In reality, we don’t have the power to control most of the stuff in our lives, and that means we have the potential be anxious a lot. The key to managing the anxiety is to be able to acknowledge that we have no control, and that this is OK.

If we can acknowledge that life and humans are messy and imperfect, and understand that we can’t control a lot of what happens, then we can allow events to unfold naturally and this can reduce our anxiety. By letting go of the need to “fix-it” or control it we can be there fully and appreciate what is happening in the moment.

For the rest of the journey I worked to let go of the need to take charge of everyone else’s experiences. To recognize the value of being together as a family, in a beautiful country, and to take note of the good and the stressful times together allowed me to enjoy each moment as it came along, and made for an incredibly memorable experience.

I will be leading mindfulness groups for women beginning in October. If you're interested in signing up, or learning more please drop me a line.

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This blog post was featured in the Health & Fitness section of the Severna Park Voice.

Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Annapolis. 410-340-8469

shhhh, Quiet Down Negative Nelly

Getting Stuck

Often, when I consider doing something outside my comfort zone I start to get anxious, feel a tightness in my chest and I instantly think, “Nope I’m not doing that.” This critical inner voice stops me in my tracks and keeps me from growing personally and professionally. I named this inner voice Negative Nelly.

What Keeps Us Stuck?

• Anxiety?
• Social anxiety?
• Worry?
• Fear of failure
• Fear of rejection?
• Lack of self-confidence?

What Is The Discomfort Telling Us?

Where do these uncomfortable feelings come from? It could be our inner critic—that voice that judges, criticizes, ridicules, tells us how scary life is, focuses on our mistakes, tells us we are "less than." These negative messages alert our instinctual fight, flight, freeze responses. This tells our body there is a potential danger, and we stop, avoid or flee the situation. (Some people push forward but we are not those people.)

The Critical Inner Voice

Our critical inner voice comes from life experiences. Maybe our parents were hypercritical, or our best friend pointed out all the times we lost a game, or we had a verbally abusive partner who found fault in everything we did.  We take those messages from loved ones to heart. But we don’t often recognize that Negative Nelly continues whispering them to us, even when they no longer apply, leading us to feel:

• Sad
• Lonely
• Disconnected
• Afraid
• Unlovable
• Depressed
• Anxious
• Overwhelmed

I could go on and on.

It’s Time To Quiet Your Critic

The wonderful thing is that we don’t have to sit idly by and listen! We can challenge and quiet the inner critic who keeps us stuck. With counseling, we can learn to be mindful and begin to recognize the negative messages, and why we hear them. When we begin to pay attention we can then challenge our unhelpful, negative commentator. We can learn self-compassion and to embrace our imperfections.

4 Steps to Recognize Your Inner Critic

1. Take note of your physical sensations when a new situation or opportunity presents itself.

2.  Sense whether you're feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or stressed out.

3. Pause and take a few slow deep breaths.

4. Ask yourself with curiosity and without judgment, "What is the message my body is telling me?"

• I’m scared.
• I can’t do this because________.
• Others will judge me if I don’t succeed.
• Why try, I will fail.
• I am not worthy.
• I will be rejected.

Respond With Care

As you recognize these negative internal messages you can start to question their validity. Is the threat real? A creepy guy or girl? A physical or emotional harm? If it's your inner critic that’s keeping you from moving forward, respond with care and self-compassion. Then you can begin to challenge your Negative Nelly. It’s not always easy to understand what the inner critic wants us to hear, but meditation and mindfulness can help.

Tara Brach’s R.A.I.N. meditation can help you recognize the negative message and respond with care.

How Do We Get Unstuck?

Feeling uncomfortable is necessary if we want to move decisively towards our goals. Those tasks that make us feel unsettled create new opportunities to push beyond our everyday experiences. You might still feel anxious, scared, or worried in new situations. The key is to be able to put those uncomfortable feelings into perspective and to respond from a positive place. 

It’s Time To Grow

Counseling can help you understand how your inner critic holds you back, how to acknowledge the negative thoughts and find the path towards growth.

Are you ready to move ahead, to makes some changes, to challenge your Negative Nelly, to get unstuck?

Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling, offices in Arnold and Annapolis. 410-340-8469