Handling Holiday Stress When You Don't Feel Like Celebrating

The holidays aren’t always joyous and happy, and the expectation that they should be full of comfort and joy can make you feel more anxious and stressed out. When you’ve lost someone, you’re far from home, your family isn’t supportive, or your memories of past celebrations don’t look anything like the “perfect holiday” portrayed in the media, this time of year can be especially difficult.

There was a time in my late teens - early 20’s that my parents and I didn’t see eye-to-eye (and that’s putting it mildly). I was living at home, dating a guy they hated, and I was pushing boundaries and breaking lots of rules. My relationship with my parents was very strained and they told me I had to move out. I was upset and hurt and I’m sure my parents were too. I decided that I needed to spend time away from my family so I didn’t go home for the holidays for a few years. It was a painful time and really hard. I remember my sister calling me, pleading with me to come home, although she said she understood why I felt I couldn’t. Feeling alone and disconnected I reached out and found support through friends and my sister.

I share this because I understand what it’s like to be alone, to not feel like celebrating, to struggle during the holidays. If you’re having a hard time and wonder how you’ll survive between now and the New Year, connecting with others can help. Connect with friends, partners, counselors, family (if they’re not the ones causing you stress), or your family pet. Instead of focusing on what the perfect holiday should be, making the holidays about connecting and getting support can make a big difference.

If you’d like some other ideas on supporting yourself through the season you can check out the article I wrote for the Severna Park Voice. In it I share some more tips to help you survive when the holidays don’t feel like a celebration.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose.

Photo courtesy of Toa Heftiba for Unsplash.com.

Asking for Help and Setting Boundaries During The Holidays

Over the last few weeks I’ve shared some tips on how to manage holiday stress when you’re feeling overwhelmed. You can see the full post with 30 tips here, and the shorter posts on self-care and how to get organized to reduce your stress, for those who like to consume information in smaller chunks. 

This week I’m sharing tips on how to ask for help and set boundaries over the holidays. For some of us, creating, setting or keeping boundaries can be super hard. We feel guilty about saying no, we help others and often put their needs before our own, we don’t want to be a burden to others when asking for help, and we worry that others will be mad at us if we do say “no.”

Without clear boundaries you might feel underappreciated, irritated with others, taken for granted, anxious, stressed out, and you might not know why you feel overwhelmed with all of these feelings.  

Setting Boundaries Can Reduce Your Anxiety And Stress

Setting limits and creating boundaries allows you to tell others what you want or need without feeling guilty, you feel less burdened and you establish healthier relationships.

Say “no.”

Saying “no” isn’t easy, but saying “yes” to everyone and everything often leads to anxious, overwhelmed, resentful and irritated feelings.

Ask for help.

Asking for help can be difficult for people pleasers. You hope others will know what you want because asking for help feels vulnerable and needy. You might think your partner, friends or family can read your mind, but it’s not likely! The thing is, when you ask friends and family to help take care of the kids, your dog, or whatever it can relieve your stress and anxiety. Expressing what you need also allows others to help you out, and that can make them feel good too.

Manage others’ expectations.

Promising everyone everything they ask for will only lead to you feeling even more overwhelmed. Let your family and friends know your limits and stick to them. You’ll be able to accomplish what you need to do and you’ll feel more productive and empowered.

Let go of perfectionism.

I love Pinterest, but having happy holidays doesn’t mean that you have to try every Pinterest idea to create that “perfect” holiday experience.

Be kind to yourself.

When you forget to order something or forget to be somewhere you were supposed to be, know that you are not alone. Thousands of us out there are forgetting things, too. Instead of beating yourself up, offer yourself some words of comfort and know that you’re human, just like the rest of us.

A good resource to help you in this process is the workbook, Setting Boundaries Without Guilt by Sharon Martin, LCSW.  She writes, when you’re a people pleaser and are always doing for others “you compromise your own needs to make other people happy.”

Counseling can also help you learn how to set healthy boundaries so that you can live your life with more self-confidence and less stress, anxiety and resentment. If you think counseling might be helpful to you call me @410-340-8469 or email me.

Photos courtesy of Ian Schneider and Ellie Lord for Unsplash.com.

Preventing Stress This Holiday Season

Making yourself a priority can be difficult anytime, but it's even harder during the holidays. This week, my post focuses on ways you can take care of yourself while managing the season's craziness. I posted 30-tips to help you make it through New Year's a couple of weeks ago and over the next month I'm breaking it down by topic. Last week’s post provided tips on keeping you organized and your life under control to help you reduce stress and anxiety during the holidays and this week is all about taking care of yourself.

Practice mindfulness

When stress overwhelms you, the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and sensations of the season and the holidays can be soothing. I know that frantic shoppers might not seem very calming, but if you take a deep breath and pay full attention to your senses, your body can relax and you might find something to appreciate in all of the craziness.

Allow feelings, even the icky ones

Let yourself feel your feelings, and know they, too, will pass.

Take time to enjoy the holiday

If we’re caught up in all that needs to be done, we forget why we’re celebrating.

Get a good night’s sleep

A good night's sleep reduces stress, is good for your body, and does wonders for your outlook on the day.

Eat healthy

Your body will thank you. Eating junk food can make you feel lethargic, bloated and uncomfortable.

Take time each day for self-care

Self-care can be as easy as reading for pleasure or taking a walk, just spend some time doing things that nourish your spirit.

Find time to relax

Calming your mind and body can help recharge you for the next task or challenge.

Fit exercise into your to-do list

Burning off that excess energy and stress does wonders for anxiety.

Check in with yourself

When stress and anxiety hits ask yourself, “What do I need in this moment?” and pay attention to those needs. If your body is screaming at you to take a break and relax, then do it!

I hope you have a happy holiday, but sometimes, no matter how much you try to take care of yourself, you still end up feeling overwhelmed, stressed, depressed or anxious. If you’re struggling this holiday season, know that you’re not alone. The holidays can be a very difficult time and therapy can help you talk about what’s bothering you, grieve for those you’ve lost or help you to process the difficult life experiences that keep you from moving forward. 

If you're wondering whether counseling is for you and you would like to talk about it please reach out. 

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC is a therapist in Annapolis helping adults manage their stress and anxiety. She owns and operates Progression Counseling — 410-330-1979.

If you'd like more self-care tips during the holidays check out Laura Reagan's LCSW Therapy Chat Podcast episode #61.

Photos courtesy of Samilla Maioli and Kash Goudarzi for Unsplash.com.

Keeping Anxiety In Check While Keeping Up With The Holidays

The holidays can be a stressful time. Whether you’re hosting an event, attending holiday parties, spending the holiday alone, traveling, or you have a long list of presents to buy, the holidays can create or ramp-up anxiety. Recently, I posted 30 tips to help you survive the season but over the next few weeks I'm breaking them down by topic. This week my tips will help you feel more organized and in control this holiday.

Keeping to-do lists short and can reduce holiday stress

Keep to-do lists short

Limit your lists to items you can realistically accomplish within an allotted time frame. If needed, allow yourself to let some things go. Looking at unfinished items on your list can add to your stress.

Organize your to-do lists by location

If you have three stores to visit, try to group your errands so you’re going to places that are near each other. Or you can organize your trip by the things you need to buy. For instance, if you’re grocery shopping for the week you can also stock up on the non-perishables needed for the holidays like stuffing mix, or turkey broth.

Budget your money realistically to reduce future stress

You don’t want to go into extreme debt trying to create a perfect holiday, only to find you are totally stressed out later because of all the bills.

Budget your time

Set time aside some time to do a little each week. If you put off everything until the last minute, you’re only causing yourself more stress and anxiety.

Focus on the task instead of worrying about what's next

Worrying about what you need to do tomorrow, or the next day, or the next can be paralyzing. Try to stay in the present moment and focus on what you need to do today. “Whatever is going to happen will happen, whether we worry or not.”
― Ana Monnar

When you’re stressed, take a moment to breath deeply a few times

Imagine a soothing presence as you breath in, and a letting go of the stress as you breath out. Focusing on your breath can ground you and help your body relax.

