My husband recently had knee replacement surgery. The surgery is a huge life changer. Not only for a future with less knee pain, but immediately after the surgery when suddenly the little things you took for granted, like getting dressed, getting in a car, or walking, you are no longer able to do on your own.
It was life changing for me too. I became the “coach,” which is how the hospital staff frame your role post surgery. I think using the term “coach” instead of “caregiver” is their attempt to put a positive spin on a difficult situation. If I am a coach, then I am not a nag when I am pushing my husband to do his physical therapy exercises at home when all he wants to do is rest.
Feeling Trapped And Anxious With No Control
Having my life, my schedule, my day-to-day activities driven by my husband’s needs made me feel very uncomfortable. I felt resentful, frustrated, overwhelmed with stress, and anxious because I had lost control of my life. These uncomfortable feelings lead to me feel guilt and shame for being so selfish.
I don’t want to mislead you into thinking I was a terrible caregiver. I wasn’t, I just had moments where all I wanted to do was be alone with my cup of coffee and computer or to take a walk, but had to help him shower, or exercise, or get in the car, or get into bed. I hadn’t had to do so much for someone else since I had young kids.
Reflection On Anxious Feelings With Kids & Puppies
I came to realize that my discomfort felt very familiar. In moments of clarity, I recalled being an overwhelmed mom with two young children who needed me to be there for them 24/7. No one ever tells you that being a parent or caregiver can make you feel so many intense negative emotions. Nor do you hear the repercussions of having those feelings—the shame and guilt for not being the happy, carefree mom/caregiver you thought you would be.
Although resources for postpartum depression are available—including blogs and websites for overworked parents, and support groups for caregivers—I think we need to normalize those negative feelings more often. Very few doctors or nurses who will tell you that might want to scream because all you want to do is be alone for a few minutes—or that those feelings are normal.
My Aha Moment: Lack Of Control Creates Anxiety
When I was raising my kids, I was so exhausted all the time. As a result, I didn’t realize that the feeling that my life was no longer my own was creating an overabundance of anxiety. I entered motherhood believing that my life with children would be bliss. Sometimes it was, but the moments when I was tired, overworked and overwhelmed were really hard for me. Eventually, those feelings passed.
When the kids were older and able to do a lot for themselves, we got a puppy, and those same uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing feelings arose again. I felt trapped and no longer in control of my life. Once again, a being who depended on my being there to care for him. When raising my puppy, I figured out pretty quickly why I was having these feelings. The recognition that a lack of control = anxiety helped me feel less guilt about my negative feelings.
My Outlook Can Create A New Perspective
This time around, with my husband’s knee rehab, I was able to see the frustration, resentment, and anxiety for what they were: normal feelings that arise when your life takes a turn that you were not expecting.