Keep it simple to avoid holiday burn-out

It’s easy to over think things, and get stuck worrying about making everything “just right,” but this can lead to holiday burnout. When deciding what gifts, food, or decorations you need, try not to get too caught up in finding the perfect ______ (you fill in the blank). 

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to avoid or manage the holiday stress and anxiety, it can still overwhelm us. If you're struggling and feel you might need additional support, counseling can help. Counseling provides a safe, supportive, non-judgmental space to talk about what's happening. It also helps you find strategies to manage your stress and anxiety that work for you. Please call or email me if you think therapy might help you manage the stress of the holidays.

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Photo courtesy of Olu Eletu for Unsplash.com.

Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is a licensed therapist who works with high-functioning adults and adolescents experiencing anxiety and stress. She owns and operates Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md.

How to Manage Anxiety Through the Holidays

Having anxiety can be tough on any given day, but it can be worse this season. The holidays create the perfect storm that makes you feel buffeted by emotions, overwhelmed by the mounting waves of to-do lists, and wanting to take shelter to avoid all the stress.

I’ve put together a list of things you can do to help you manage your anxiety and stress through the holidays and into the New Year. There are 30 tips, and you don't have to implement them all at once. If the idea of 30 stress reducing tips stresses you out and makes you want to close your browser right now, take a slow, deep breath. Over the next few weeks I will break these down into more manageable chunks, so that you too can enjoy a less stressful, more enjoyable holiday.

30 Tips for Reducing Holiday Stress

1. Create manageable to-do lists for the day or week. If your to-do list is 50 items long, it’s bound to make you feel more anxious. You want a list that you can actually get done.

2. Organize your to-do lists by location. If you have three stores to visit, try to group your errands so you’re going to places that are near each other.

3. Manage your expectations about how much you can get done each day. Remember, if you’re putting pressure on yourself to get way more done than you realistically can, you’re just adding to your anxiety. Allow yourself to let some things go.

4. Keep your regular sleep habits. Getting a good night’s sleep does wonders for your outlook on the day. It reduces stress and it’s good for your body.

5. Eat healthy. Your body will thank you. Eating junk food can make you feel lethargic, bloated and uncomfortable.

6. Ask for help. You might think your partner, friends or family can read your mind, but it’s not likely! Ask friends and family to help take care of the kids or your dog if you have a long day of working and running errands. Expressing what you need allows others to help out.

7. Let go of perfectionism. I love Pinterest, but having happy holidays doesn’t mean that you have to try every Pinterest idea to create that “perfect” holiday experience.

8. Take time each day for self-care. Self-care can be as easy as taking the time to read for pleasure, just spend some time doing things that nourish your spirit.

9. Find time to relax. Calming your mind and body can help recharge you for the next task or challenge.

10. Budget your money realistically. You don’t want to go into extreme debt trying to create a perfect holiday, only to find you are totally stressed out later because of all the bills.

11. Budget your time. If you put off everything until the last minute, you’re only causing yourself more stress and anxiety.

12. Manage others’ expectations. Promising everyone everything they ask for will only lead to feeling more overwhelmed. Let your family and friends know your limits.

13. Allow yourself to defy tradition. Before you cave in to the pressure of “we’ve always done it that way,” ask yourself if that’s really how you want to do it or if there’s a simpler, less stressful alternative.

14. Say “no.” Saying “no” isn’t easy for many of us. We worry we’ll hurt feelings or make others mad at us, but saying “yes” to everyone usually leads to anxious, overwhelmed, resentful and irritated feelings.

15. Be okay with making some mistakes. Letting perfectionism go can be liberating, but we also need to be kind to ourselves. When you forget to order something or forget to be somewhere you were supposed to be, know that you are not alone. Thousands of us out there are forgetting things, too. Instead of beating yourself up, offer yourself some words of comfort and allow that you’re human.

16. Fit exercise into your to-do list. Burning off that excess energy and stress does wonders for anxiety.

17. Take time to enjoy the holiday. If we’re caught up in all that needs to be done, we forget why we’re celebrating.

18. Practice mindfulness. The sights, sounds, smells, tastes and sensations of the season and the holidays can be soothing. I know that frantic shoppers might not seem very calming, but if you take a deep breath and pay full attention to your senses, your body can relax and you might find something to appreciate in all of the craziness.

19. Try to de-stress while traveling. If you’re driving, instead of getting angry about the traffic, take the time have a conversation with your traveling companion, or listen to your favorite podcast, audio book or playlist.

20. When you’re stressed, take a moment to breath deeply a few times. Imagine a soothing presence as you breath in, and a letting go of the stress as you breath out.

21. Acknowledge that holidays can be SUPER stressful. Just allowing yourself to feel the frustration, or anger, or whatever it is you’re feeling can be liberating.

22. Manage your negative self-talk. If you find you’re constantly reminding yourself of all the mistakes you’ve made, try a little self-compassion. It goes like this, “Yup, I could have done that better, but it’s OK. I made a mistake but we all do and it’s OK.”

23. Be mindful that every family has issues. And your family’s stuff, whatever it might be, will not disappear just because it’s a holiday.

24. Each day, think of one thing you are grateful for and share it with a friend. Feeling gratitude can improve your mood if you’re feeling down.

25. Get a hug(s) each day. Hugs make us feel more connected with ourselves and others. If you live alone, you can hug yourself!

26. Allow feelings, even the icky ones. Let yourself feel your feelings, and know they, too, will pass.

27. Focus on the task in front of you. Worrying about your entire to-do list at once can be paralyzing. As they say, “Eat the elephant one bite at a time.”

28. Communicate with those you love and care for. Telling someone you love them and feeling the love from them can be very nourishing.

29. Before you blow a gasket when stressed or anxious, pause before reacting. Slow down your breathing and think about what you want to say before you say it.

30. Check in with yourself. Ask yourself, “What do I need in this moment?” and pay attention to those needs.

If you feel like you might need some additional support to help you manage your anxiety so you can enjoy the holiday season, please call me at 410-340-8469 or email me.

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Photo credits go to Luis Llerna, Toa Heftiba, Cecil Vedemil and Nathan Anderson for Unsplash.com.

Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is an Annapolis, Md counselor who helps high-functioning men and women manage their anxiety and stress. She owns and operates Progression Counseling.

Stress Relief After Election Day

Today's blog post is a quickie. Regardless of your political affiliation this election season has been filled will stress. tension and negativity.  Post-election I think we all need to take a moment to breathe, relax, and ground ourselves. To go forward with positivism and hope.

Mindful Grounding To Relieve Stress

As I mentioned in my last post, nature can help to clam frazzled nerves, calm anxious minds and ground us in the present. I hope you enjoy listening and watching.

If you're feeling as though you could use some extra help managing your anxiety and stress counseling can help you learn more about what drives your anxiety, and incorporate effective coping and relaxation skills into your daily life. If you'd like to know if counseling might help you, call or email me so we can talk.

How To Use Your Environment To Calm Your Anxiety

I usually spend Sunday as an “off” day. I try not to work on my business or think too much about work. It’s the one day I try to disconnect from work, because on Monday the work week begins and I want to enter it feeling refreshed and ready.

When Your Racing Thoughts Get In The Way

Last Sunday I had trouble letting things go; I was feeling anxious about the week ahead. Thoughts kept popping up that led to other thoughts and, sure enough, soon I was completely distracted and mentally chewing over what I needed to do in the coming week.

I decided to take a walk to clear my head and get some exercise. It was sunny and windy in Annapolis, where I live. Leaves blew and swirled down the street, and the wind whipped my hair around. I like walking because it helps to ground me, and it physically relaxes me. I try to pay attention to what I see, hear, smell and feel while walking.

This Sunday, I was still caught up in thought about half way into my 40-minute walk. I live near the water, so during my walks I always try to pause at a scenic spot to take in the river, the boats the birds — whatever might be present. Just a few minutes of reflecting can really soothe and nourish me.

Being Mindful Of Nature Can Ease Anxious Thoughts

I decided that because my mind was so reactive, I would take some extra time to appreciate where I live and what nature provides. I stood for a minute and a half, allowing the wind to blow against my skin, feeling the sun on my face, listening to the sounds the wind made blowing the rigging of the sailboats, the water lapping at the shore and the leaves as they rustled in the wind. That minute and a half calmed my mind and allowed me to continue on my walk without my head full of work. I decided to capture some of it on video because I wanted to share how alive and nourishing the environment can be. You can watch the 30-second video below.

I hope you enjoyed the short video and will consider using mindful presence to help ease your stress, to help you feel grounded and to help you become more aware of the world around you.

If your stress or anxiety makes it too hard to get out of your head and into the present moment, maybe counseling can help. Counseling provides an opportunity to talk about your stressors in an accepting compassionate space; it helps you to recognize your triggers and allows you to see a future where stress and anxiety no longer rule your life.

Mindfulness groups start in October with early bird pricing happening now. If you’d like to talk about how therapy or mindfulness might help you, please call me at 410-340-8469 or email me.

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose.

How To Start Connecting When You’re Anxious

In my last post, I told the story of a friend who’s been struggling with anxiety and depression, and who found that connecting with others had a meaningful positive impact on her mood. Humans are social beings, so connecting with others is vital to positive mental health. The problem is, when you feel down or anxious, it’s hard to get motivated or to make yourself reach out.

Some Reasons Anxiety Keeps Us Disconnected

When we feel anxious or depressed, negative thoughts can get in the way of making connections. We might tell ourselves:

• “I don’t want to be a burden to others.”
• “I should be able to handle my problems on my own.”
• “Asking for help is a sign of weakness.”
• “I might get rejected.”
• “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

The problem is that the longer we stay disconnected, the longer we feel isolated, lonely and sad. It becomes a negative cycle: “I’m not reaching out because I’m sad and anxious, and I’m sad and anxious because I’m not reaching out.” Like the chicken and the egg, it’s hard to say which comes first. Either way, it becomes a negative loop.

When Anxious, Start Small: 3 Tips for Making Connections

My clients will often say that they’re introverts, so connecting with others doesn’t come easily. I usually suggest that they start small and in ways that feel most comfortable and natural for them.

Here are a few tips to help you get started:

• Connect with friends you’ve lost touch with, such as college roommates, old work buddies or family members you haven’t seen in a while. Give yourself a modest goal to call or meet up with a friend or family member once a week. Re-connecting with someone can be easier and more comfortable than trying to start up a conversation with someone you barely know.
• Volunteer or get more involved in an activity that you enjoy. It’s easier to connect with people who have similar interests. If you love hiking, taking photos, playing soccer, running, supporting the homeless, working with the infirm or elderly, dogs, cats or all animals, you can get involved in a wide variety of related activities. You can go online to find Meet-up groups of people in your area who share your hobbies and interests. Pet shelters, hospitals, homeless shelters and elder care facilities are always looking for volunteers. The nice thing about all of these activities is that you only commit to what you have time to do.
• When going to a large social event, remember that you only need to connect with one person at a time. You don’t have to talk to everyone. Connecting with an individual is a lot less stressful than thinking about all the people you don’t know. Practicing conversations and your responses before you go can help ease your anxious feelings. In an article called “The Introverts Guide to Connecting,” author Maribeth Kuzmeski suggests, “Anticipate how people might react to what you say. Rehearse conversations in advance. Develop a vision for yourself and how you’d like to change.”

Connect One-on-One With a Counselor

Sometimes even the steps above can be difficult when you’re struggling with anxiety and depression. This is where counseling can help. Working one-on one with a counselor can be a less threatening step toward connecting with others, understanding that you’re not alone and being heard with openness and empathy. If you’d like more information on how counseling can help you reconnect with your life, please call me at 410-340-8469.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is a counselor in Annapolis, Md. She owns and operates Progression Counseling.

How Connection Can Help Ease Anxiety

In a recent blog post, I shared my own struggle with anxiety. Afterward, people gave me a lot of great feedback, and a few shared their own personal stories about their struggles with anxiety. I got permission from a friend to share her story so that others might be able to gain some insight from her experience. Although her story is uniquely hers, I have experienced similar feelings, as have many of my clients.

Anxiety Can Leave You Feeling Disconnected

My friend has battled anxiety and depression for some time. She’s been doing all the right things — seeing her primary care doctor, using medication and going to counseling. She said she also tries things like “getting a massage, taking time to journal, reading self help books and listening to CDs about happiness, joy, guided imagery, affirmations, mindfulness etc.”

All of these things were helpful in the moment. She said she would be left with “fleeting moments of feeling uplifted and then fall right back to feeling overwhelmed by life, anxious and depressed.”

The thing about anxiety and depression is that they can take over your life on many levels. For example, when you’re feeling down or overly stressed, it’s hard to reach out for help; in turn, this can leave you feeling isolated, as if you’re alone with your struggle. Even though you might see co-workers, chat by text, or connect on Facebook, feeling disconnected can stop you from reaching out in meaningful ways to the people in your life who matter most — your partner, your best friend, your college roommate… You fill in the blank.

As for my friend, she had slowly lost touch with the people in her life she felt the most connected to. One of her friends was busy with her own issues, so she was no longer as available as she had been, leaving my friend feeling even more disconnected. “I was hit with the fact that my support system had become WAY too small, and her ‘disappearance’ really left me floundering.”

Reconnection Can Help Ease Anxious Feelings

Many studies have shown that a sense of being disconnected can lead to feelings of loneliness, alienation and a lack of purpose. The authors of a study published in the January 2015 issue of Psychology in the Schools found that that students with anxiety are at significant risk of loneliness, which can then lead to depression. The good news is that connectedness has been found to help protect against depression.

My friend sought counseling. When she continued to fall back into her anxious and depressive feelings, she and her counselor realized that she was missing the kind of human connection that allowed her to feel heard and supported.  Together, they came up with a plan and homework for her to reach out to people she’d lost touch with.

My friend said, “the reconnection has been a real lift” for her and the friends she reached out to. She decided to make more of an effort to talk to her friends more regularly. She plans to continue to reach out to old friends and work toward building new meaningful relationships. For the moment she is feeling optimistic. “I have been impressed with how much better I feel after a meaningful 15-minute conversation.”

Do you have a story to share about your journey with anxiety? Please share your comments below.

If you are feeling disconnected, anxious and in need of support, please call me at 410-340-8469 for a free 15-minute consultation.

Photos by Abi Lewis and Priscilla Westra for unsplash.com

Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is a counselor in Annapolis, Md. She owns and operates Progression Counseling.

My Struggle With Anxiety

This blog post was featured in the November editions of the Severna Park Voice.

Dealing with mental health issues can be hard. You often feel alone, isolated — like no one understands what you’re going through. The reality is, a lot of people struggle. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that in 2014, 18.1 percent of all adults in the United States suffered from some type of mental illness. I thought that I’d share my own experience with anxiety to let you know that you are not alone.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life. Up until my late 40s, I didn’t call it anxiety. I called it stress, or I’d say I was overwhelmed. So what if the same things got me stressed and overwhelmed, over and over again? Later, as I learned more about anxiety, I understood that those things that made me anxious were called triggers.

Some of my triggers included:

• Holidays
• Traveling to unknown places
• Staying somewhere that wasn’t home
• When things didn’t go the way I expected
• When I felt like I was failing, or couldn’t figure something out
• Unplanned events, like being asked to go somewhere at the last minute
• Being with a group of people I didn’t know very well
• Making phone calls

I could probably think of more examples, but you get the idea. When I wasn’t in control, when things weren’t “perfect,” I got anxious. Anxiety presented itself in ways I thought were just a part of my personality. I got really cranky leading up to things that made me anxious, like those listed above. I snapped at my family. I became obsessed with the details — everything had to be “just so” to make me feel somewhat at ease. I avoided situations and events that felt threatening. I’m pretty sure I lost some friends when my kids were little, because I was happier being at home where I could handle any emergency than I was hanging out with them. Later, when the kids were older, I felt uneasy when they weren’t at home. I’d also make my husband call for pizza or answer the phone.

I realize now that anxiety had a greater impact on my life than I was willing to recognize. If someone had asked me examine how anxiety or stress was affecting my day-to-day experiences, I might have gotten help sooner!

Managing Anxiety Day-To-Day

I’ve worked with counselors on and off throughout my life, and it’s been very helpful. (Yes, lots of counselors also get counseling.) These days, my anxiety usually pops up when I have significant transitions in my life. Counseling helped me identify my triggers, so I can start paying attention and begin to relax my body before the anxiety kicks into full gear. In addition to counseling, I also read a lot and learned about anxiety — what causes it, how it presents itself both physically and emotionally, and how to manage it better.

Here are some strategies that have helped me manage my anxiety:

• Using grounding techniques to refocus myself when situations make me anxious
• Practicing mindful meditations
• Taking care of myself and recognizing my needs
• Being more present in the moment instead of worrying about the past or future
• Practicing self-compassion

My struggle with anxiety pushed me to learn about more about it — the causes, how it shows up in my clients’ lives, and how to help those who grapple with anxiety manage it more effectively. Providing a calm, non-judgmental space for my clients to share their story is the first step.

Managing Anxiety Is An Ongoing Process

Anxiety is a normal response to threats, so it doesn’t just disappear. Different situations will continue to trigger my anxiety, so I have to keep working at managing it. The good news is, I’m more aware of the impact of anxiety when I let it take control, and I recognize what is happening. Now, anxiety no longer rules my life. It’s taken a backseat, where it belongs.

If you’d like help managing your anxiety or stress, call me at 410-339-1979 for a free 15-minute phone consultation.

Photos by Mike Wilson and Averie Woodard from Unsplash.com.

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Elizabeth Cush, LCPC is a therapist and the owner of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md. She helps busy, overwhelmed men and women manage their anxiety and stress so they can live their lives with more ease, contentment and purpose. If you'd like to know more about how individual and group therapy can help ease anxiety and stress call me 410-339-1979. 

5 Expert Tips On How To Add Self-Care Into Your Life

Part 3 in a Series: Over-stressed and Overwhelmed — We’re Not Taking Care Of Ourselves

Making self-care a priority isn’t easy — but it’s critical to our well-being. My last two posts offered insights from experts on why self-care is so important and why women seem to struggle with self-care. Several of my colleagues talked about the negative consequences that we can experience if we don’t take care of ourselves. So the question remains: How can we make self-care a part of daily life, without adding stress to our life, or our to-do list? Here’s some suggestions:

Take a moment each day to simply pause and feel peace. In that moment, be aware of the breath, maybe close the eyes, find a smile on the face and feel it in the heart. Just simply pause... and feel peace. — Julie Blamphin, Stretch Your Spirit, Annapolis, Md.

Hug someone you love — more than once a day, if possible. (Pets count!!) Hugs. They heal. They connect. They remind you what it feels like to receive support. They remind you that you're not alone. They release oxytocin and serotonin: aka The Cuddle Drugs. They make you want to get closer and they make you feel a part of something cozy, and warm, and LOVE. Hugs are the physical manifestation of love. And as a Self Proclaimed LoveGeek, I advocate for more love, always. — Robyn D’Angelo, LMFT, The Happy Couple Expert, Laguna, Calif.

Mindfully check in with yourself, intentionally, at multiple points throughout each day. Use your breath to connect with your inner self and ask, what do I need? Then wait and listen. The first dozen times I did this, I would receive an answer and immediately discount it, thinking, “That can't be it.” But it was! It might be as simple as '” need water” or “I need to go to the bathroom.” It can be surprising to realize how often we simply ignore those basic needs that our body tries to tell us to attend to. — Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, Therapy Chat Podcast, Severna Park, Md.

Pay attention to things you are already doing that could be transformed into self-care. If you are already feeling overwhelmed, do not feel like you have to add more things onto your plate. Rather than wolfing down your lunch at your desk, actually enjoy and savor your food. If you’re in the car, put on music that you love listening to rather than surfing the radio stations getting frustrated. Look for opportunities to connect and enjoy your experiences that are already present. — Agnes Wainman, Ph.D., C. Psych., London Psychological Services, London, Ontario

Incorporate micro self-care into your day. Taking care of yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go on a weekend spa retreat (although that sounds amazing). Micro self-care means adding small, regular habits into your daily routine that allow you to feel re-energized, more balanced and better able to cope with your day. In an article on micro self-care in Psychotherapy Networker, Ashley Davis Bush, points out that a one-minute grounding exercise, such as listening awareness or breath awareness, at the beginning or in the middle of your day can help keep your focus on the here and now, and you’ll worry less about what’s next. — Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC, Progression Counseling, Annapolis, Md.

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You can also listen to the Therapy Chat Podcast Episode #50 where more therapists share their personal favorite self-care tips.

I hope you’ve found this series on self-care to be helpful. If you’d like some support as you make self-care a greater priority in your life, call me for a free 15-minute phone consultation at 410-340-8469.

Photo by Freestock and Daniela Cuevas, for Unsplash.com

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is an Annapolis counselor who works to help people manage their stress and anxiety. She owns and operates Progression Counseling in Annapolis, MD.

Why Do Women Struggle With Self-Care?

 Part 2 in a Series: Over-Stressed and Overwhelmed —We're Not Taking Care Of Ourselves

Recently, two different female clients told me that they couldn’t fit self-care into their schedule. I think everyone struggles with making self-care a priority, but I also believe that many women make caring for others a priority.  Doing so makes them prime targets for burn-out, added stress, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps it’s because I am a woman, or because I talk to female friends about this more frequently than I do with male friends, but it seems to me that women in particular struggle more than men when making self-care a priority.  For me, when life is crazy, self-care is the first thing that drops from my to-do list.

Is it genetics? Societal factors? Where did we learn that we should care for others before we care for ourselves? In my last post, several colleagues offered their thoughts on the importance of self-care. I asked some of them, and some others, about why women seem to struggle more with self-care.

Experts Offer Perspectives

Julie Blamphin, a registered yoga teacher, and owner of Stretch Your Spirit in Annapolis, MD, says, “We live in a culture that sometimes tells us that if we put Self before all others, it means that we’re narcissistic, egocentric, or downright selfish. So many of us women shy away from shining our light fully bright. We instead focus that light upon caring for others.”

When we put the focus on others instead of ourselves we can lose track of who we are, what our priorities are, and can lead us to feel unfulfilled, or living our life for others. Blamphin says that when we neglect our needs, our energy becomes imbalanced. This imbalance shows up in our life as:

• Insomnia
• Anger
• Illness
• Addiction
• Pain
• Resentment
• A general sense of grumpiness

Agnes Wainman, Ph.D., C. Psych., of London Psychological Services in London, ON, agrees that our culture’s expectations and perceptions can play a role in women’s priorities. She says, “Women are often expected to take care of others and to put their own needs below others. Self-care is often seen as being selfish or indulgent. We often think of self-care as extravagant — like weekends at the spa. We may feel guilty for taking time for ourselves.”

Laura Reagan, LCSW-C , a Severna Park, MD therapist, and creator/host of the Therapy Chat podcast, agrees that our culture plays a big role in our quest to put others’ needs before our own, but believes that other factors also impact how we care for ourselves. “If we grew up receiving praise for being quiet, nice, responsible and helping around the house, we associate those behaviors with being ‘a good girl.’ If no one attended to our emotional needs we learned to ignore them as well,” she says. “The problem is, if our own emotional needs were neglected by our caregivers in childhood and we continue to ignore our own emotional and physical needs in adulthood by neglecting our own self care, we are re-enacting the neglect we experienced in childhood. This eventually catches up with us, either with our bodies shutting down or having an emotional breakdown — what many people call a ‘midlife crisis’. 

We certainly want to avoid the dissatisfaction, the physical symptoms and the behaviors that accompany self-neglect.  

So how can we make self-care a part of our daily life, without adding to our stress, or our to-do list?

My next post will offer five tips for making self-care easier. In the meantime, if you’d like help reducing stress and making self-care a greater priority in your life, call me for a free 15-minute consultation at 410-340-8469!

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is an Annapolis counselor who works to help people manage their stress and anxiety. She owns and operates Progression Counseling in Annapolis, MD.

Photos by Benjamin Child and Alex Hockett for Unsplash.com

Over-Stressed and Overwhelmed — We're Not Taking Care Of Ourselves

Why Is Self Care So Hard?

Part 1 in a Series: Over-Stressed and Overwhelmed: We’re Not Taking Care of Ourselves

Recently, my husband and I were both ill — fortunately, not at the same time. When he became ill, I took time off from work, without thinking twice. I rescheduled my clients. I kept him company while he was in the hospital, and I brought him take-out food so he didn’t have to eat the gross food from the cafeteria.

After he was discharged from the hospital, I got sick. I had stomach pains that kept me up all night and lasted for three days. It was hard to eat, my body ached, I was exhausted, and I felt terrible.

If someone had asked me what I’d do if I got sick, I’m sure I would say, “I’d take time off to care for myself.” But that’s not what I did. I went to work! I suffered through the first two days, feeling miserable. I’m sure I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by being there and feeling terrible.

Only after I’d struggled through the week, and gone to see my doctor, did I ask myself why I didn’t take better care of myself. How is it I that can tell my clients how important self-care is, yet I can’t stay home when I’m sick?

I talked to a friend who offered her own example. She noted that her intentions were always good, and at times she made self-care a priority. For her, that meant doing yoga every day. But as life her got busier, more stressful and overwhelming, her daily yoga became weekly yoga, and now she said she struggles to fit that in. 

Why do we find it so hard to care for ourselves? Why, when we need it the most — when we’re stressed, burdened and overwhelmed — does self-care go to the bottom of the list, particularly for so many women? I struggled to answer these questions, so I asked a few therapists and healers for their thoughts. This is the first in a series of posts with their insights into the importance of self-care, why women struggle with self-care and how to take better care of ourselves.

Why Is Self-Care Important?

When asked about the benefits of self-care, more than person has said to me, ‘They tell you to put on your oxygen own mask before helping the person next to you for a reason.”  If we aren’t caring for ourselves then what good are we to the people in our lives whom we care about?

Read what my colleagues have to say about why self-care matters so much:

“Self Care is important to me because I don't do it enough and I really hate the consequence of that. As a helper, healer, and hopeful - I am wired to support, give to and guide others. Which means, all that giving does two things:

1. Leaves little or no room for receiving
2. Reminds me of my purpose

These two things don't sound astronomically horrible, but as a woman, I struggle to hold space for both. I try and remind myself that setting myself on fire just to provide light to others is not the best way to live.”

— Robyn D’Angelo, LMFT,  The Happy Couple Expert,  Laguna, CA,

“I used to think self-care was important because I can't be a good wife and mother if I am not taking care of myself. Now I realize that I deserve to have my own needs met just so I can be a healthy and happy human being, aside from my roles of caretaking for others as a mother, wife and therapist. I am worthy of love and attention just simply because I'm alive, and I have needs that must be met so I can function.”

— Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, Therapy Chat Severna Park, MD

“Self-care is an activity or practice that gives to us rather than takes from us. It may give us a time to rest, a time to connect with ourselves, a time to invest in our own physical and emotional well-being. Self-care is the fuel for our coping tank.”

— Agnes Wainman, Ph.D., C. Psych., London Psychological Services, London, Ontario

My next post will examine why women seem to have a hard time making self-care a priority. If you’d like help managing your stress and making self-care a greater priority in your life, call me for a free 15-minute consultation at 410-340-8469.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is an Annapolis Counselor who works to help people manage their stress and anxiety. She owns and operates Progression Counseling in Annapolis.

Photos by: Elizabeth Lies & Drew Coffman- unsplash.com

Dealing With The Physiological Components of Anxiety

My guest blogger this week is Marcus Clarke. He lives in the UK and regularly blogs at psysci.co, a psychology, science and health blog that examines the latest research and explains how findings can impact and help individuals’ everyday lives. In Biz's Blog this week, Marcus explores some practical, every day things we can do to help manage anxiety.

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Anxiety like many mental illnesses is seen as invisible. An anxiety sufferer can sometimes even pass as calm and collected on the outside at parties or social gatherings, without appearing anxious externally.

This is common with mental illnesses, and because it is a mental illness, it makes sense to treat the psychological aspects of the ailment. This is where CBT or other types of therapy sessions are usually prescribed.

But according to countless research studies, a big part of getting over anxiety or even a specific anxiety disorder, is to consider the physiological aspects of recovery. It's been proven that the food you put into your body, your level of physical activity and the nutrients you supplement with all play a part in treating anxiety conditions.

In this article we’ll briefly examine some of the physiological aspects that people suffering from anxiety may want to investigate further.

What Are The Best Supplements For Anxiety?

There are a few key vitamin and mineral supplements to consider when treating anxiety. These supplements target the nervous system and are vital for repairing nerve damage. Here are the top supplements for treating anxiety as recommended by Reader's Digest Best Health:

• Magnesium is vital for proper nerve and muscle function and bone health. A fact to know about magnesium is that our bodies use up magnesium stores excessively during periods of stress, so an anxiety sufferer has naturally low magnesium levels that must be supplemented daily.
• B-vitamins, there are eight different B-vitamins that each play an important role in maintaining the functioning of the nervous system. They are also important in protecting and repairing damage done to nerves as well as the myelin sheath in the brain.
• Vitamin D Vitamin D is effective against depression and depression induced anxiety. Vitamin D is also important for immunity, bone health and heart health.
• Omega 3 is found in fresh, oily fish like salmon and mackerel. These fatty acids are essential for optimal brain health and reduce/control inflammation in the brain brought on by excessive stress

Adding one or more of these supplements to your diet may help improve the presentation of anxiety in the instance that you are deficient in that particular vitamin either due to poor diet, lack of natural sunlight or because of another bodily reason.

Avoiding The Right Things When It Comes To Your Diet

There are common allergens that may contribute to anxiety and anxiety disorders. It has been suggested by several studies that dairy and particularly gluten can directly affect mental health, eliminating one or both of these has had a positive effect for some people, but this is likely to be very person specific. 

Sugar is another culprit, although it does not directly affect anxiety, it does put the body in a weaker state making it more difficult to fight anxiety symptoms. For example, a study undertaken in 2008 describes rats having an imbalance in dopamine levels after bingeing on sugar which led to increased levels of anxiety seen in the rats.

Increased sugar consumption causes an impairment in thought processes, lethargy and a sick feeling which can mimic anxiety. This is why it's recommended to lay off at least high amounts of sugar when treating anxiety.

It is important to consume a healthy, balanced diet when treating anxiety, and to highlight fruits, vegetables, lean meats and whole grains over heavy and rich dairy products, sugar, meat products and caffeine.

How Can Physical Activity Contribute To The Treatment of Anxiety?

The University of Minnesota recommends those experiencing anxiety to increase their daily physical activity in order to see improvements in their anxiety symptoms. It especially recommended to try mindful activities such as yoga or qigong in order to calm the nervous system while exercising.

In addition to being one of the best stress relievers around, exercise can bring the anxiety sufferer a new level of self-confidence, self-esteem and feeling of empowerment that will contribute positively to the sufferer's condition.

It is also recommended to participate in an exercise program where you are socializing and meeting lots of new people - this added social aspect has also been connected with reduced anxiety in some cases.

Is It Possible To Cure Anxiety In Your Sleep?

Getting adequate sleep is one of the most important steps you can take for better mental health as well as general health. The University of Minnesota has found “that sleep-deprived people have a much stronger tendency to classify neutral images as “negative,” so that even everyday items can seem more menacing and contribute to anxiety.” Sleep has a direct effect on your brain, and the neurotransmitters that support mood are replenished with sleep.

You may have heard of circadian rhythms. The “Circadian clock” is how your body knows what time it is, it is controlled by specialized cells in the hypothalamus that regulates levels of melatonin and cortisol while the subject is sleeping. A study published in 2015 demonstrated correlations between circadian rhythms and anxiety and found that those with high levels of anxiety showed interruptions in sleep pattern and fluctuations in their circadian rhythm.

In order to make the best of your shut eye, and regulate your circadian rhythm, there are a few things you can do. Making sure to go to bed at a reasonable hour, getting at least 7-10 hours a night, adjusting bedroom to a cooler temperature (65F or lower), exercising and eating a healthy diet will all contribute to restful sleep that has shown to reduce symptoms of anxiety.

If you are afflicted with anxiety it can be confusing and difficult to know how to start treating it.

The truth is, is that there is a whole spectrum of treatment options available. Exercise, diet, supplements and sleep are only a few among many. Looking at anxiety from a physiological perspective will hopefully empower people take action on a complex mental illness as well as start looking at anxiety as a holistic condition that is dependant on many different factors whether they be physiological, environmental, emotional or mental.

There's no right way to begin an anxiety treatment, as long as you're starting somewhere you are on the right track.

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Photos by Kevin Curtis and Dan Gold from Unsplash.com

Elizabeth Cush, MA,LGPC, is an Annapolis counselor helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling has offices in Annapolis.  Call 410-340-8469.

3 Easy Ways To Bring More Mindfulness Into Your Life

What is Mindfulness And How Does It Help?

Mindfulness has made a lot of headlines recently, as researchers explore its benefits. When I first learned about it, I thought that you had to go on a retreat and live in silence for weeks at a time to become mindful. In reality, mindfulness just means paying attention to what is here and now, instead of constantly thinking about the past or future events. Jon Kabat-Zinn, the father of the mindfulness movement in the United States, described mindfulness as, “the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment by moment.”

Here are a few areas where research has shown that mindfulness can help:

• Anxiety and stress
• Addictive behaviors, such as binge eating, and drug and alcohol abuse
• Pregnancy complications
• PTSD symptoms
• Quality of life

You can learn more about the research on mindfulness here.

How Mindfulness Has Helped Me

I’ve found that mindfulness helps reduce the stress, and anxiety that comes with everyday living. It has also helped me:

• Be more present and attentive when listening to others
• Be more aware of my immediate surroundings, like seeing the sunlight coming through the window, or feeling a breeze on my face
• Feel more grateful for what is, instead of worrying about what might be

How To Practice Mindfulness In 3 Easy Steps

If you worry a lot, you feel like your mind is stuck in the “on” position, or you just want to bring more mindful attention to your life try these easy ways to bring mindfulness into daily living:

1. Pick one daily activity to pay mindful attention to. Pick something that takes only a few minutes to complete, such as brushing your hair or teeth, putting on make-up, taking a shower, watering your plants, or patting your dog or cat. Intentionally, pay close attention to what you see, hear, smell, feel and taste for whatever activity you chose. And do this each day for a week — or more!
2. Take three minutes, a few times a day, to listen attentively. First focus on sounds in the room- a clock ticking, a phone ringing.... Then broaden your attention to the sounds outside the room, you might hear someone talking or a door closing. Lastly, broaden your attention even further and listen for sounds outside your home. Maybe you hear a dog barking, fire engines going by, or the wind blowing. Then gradually bring your attention back to where you are. You can do this with your eyes open, with a softened gaze, or closed.
3. Be kind to yourself at least once a day. We are so hard on ourselves, especially when we make mistakes. This can cause a lot of stress. Instead,when you make a mistake, or are struggling with something, consider what you would say to a good friend who is struggling. And then say that to yourself, with compassion.

If you would like to more ideas on how to become more mindful, or how mindfulness can ease your stress and anxiety check out Biz's Blog, listen to my guided meditations, or call me at 410-340-8469 for a free 15-minute phone consultation.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis counselor helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling has offices in Arnold and Annapolis.  Call 410-340-8469.

Photos by: Tim Bogdanov and Andrew Pons @ unsplash.com

Healthy Couples Share A Magical Skill: Reflection

This week I am honored to share a guest post by Rebecca Wong, LCSW-R. She is a relationship therapist in New York's Hudson Valley. Conflict in a relationship is never easy, and it can create stress, or make us feel anxious. Rebecca tells us that instead of blindly arguing about the same things again and again we can be more mindful, so that we can learn from the argument and reconnect with our partners. Read the steps and watch the short video below to see how the process works. Let me know what you think in the comments below!

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You know THAT fight that you have over and over again with your mate? The ugly one. The one that really prickles under your skin? What if I told you that this fight holds the secret to deepening your connection? Would you think I was nuts?

I'm guessing you might. Many of the couples I work with do too. Well, they think it’s a crazy idea until I walk them through the process. Watch this brief video and skim the text below to learn these deceptively simple steps.

Step one: Slow down to notice and your patterns. And allow this moment of reflection to come when it can. Be gentle on yourself and open to it. It may come five days later or it may be 5 minutes later or it maybe five minutes into the fight.

Step two: Notice what you‘re feeling and what you needed.

Step three: Name those feelings and needs to one another at a time when you both feel calmer. Whether one of you initiated the process, or if you made it a point to observe your patterns together, what's crucial is that you discuss this process and open a discussion.

Step four: This is your individualized prescription for what your relationship needs to thrive. Allow those needs and feelings to open your awareness. Now you are starting to see the pattern and also see what you can do differently.

Step five: Be kind to yourself and each other. This is vulnerable relationship work. It takes practice and patience. It requires above all else, the challenging work of being able to see yourself, your feelings and needs, and own them, ask for them, stand in your truth. And while you are doing that, also open to and be influenced by your partner's efforts to do the same.

Ok, so I understand how it’s easy to give you step-by-step instructions. Let me show you how it works by sharing an example from my own relationship:

I’m someone who processes things at a deep level; my husband tends to keep it light. When we are mindful of this pattern we can create balance and adapt to meet one another. But when the two of us aren’t tuning into our feelings, we miss out on the discussions about our needs. And then, instead of connecting, we miss each other.

I mean that literally -  we miss each other and we each start feeling lonely even when together. And this is exactly what the couples I work with share with me too. They feel unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. Just like I do when I pull away from my husband and when he pulls away from me.

The “magic” is in noticing your feelings.

When you notice the lonely feeling, just as when you notice the patterns that show up in your arguments, these are actually a new opportunities.These opportunities show up every time you tune into your feelings. When you notice you are missing one another you’re actually holding the magical potion in your hand. The noticing is the ingredient that enables you to reconnect. By tuning into your feelings. By bringing your awareness to your pattern.

It takes practice and it is a practice.

It is a practice that works because it refocuses you on your feelings and helps you ask for what you need. What you need often isn’t more distance, it’s connection. In these moments of reflection you’ll discover your own unique prescription for how to deepen your relationship so you both feel seen, heard and understood. So that you rediscover one another.

Have I inspired you to delve a teensy bit deeper into reflecting on your relationship’s patterns? Sign up for the invite list for the {Re}Spark audio course. In this upcoming audio course you’ll have a chance to dive into these ideas in a dynamic, experiential way.

Rebecca Wong, LCSW-R is a relationship therapist and consultant in private practice in New York's Hudson Valley where she lives with her husband, two children, and a few four legged mischief makers. She is the creator of Connectfulness, a relationship practice that she uses to help her clients and colleagues understand, manage, and value their own humanity as a tool to connect to themselves and all of the important people in their lives. She believes that our relationships are reflections of who we really are and every interaction is an opportunity for evolution. Every day she embraces life as a beautiful, messy, serendipitous adventure. Learn more about Rebecca and her work at Connectfulness.com

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis counselor helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling has offices in Arnold and Annapolis.  Call 410-340-8469.

Don't Judge Me, I'm Anxious

This blog post was featured in the Severna Park Voice, September issue.

Judging Others

In my last post, Coming Together When We’re Coming Apart, I discussed how automatically judging others can add stress to our lives. It also impacts how we view the world. In this week’s post I’ll examine how our anxiety, self-esteem and self-worth are affected when we feel others judge us.

Feeling Judged Creates Anxiety

When we get nervous about going somewhere unfamiliar, or meeting new people, sometimes our thoughts go right to the worst possible scenario: What if I don’t fit in? What if they don’t like me?  What if I make a fool of myself? This projection creates anxiety. We start to believe that the people we don’t know will judge us by what we wear, or what we say or how we behave. I’ve struggled with this at times in my life, and so have many of my clients at Progression Counseling.

Some common statements that I hear from clients who get overwhelmed with the worry of being judged are:

• I can’t try new things because I might mess up.
• If I say “No,” everyone will be mad at me.
• If anyone knew that my kids were struggling in school or in sports, they’d blame me.
• I can’t believe I made that mistake. My co-workers now think I don’t know what I’m doing.
• I feel so stupid! I tripped on the curb and everyone laughed at me!
• I can’t share my struggles with the other parents because they’ll all think I’m a terrible parent.
• I’m overwhelmed emotionally, but asking for help makes me seem weak, or vulnerable.

When Anxiety Feels Overwhelming

When we assume that others are thinking negative things about us, it increases our stress and anxiety. Our brain now thinks we are under attack. As a result, the stress chemicals and hormones start pumping, so we feel like the attack is real. These physical and emotional responses increase our anxiety and stress, often leaving us feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Not only do we feel bad about ourselves when we feel judged, but it can lead us to feel negatively toward others too. If we feel that we are constantly under attack by the people in our lives, it can put us on the defensive.  So we disengage, ignore, or avoid them before we ever find out what they really think.

Negative Self-Talk: Our Inner Critic

We might even begin to feel bad about ourselves. If we always believe that others are judging us we might begin to internalize those negative thoughts. Or maybe the judgment you feel from others is really only what you’re telling yourself.  If your internal voice, or your inner critic, berates you for making mistakes, tells you you’re stupid, or constantly replays past events looking for a different outcome, perhaps it’s time to pay closer attention and challenge the negativity.

4 Steps To Keep Your Anxious Thoughts In Check:

1. Begin by paying attention to the negative, judgmental thoughts you are attributing to those around you.
2. When you notice a judgmental thought, take three slow deep breaths and ask yourself, “What evidence do I have that they think bad things about me?” Maybe it’s a facial expression, or they sighed loudly, or they have a smile on their face, or they seem unengaged.
3. Take another slow deep breath and with curiosity and compassion, think about the alternative stories that might have caused their behaviors. Maybe they’re having a really bad day, maybe they’re exhausted because they didn’t sleep, maybe they think you’re someone they want to know better, or maybe they have a lot on their minds.
4. Once you’ve come up with other possible explanations for their behaviors, check in with yourself. If you’re still feeling anxious take a few more deep breaths and ask yourself if it’s time to challenge your inner critic.

If you are struggling with anxiety, stress, or feeling emotionally overwhelmed or you would like help quieting your inner critic, you can call me for a free 15-minute consultation.

Elizabeth Cush, MA, LCPC, is an Annapolis therapist helping people manage their stress and anxiety. Progression Counseling has offices in Arnold and Annapolis.  Call 410-340-8469.

Image by Jamie Brown at Unsplash.com

Using Mindfulness to Stop Anxious Overthinking

I am honored to share a guest blog by Sharon Martin, LCSW this week. She is a therapist, author and prolific blogger! She shares strategies on using mindfulness to calm the over-stressed, overt-anxious, overwhelmed mind. Sharon has a private practice in Campbell, CA where she specializes in helping perfectionists and people pleasers embrace their imperfections. You can her Happily Imperfect blog on Psych Central.

One of the symptoms of anxiety is “overthinking” or ruminating. Once your brain latches onto a worry, it’s hard to break free of it. You can easily get caught in a thought loop where you replay every bad outcome you can imagine. This, of course, isn’t useful. We all know that worrying doesn’t prevent bad things from happening.

8 Mindfulness Strategies To Ease Worry

Using these 8 simple and mindful strategies can help you reduce rumination and worry. Staying in the present moment, rather than in the future, is an effective way to manage anxiety.

1. Change the scenery. Get up and move yourself to a different location. Your environment impacts your mood. If you’re somewhere quiet, find somewhere with noise and activity to sit. If you’re inside, go outside. If you’re around negative energy, look for positive people or calming décor. We’re looking to shake up your thinking with some new sensory input.
2. Get your creative juices flowing. Creativity uses your brain in a different way than rote tasks. What do you like to create? I believe everyone’s creative, but sometimes people shut this part of themselves off thinking it’s a waste of time or “I’m not good at art”. Think of creativity in a broad sense; it’s not just painting and drawing. It’s the creative process, not the finished product that matters. So, if you enjoy painting or cake decorating, you should go for it regardless of whether you’re “good” at it!
3. Be active. Physical activity is one of the best things that you can do for your mental health. Exercise releases endorphins in the brain that make us feel happier, calmer, and less stressed.
4. Do something you’re good at. Using your strengths feels good. It’s great to try new things, challenge yourself, and take chances in life, but when you’re really struggling and thinking negatively, go ahead and do something that you excel in. If you’re a great cook, whip up your favorite recipe or if you’re a great photographer, snap some new photos.
5. Distract yourself with something that takes brain power. Distraction is an easy and valid strategy for anxiety. Some types of distraction may be more effective than others, however. You may find that plugging into the new season of “Orange is the New Black” does the trick, but some people find TV doesn’t engage their brains when they’re highly anxious. If this happens, try something that requires more concentration like Sudoku puzzles or trying to recreate some complicated craft you saw on Pinterest. 
6. Use all of your senses. One of my favorite ways to reduce anxiety is to “ground” yourself in the present. Simply use all of your senses to notice what’s right in front of you. How many windows are in the room? How many tiles are on the ceiling? What do you smell? Is the chair you’re on soft or smooth? What do you hear? Like distraction, this engages your brain and forces it to think about only what’s real right now.
7. Breathing. I couldn’t write a post about anxiety without mentioning breathing! It’s another favorite strategy because you can do it anywhere. There are many breathing techniques that you can look up online if you’re so inclined. But all you really need to remember is to slow your breathing and focus on inhaling and exhaling. Count to five as you inhale. Count to five again as you exhale. Bringing more oxygen into your body is calming.
8. Be gentle with yourself. Managing anxiety is hard. It takes practice to implement new behaviors and ways of thinking. You’re not going to be perfect at it. Some days it will be harder than others. Cut yourself some slack. Getting down on yourself because you just spent the last hour googling signs of brain tumors, isn’t going to help your anxiety. Grant yourself the same compassion that you give to others, regroup and try another strategy.

I suggest jotting down a couple of these strategies and keeping them handy in your purse or taped to your refrigerator. When you get stressed and anxious it can be hard to remember them. And everyone is different, of course. You’ll need to experiment a bit and find the strategies that work best for you. And don’t forget that practice makes everything easier. So, don’t give up if these don’t work immediately. Keep practicing!

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Sharon Martin, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist, writer, speaker, and media contributor on emotional health and relationships. Her psychotherapy practice focuses on helping perfectionists and people-pleasers embrace imperfection and grow happiness. Sharon writes a popular blog called Happily Imperfect for PsychCentral.com and is the author of the workbook Setting Boundaries Without Guilt. You can connect with her on her website, Facebook, or Twitter.

Image by kdshutterman at freedigitalphotos.net

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is an Annapolis therapist who helps people manage their stress and anxiety. She owns and operates Progression Counseling in Arnold and Annapolis, MD. For a free 15-minute consultation call me 410-340-8469.

Coming Together When We’re Coming Apart

It feels like our society has lost its sense of unity. All we do is take sides: Are you on the right or the left, Democrat or Republican, white or are you black, Christian or Muslim, male or female…? You get the point.

In order to take sides, or to figure out who isn’t on your side, you make a judgment about them. We can form opinions based on analysis or careful consideration, but when we make judgments, they are usually quick, in the moment decisions. Judgments are based upon visual clues, emotional cues, and the way we process, categorize and make sense of things. We can then fit whatever we’re judging into our mental picture of how we see world.

Judging Others

Judging others can cause us stress and anxiety.

For instance, I was in a bookstore recently. The man ahead of me in the checkout line was white, and had a long ponytail, lots of tattoos, a leather jacket and boots, and a chain wallet. I hate to admit that my immediate thoughts were, He seems tough. He’s a biker. His motorcycle is parked out front. What is a guy like him doing in a bookstore? As soon as I started this process I chastised myself, for I had no way of knowing who he was, or why he was there. After we struck up a conversation, I found out that he had a lifelong meditation practice, and was buying a Jon Kabat-Zinn book for his girlfriend. When I made the effort to see him outside my narrow vision of him, and talked to him, I found out we weren’t so different.

Stressing Out

Constantly judging others who seem different from us takes mental energy and can cause stress and anxiety. When we feel threatened by people who are different from us, our nervous system gets activated, because our bodies think we are in real danger. If we see the world as a threatening or unsafe place because it includes people whose skin is a different color than ours, who are from a different culture or who practice a different religion, then we are living with added stress.

Each time we hear messages that reinforce our fears, our stress response activates, making us feel uncomfortable, and increasing our feelings of fear and distrust. All of that stress can overwhelm us.

An article in PsychologyBenefits.org noted that when we don’t take the time to learn about each other, and we respond from fear or anxiety, instead of empathy and compassion, we are more likely to:

• Smile less
• Maintain less eye contact
• Use a less friendly verbal tone
• Keep greater physical distance
• Avoid interactions with people of other races altogether

Being Empathetic

The good news is that we can change, and all it takes is getting to know the people who might seem different from us. Studies have shown that when we approach others with empathy, curiosity and compassion, the racial and cultural anxieties lessen and positive interracial relations increase.

How To Stop Judging Others

Here are five steps to help you reframe your thoughts if you find you are quick to judge others:

1. Be mindful or pay attention to your thoughts when you see someone who looks different from you.
2. If you find you are making a judgment about the person ask yourself, “How do I know this is true? Have I met him or spoken to her?”
3. Create a different story about him that doesn’t feel threatening.
4. Be curious. If it feels right, talk to her and ask questions.
5. Be empathetic. Try seeing the world from his eyes, and work to understand her experiences.

How To Stop Judging Yourself

Empathy and compassion not only affects how we see others, but also how we see ourselves. If we can see suffering and struggle as a common human experience, instead of being hard on ourselves when times are tough, or when we make mistakes, we can learn to be compassionate towards ourselves. You can find more about self-compassion here and here.

If you're feeling overly anxious or stressed and think that counseling might help you please reach out.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is an Annapolis therapist who helps people manage their stress and anxiety. She owns and operates Progression Counseling in Annapolis. For a free 15-minute consultation call me 410-340-8469.

4 Ways Music Can Reduce Your Anxiety

This week I have the privilege to share a post from guest blogger Maya Benatar, a music therapist and psychotherapist in New York City. I've felt music's influence on me and on my moods throughout my life. Whether I'm dancing, driving with the radio cranked up, seeing live music, or using music for background entertainment, I find that it generates some very strong emotions. I love that Maya incorporates music into therapy. Check out her ideas on using music to manage anxiety, and leave a comment below!

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I have found that the kind of music that helps people with their anxiety can vary greatly. Some people can really sink into slow and peaceful music that helps them breathe and calm, while others really need to move the anxiety out energetically – to “shake it off”, so to speak (apologies to Taylor Swift!). Some people love toning, and others have no idea what it is (if that’s you, keep reading!). You may find that on certain days or in certain situations you respond differently to different types of music. This is completely typical – music is not a “one size fits all” kind of thing.

Here are some ideas to try – if music is not part of your self-care routine, there’s no time like the present to start.

1. Sound it. Toning is singing a vowel sound, or syllable, for the length of an exhalation. Some vowel sounds I like to play around with are “ah” “oo” and “ee”. Take an inhale through your nose, and as you exhale allow the sound to slide out on top of the breath. It doesn’t matter what pitch you sing, the quality of the sound, or its duration. Just imagine your anxiety flowing out of your body with the tone. Try 5-10 of these and see if you notice any physical or emotional shifts. You can experiment with toning on low or high pitches, different vowel sounds, lying down or sitting up. You may notice that your voice will sound different depending on how you’re feeling physically, the time of day, or your mood – that’s perfectly okay. Toning is more about the release of emotion and sound, and much less about sounding like a rock star.

2. Listen to it. Experiment with different kinds of music to listen to. Sometimes when you’re anxious you may need to listen to something upbeat and rhythmic – try 80s music or hard rock or disco or whatever you like. At other times, you may find your anxiety soothed by slow, calm music – I’m personally partial to the cello, but there are many genres and artists that could potentially soothe you – maybe classical or Erykah Badu or John Legend. Allow yourself to not know exactly what will work for you, and give yourself some time and space to figure it out. You may be surprised by what you find – often my clients with anxiety feel soothed by music that’s not “typically relaxing” and that’s more than okay! Notice any pre-conceived ideas about what music you “should” find relaxing. Be open to something outside of the box – one of my go-to songs for anxious moments is “On My Way Home” by Pentatonix. Not your typical relaxing Bach piece, but it works for me!

3. Move it. This ties into the listening mentioned in number 2, but movement is often helpful for anxiety. Whether that’s dancing, playing air guitar, drumming on your steering wheel, or doing yoga to music is up to you. I also suggest noticing the rhythm and energy of your body as you move through your anxiety – what would your anxiety sound like if you played it on a drum? Where do you feel it in your body? What part of your body feels easy and free, instead of anxious? Sometimes anxiety needs to be expressed as it is – in its shakiness and stuckness – rather than just soothed. This relates directly to how sometimes you may need to have people hear and validate that you’re anxious, rather than just soothe or placate you.

4. Be still. If reading or journaling or meditating doesn’t work for you, perhaps try making a ritual of sound and stillness. You could sit quietly with eyes closed and listen to one favorite song, play a small bell or singing bowl – let each tone fade away before playing the next, or simply sit quietly and listen to the sounds around you, whether you’re inside or outside. See what sounds you notice if you pause right now, just for a moment. You may notice the sound of your own breathing, people around you, birds outside – or something completely unexpected!

Music can be a powerful way to practice gentle self-care and reduce your anxiety. What kind of music helps you feel less anxious? Leave me a comment below – I’d love to hear from you!

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Maya Benattar, MA, MT-BC, LCAT is a music therapist and psychotherapist in New York City. She helps women slow down their busy lives, reduce anxiety and worry through creative expression & become confident and calm in relationships, at work, and in everyday life. Maya also offers engaging presentations for healthcare professionals, educators, and stressed out adults. Get Maya’s free guided relaxation audio track to slow down and practice gentle self-care today.

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Elizabeth Cush, MA, LGPC is an Annapolis therapist who helps people manage their anxiety and stress.